


Rivulets of Drunken Dreams

by zation



Series: Drowning [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU-Familyland, Alcohol as coping mechanism, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Beloning, Codependence, Confusing sex, Denial!Castiel, Determined!Dean, Dirty Talk, Douche!John, F/M, Feelings of ownership, First Time, Frottage, Greedy!John, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Indecisive!Castiel, Loss of Innocence, M/M, Mild come eating, Mild to less mild dub-con, Multi, Mutual Pining, Needy!Castiel, No Spoilers, Not Beta Read, OOC-ness, Oblivious!Mary, Pining, Porn without Plot turned Porn with Plot, Rape, Rape-denial, Repressing of feelings, Rimming, Sex Addiction, Sex as Coping Mechanism, Song-fic-ish, Spanning years, Supportive!Same, Surprisingly helpful Crowley, Talks about rape, Though not so much, Trigger warnings included in some chapters, Underage - Freeform, Varying Chapter Length, Whore-ish!Castiel, blow-jobs, bottom!Castiel, hand-jobs, living in the past, possessive!dean, slow-ish build, sorry..., submissive!castiel, they made me do it, top!dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-10
Updated: 2015-02-28
Packaged: 2018-03-11 13:16:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 24
Words: 54,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3328052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zation/pseuds/zation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Uncle Castiel is not Dean’s uncle. Not really. He’s dad’s former lover, turned best friend, who sometimes lives with them. And he’s certainly not the person to make Dean’s heart ache and not the person to make Dean’s treacherous dick twitch. No sir, he is not. </p><p>Or,</p><p>The one where almost everyone is gay-ish and/or easy and there’s lots of random, kinda unrealistic sex going on.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1984

**Author's Note:**

> So, just a couple of things:  
> 1\. I’m picturing young John (Matt Cohen) and young Mary (Amy Gumenick) in this one, but you are of course free to picture whomever you want.  
> 2\. If you haven’t read the tags, still read and then decide to flame something mentioned in the tags, shame on you. They’re there for a reason.  
> 3\. All of the titles are bits of lyrics from Maroon 5’s _Payphone_ (explicit version feat. Wiz Khalifa)
> 
> Happy read!

  


  


#### I would still be holding you

  


  


John tossed Castiel a shirt but stayed bent over in his and Mary’s closet, still digging.

"Try that one."

Cas sighed. "If I inconvenienced you I should just go."

John straightened. "What are you talking about?"

Cas shook his head before pulling his tee off and shrugging on the shirt. "I should’ve called."

"Bullshit." John turned back to the closet and started pulling out a couple of ties. It wasn’t that formal but he knew Cas liked to look his best. And Mary would appreciate it too. 

He picked a couple that he thought would fit the shirt but just for the heck of it he chose one to match his own. _What a gag_ , he thought and turned to hold the options up before Cas’ clothed chest.

"It’s just Mary’s mother’s birthday." He mumbled thoughtfully and tried to decide between either the grey or the blue one. "And you know you’re family, Mary thinks so too, you don’t have to call. How can you still not get it after all these years?"

"I know." Cas mumbled, his deep voice a small rumble in his chest and if John leaned a little closer he imagined he could almost feel the vibrations. "But still," Cas continued. "We said I would back off, I’m not very good at it."

John’s eyes snapped up to Cas’ piercing blue ones. "_You_ said Cas, I never wanted..." He said sharply but stopped himself when Cas winced. He sighed. " Now," he looked down to the ties again. "Which one?"

Cas sighed too. "Does it matter?"

John barely noticed Cas’ answer but realized with a start that he was resting his hands against the other man’s chest. _Too close_ , he thought distractedly, _I’m too close_. Cas’ scent was intoxicating. 

It had been so many years now. So many years since the last touch, since the last love-filled whisper. God, John couldn’t even remember their last time together. Had it been only them then? Where had it been?

_We made the right decision_ , John thought, closing his eyes as he felt Cas lean just a little bit into his touch. 

The moment broke when the door to his and Mary’s bedroom creaked open. They didn’t exactly fly apart but when John looked up Cas was much farther away from him than strictly necessary, even for straight men.

"Daddy?"

"Dean." John sighed and sounded much too relieved for his own liking. Even Cas was looking funnily at him. "What is it son?" he asked as his five-year-old padded into the room.

"Mommy’s asking what’s taking so long." Dean answered dutifully but he walked right past his father and straight to Cas, lifting his arms and silently begging for Cas to pick him up. He always did favor his step-uncle.

Cas smiled, his whole face all toothy grin and crinkles as he hoisted the boy into his arms. John was always glad to see Cas together with Dean, with any of his sons. He had been afraid Cas would hate them, or at least what they represented but he should’ve known. It just wasn’t in Castiel’s nature to hate and John should know. Sometimes he thought Cas was stupid for not hating John. Sometimes he thought it would’ve been easier if he had.

"Well, dad and I were just picking out a tie for me." Cas said and nosed at the boy’s neck, making Dean squeak and giggle.

"You’re wearing daddy’s clothes." He remarked, much too observant for his age, John thought proudly.

"I know honey." Cas answered and positioned Dean on his hip, refusing to acknowledge the boy’s weight. "I came horribly unprepared to celebrate granny’s day, didn’t I? Can’t show up in jeans and a tee for granny." He mumbled and straightened Dean’s own dress shirt.

Dean tried to roll his eyes like John sometimes did when Cas said nonsense. It made him look dizzy and John and Cas both laughed at him.

"Help us chose a tie little man." Johan said and held the two up for his son to see but Dean was looking at Cas’ smiling face.

"I like your tees." He stated firmly and Cas smiled even wider. 

"I know sweetie, but this is a tie-event." He said and nodded to John’s outstretched hands.

Dean considered the ties but quickly decided. "Blue." He pointed and laid his head on Cas’ shoulder as John put the other one back.

And if John took extra care to do the tie for Cas himself — if Cas craned his neck just slightly more than necessary — they could both blame it on Dean not leaving Cas’ embrace and none would be the wiser.

  
  



	2. 05-30-1989

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: Underaged, Loss of innocence, Very mild dubious consent

  


  


#### Part 1: All of my change I spent on you

  
  


Dean and Gabriel stayed even after the last bell had tolled. The school emptied fast enough but the schoolyard would be filled with children long after and the boys loved to stay and play. At least, Dean did. Sometimes he thought Gabriel stayed because he didn’t want to go home but Dean couldn’t be certain. He had only been to Gabe’s house one time and he didn’t like it. It was dirty and smelled strange. None of Gabe’s parents had been home but his friend had seemed more relieved than sad at that and it had made Dean a little uncomfortable. 

"Have you seen the new Indiana Jones?" Gabriel asked as they paused at the very top of the jungle gym.

"No." Dean answered truthfully but avoided his friend’s eye. He hadn’t actually seen any of the movies. They seemed a little scary to him and he wasn’t certain his parents would let him see them. He didn’t want to tell his friend that though so he just kept silent and watched out for his father’s black Impala. Dean loved the days that dad was the one to pick him up because he was almost always a little late and that meant more time to play with Gabe.

"Michael says Indy’s father’s in this one." Michael was Gabriel’s much older brother so Dean supposed he would know.

Dean scrunched up his nose. "Wouldn’t he be old?" he wouldn’t really know because he had only seen the movie posters but Indiana Jones seemed kind of old too, definitely older than dad at least.

Gabriel snorted. "Well, Dean-o, we can’t all have children for fathers." He drawled and Dean rolled his eyes but decided not to engage. He knew his parents had been young when they had him. He had compared them to other parents at the PTA:s but he didn’t mind. In fact, he thought that made them much livelier and he liked that. Besides, Gabriel was just jealous because his parents weren’t as great as Dean’s.

However, before Dean had thought of a way to change the subject he heard a familiar rumble. Turning, he could see the Impala and he was about to groan in displeasure from the early pick-up when he caught the driver’s features. _Uncle Cas_ , he thought and practically bounced off the jungle gym without a glance at Gabriel.

He loved his Uncle Castiel, who, of course, wasn’t his real uncle but he and Dean’s dad were so close everyone always thought they were brothers. 

Dean secretly thought Uncle Cas was cooler than dad. He was more laid-back and when he smiled he showed all his teeth and his face kind of lit up. Everyone was always happy when Uncle Cas was around, Dean especially.

Dean only realized he had jogged to the curb when he had to stop abruptly before running head-long into the car as it slid to a stop. 

"Hello Dean." Uncle Cas smiled and leaned out the open window. 

"Uncle Cas." Dean panted a little and smiled back. "When did you get back?"

Uncle Cas had a job in marketing, that was the extent of Dean’s knowledge of the other man’s life outside of Dean’s family. He had a tiny one-bedroom apartment downtown and he divided his time between sleeping there, working and staying with the Winchesters, where he slept on a pull out couch in the spare room. His work often took him out of town for long periods of time and Dean hated that. Sammy usually teased him when he would pout about Uncle Cas leaving. Sam was four years younger than Dean but he handled those moments of farewell much better than Dean and Dean was a little ashamed of that. Uncle Cas would just smile and tell him there was no shame in missing someone important. Sometimes, if Sammy wasn’t looking, he would hug Dean and kiss him on the top of his head. Though less frequently now as Dean grew older and Dean hated that but never said anything.

"This morning." Uncle Cas answered and looked Dean up and down. "Did you grow?"

Dean straightened a little, preening under the attention. "Almost an inch." He boasted and only lied a little.

Uncle Cas laughed. Dean loved the sound, deep and rich. "In only two weeks? You’re gonna outgrow both me and John."

At the mention of his father, Dean bent down and quickly scanned the car. "Where’s dad?"

"Stuck at work." Uncle Castiel shrugged. "I told him I could pick you up, figured we could hang out a bit before we pick him up and head home."

Dean’s stomach felt like it was doing somersaults and his hands got clammy, all in the span of a couple of seconds but he had never felt happier. A whole afternoon alone with Uncle Cas! But as he nodded and turned around to get his backpack from beneath the jungle gym he spotted Gabriel sitting on top of it, looking forlorn. 

Dean bit his lip. On the one hand he didn’t want to share his time with Uncle Cas. He didn’t know why but he felt overly possessive over the older man, having hardly introduced him to any of Dean’s friends. On the other hand he felt bad for Gabriel.

"Dean?"

He turned when he heard Uncle Cas. "Um…" he shifted. "Can my friend come too?" he asked lowly but not really knowing why he felt awkward asking Uncle Cas something like that. He didn’t really think Uncle Cas would get mad; he didn’t even know if the older man could get mad. 

Uncle Cas just smiled. "Of course Dean." Dean smiled too, feeling like he could ask the older man for anything and Uncle Cas would give it to him. "You know what, it’s Friday; what do you say we splurge and go get ice cream?" He leaned further out and whispered conspiratorially: "_Before dinner_."

Dean giggled before turning and calling Gabriel over to them.

  


  


#### Part 2: Where have the times gone?

  
  


" Best. Dinner. Ever." Castiel sighed happily and leaned back in his seat on the couch, patting his stomach. He felt content. 

He was with his favorite people in his favorite home, stuffed full on Mary’s excellent cooking and baking, pleasantly buzzed from the wine and alcohol they had shared after they’d sent the boys to bed. Dean had complained a little, insisting that he was old enough to stay, even as his eyes had begun drooping. Castiel had just kissed him on the head and ushered him up the stairs along with Mary and Sam.

"You would know, you ate half of it." John teased, his slurred speech a certain indicator of his intoxicated state.

Castiel laughed as Mary swatted her husband on his shoulder. "John!" she chided playfully. "I did cook it for Cas."

"I know." John laughed, eyes crinkling, and pulled his wife closer. "Never such delicious meals for me, should I be jealous?" he mumbled and swallowed her response with a sloppy kiss. She squealed, not quite as taken with the alcohol as her husband but buzzed enough to let him continue for a while.

Castiel just watched them with lidded eyes. Too tired to say anything and too tired to get up.

_Beautiful_ , he mused silently and wanted to lift a hand to touch. _Gods, has it really been ten years?_

At the moment, frozen beside his best friends, it seemed only yesterday that he shared their bed. And the last time he kissed only John? He didn’t even want to think about it. It felt like yesterday and yet like a billion years ago. Had he ever been with them? Had he ever been the only one?

He sat, slumped into the couch and watched his lover — no, his best friend, now — make out with someone else and all he could think about was the time, how fast it had flown. How it was standing still. Even as a heavy rain started smattering against the windows he felt as if time was still. But of course, it had flown quite normally. By now they were well over the ten-year mark, Dean’s birth having been almost half a year ago. 

At a thought of the boys Castiel actually smiled. At least something good had come out of all the hurt.

And, as if they had heard his thoughts, there was suddenly a loud crash coming from upstairs. In the otherwise silent house they all heard it quite clearly and seconds after there was a high pitched shriek followed by yelling. 

Mary sighed and slid off the couch. " I told you John." She muttered and started for the stairs. "They need their own rooms by now."

"They need sleep at this hour is what they need." John laughed and she poked out her tongue before heading upstairs to the ruckus.

"She’s probably right though." Castiel commented and tossed back the last of his Jack.

John eyed him for a while and Castiel busied himself with pouring another drink for them both. 

"I’m sorry." John suddenly rasped and Castiel looked back over his shoulder at his friend.

"For what?" he asked, genuinely surprised. Castiel leaned back and cocked his head to the side when John only looked away. "John?"

"It wasn’t…" John drew a shuddering breath and Castiel decided in that moment to blame whatever came out next on all the alcohol. "I didn’t mean to…" he looked Castiel in the eye and Castiel was shocked to see them teary. "This isn’t what I promised you."

"Oh…" Castiel looked down at his hands in his lap. He knew full well what John was referring to. You didn’t grow up with someone, fall in love with them and spend all your adolescence with them without acquiring a certain understanding of their mindset. Still, he didn’t think it was fair of John to bring their whispered promises up at this late stage. _Why now?_ Was what he thought but he only bit back the tears, as usual. 

" Cas?" John had shifted closer.

"I know John," he looked up, trying to smile his usual smile but probably failing. "But I can hardly blame you for something you said during sex. You’re not that bright to begin with." He winked but John’s eyes told him it didn’t work.

"Cas…" John whispered and Castiel wasn’t sure he wanted to hear what came next. "Sometimes I wish…" he was sliding ever closer and Castiel couldn’t move away for the life of him. "I wish…"

"John, don’t." Castiel moaned, his heart aching. "You can’t take it back _now_. This was the arrangement we agreed upon."

John’s lips were almost at Castiel’s, his breath puffing against Castiel’s cheek and his thumb caressing the other man’s jaw. 

" I shouldn’t have agreed."

"Please don’t say that." But Castiel was inclining his head even as he spoke, his treacherous body turning to the other man. "Ten years already."

And yet, here on the couch with John it felt like ten hours.

The kiss started out tentative, a barely there peck, but as Castiel leaned his body even closer, John tilted his head back and the kiss deepened quickly. Soon they were pawing at each other, the kissing sloppy and wet, tongues fighting without a real winner and through the Jack Daniels-induced haze Castiel could feel his body responding. John was familiar, his body, his preferences, the way he pawed at Castiel and his scent. 

Castiel inhaled deeply as John started kissing down his neck and he moaned, almost more affected by the man’s scent than his ministrations. When he slid down to lay on the couch Johan followed easily, slotting himself between Castiel’s open legs like he never left and perhaps in this stormy night they could pretend he never had. 

When Castiel closed his eyes he could almost believe they were back to their teenage years, living together in the dorm rooms at school and jerking each other off every night. 

His dick twitched in his confining jeans and John responded by growling into Castiel’s neck and grounding down hard. Castiel gasped and unconsciously opened his legs further. He was starved for this. Starved for sex overall but mostly starved for John. None of Castiel’s other lovers satisfied him as John had. Or maybe it was because he didn’t let them? He couldn’t really answer, or wouldn’t answer, and it anyway didn’t feel important in this moment. Not with John grinding his hard-on against Castiel’s, licking Castiel’s neck and skimming his hands up under Castiel’s shirt. 

Castiel was delirious and he didn’t think he could blame the alcohol anymore. He moaned wantonly when John grazed a nipple and arched his back to get closer to John’s hand, to the heat between his legs, to everything. 

"So fucking sexy." John growled. "So ready for me."

"Y-yes." Castiel gasped, feeling dangerously close already. He felt so easy he knew he should be ashamed and he would be if it had been anyone else other than John.  
But then came the turning-point and Castiel wanted to cry, for a lot of reasons.

"John?"

Mary was calling from the top of the stairs so there was no chance she had seen them, and probably hadn’t heard them either. Yet.

John was staring at Castiel, all big frightened eyes and Castiel swallowed and did what he always did; rescued the man he loved.

"John’s sleeping." He called back, voice surprisingly steady but all he wanted to do about that was cry.

"Could you wake him?" Mary didn’t seem to be moving closer, thank God. "I want to set up the other spare bed in the play den."

Castiel didn’t have to guess what had been going on upstairs. Obviously Dean had tired of sleeping in the same room as his little brother and demanded the play den be his like they’d talked about for a while. And obviously he wanted it right now.

"Of course." Castiel answered and both men relaxed visibly when they heard Mary’s steps leaving the stairs. 

"Cas, I—"

Castiel put a hand on John’s shoulder, pushing just enough to let the other man know it was time to move. "Not now John."

John sat up and Castiel didn’t know if he was relieved or disappointed that John’s hard-on had so easily deflated. He covered his own lap with his hands.

"But I—" John started again but Castiel’s stare silenced him.

"Enough John." He said sternly, feeling anger take the place where there had only been sadness and confused arousal. "Go tend to your family. I will go…" he glanced down at his lap and felt very conscious of John’s gaze. "I will go to the spare room soon."

John swallowed and looked nervous but collected enough to handle the situation.

As John left him alone on the couch Castiel didn’t know whom he hated the most. Himself, most probably.

  


  


#### Part 3: Expect me to be fine

  
  


As the first thunder rolled over the house and Dean started really regretting his decision. He had wanted the play den to be his very own room for a very long time but demanding it in the middle of the night had maybe not been so wise. 

He lay in his make-shift bed, staring wide-eyed at the window as the rain lashed at it and flash after flash lit up the room. Dad had said he would be getting the blinds up tomorrow and Dean had been okay with that — he had! — but that had been before the thunder. 

The shadows grew longer and shorter as the light came and went and he got it in his head that they were creeping closer. Just as a new loud boom sounded just outside, Dean ducked down beneath the covers and missed Sam.

He wouldn’t admit it to anyone that he was afraid of the thunder because he was ten years old and that was practically an adult but Sam was still little and it didn’t matter if he was the one to creep into Sam’s bed or the other way around, the point was that he could blame it on Sam not liking the thunder and he could get comfort all for free. 

Now, however. 

The familiar room seemed strange in the barely-there light and outside there was only blackness between the flashes. He really wished he hadn’t demanded his own room on this night.

But he had just been so angry. Uncle Cas was finally home and they were celebrating a little and then they sent him to bed with Sam. He was four years older than Sam! He hadn’t even been that tired. All he had wanted was to spend a little more time with Uncle Cas but no dice. Stupid parents.

At the thought of his uncle Dean lifted the covers off his head again. He couldn’t very well run to Sam or his parents for protection against the storm. He had made it clear that he was old enough to be on his own and he would never live down the embarrassment. Uncle Cas however… Uncle Cas would never judge him and the spare room he slept in was closer than both Sam’s and his parents’ room. 

The next boom was the loudest yet and definitely helped him make up his mind. With a bounce he was out of bed and half-way down the hall before he even noticed it himself. 

The door to the spare room was closed but he didn’t bother knocking. He did, however, open it slowly and peeked timidly through the crack.

"Uncle Cas?" he whispered and tried to make out the other man on the pull-out. There was no answer but with the lightning at his back Dean could clearly see the shape of the man beneath the covers.

He padded in and closed the door as soundlessly as he could.

"Uncle Cas?" he asked again, a little louder, when he was standing over the older man. It was hard to tell in the dark but his eyes were accustomed enough for him to see that Uncle Cas was laying on his back, one arm slung over his head, sleeping steadily.

Dean weighed his options. He could just give up and go back to his cold bed but that didn’t particularly interest him. He could, of course, shake Uncle Cas’ shoulder and wake the man. He was pretty sure Uncle Cas wouldn’t be mad or anything but as Dean looked at the man’s peacefully sleeping face he thought it rather cruel. After all, he only wanted a warm body to curl up against as the thunder rolled past, just to feel comforted. He could achieve that with Uncle Cas asleep just as much as with him awake.

Making up his mind, Dean pulled on the covers and climbed into bed beside his uncle. It was very warm and Uncle Cas shifted as if to unconsciously accommodate the extra body in his bed. Dean wondered if Uncle Cas often slept with other people in his bed. He knew that it didn’t happen when his uncle was here but he couldn’t say about what Uncle Cas did in his apartment. Somehow it made Dean angry to think about so he decided not to.

He shimmied down lower to lie against Uncle Cas’ side but the covers caught in something and when he yanked it free Uncle Cas’ body jerked. It looked funny so Dean did it again and this time Uncle Cas turned his head as if to hide in the crook of his own arm. Dean thought he heard a noise escape Uncle Cas but the thunder made it hard to heard properly.

More intrigued by this than scared of the thunder, Dean sat up and pulled off the covers completely. What he saw stopped him dead in his tracks.

The front of Uncle Cas’ boxer briefs stood almost straight up. Dean was not stupid; he knew that Uncle Cas’ penis was supposed to be underneath. What he didn’t know, however, was why the boxer briefs were standing up. It looked funny so he stretched out a hand and touched them.

This made a new noise escape Uncle Cas and this time Dean heard it. It sounded small and throaty and Dean snatched his hand away, looking at it incredulously. It had felt warm and hard and it made Dean’s fingers tingle. 

He put a hand on his own briefs and decided that, yes, his area also felt warm but not close to the temperature that was pouring off of Uncle Cas and definitely not as hard. Dean knew that he was alright but he had never seen a man like Uncle Cas was now and he got a little scared, what if something was wrong?

Deciding to be brave, he lifted shaky fingers to the hem of Uncle Cas’ boxer briefs and pulled it down. It got stuck on the hardness, which made it a little difficult but Dean just put his hand in the boxer briefs and pulled out what he now could see definitely was Uncle Cas’ penis. 

It smacked back against the older man’s flat stomach just as Dean let go of the hem, making the boxer briefs cling to Uncle Cas’ balls just under his penis. 

It all happened very fast and when Uncle Cas arched his back a little and outright moaned Dean snatched his hands back, afraid he had woken the other man. 

His eyes flicked between Uncle Cas’ face and his clearly engorged penis but the older man didn’t seem to be waking up. He did, however, shift and roll his hips up into nothing once. 

Dean had seen Uncle Cas naked on a number of occasions. In the bathroom and in the bathhouse downtown just to mention two, but he had never ever seen his uncle like this. Dean had compared himself to Uncle Cas on one occasion but Uncle Cas had just laughed and told him that he was still growing. Uncle Cas seemed much bigger now than he had then, had he grown too?

Dean leaned closer. Uncle Cas’ penis was hard and straight, hanging heavily against his stomach and though it was hard to tell in the dark Dean was pretty certain that it was darker than usual.  
He peered up at Uncle Cas’ face but when he saw no signs of him waking up he tentatively reached out and touched the penis again, this time taking his time to skim his little fingers along the whole length of it.

The penis jumped at the touch and Uncle Cas let out a sound that Dean would call a whimper if he had had the vocabulary for it. It was… encoring, so Dean continued. The thick vein on the underside seemed to be pulsing and when he reached the tip of the penis he saw that the foreskin was completely pulled back, all on its own. Dean had tried to pull his own back once and it had hurt and dad had told him not to force it but Uncle Cas was completely bared now. It made Dean even more curious so he steadied the penis with one hand while the fingers of the other busied themselves with almost pinching the head. When he thumbed the slit a little bead of something sticky slipped out and Uncle Cas arched his back again.

"Please." He whispered in a gravelly voice and Dean started, scared he had woken up. 

He straightened and pulled his hands away only to discover that Uncle Cas was still asleep. The older man groaned and Dean thought he sounded disappointed so he put one hand back on the penis, squeezing slightly. This earned him another moan and Dean was thrilled. When he took away his hands Uncle Cas was sad and when he put them back he was happy. This made Dean _very_ happy and he squeezed again.

Uncle Cas responded by rolling his hips up again and this time Dean had his hand wrapped loosely around the penis, creating at least some friction. Dean wasn’t certain why but Uncle Cas seemed to enjoy this so he let him continue, only too happy to please his uncle.

Soon the roomed was filled with the sounds of Uncle Cas breathing heavily and shifting ever so slightly on the bed. Dean had completely forgotten about the storm that had sent him into Uncle Cas’ room in the first place and when Uncle Cas gripped the sheets tightly and groaned loudly Dean put his other hand on top of his first to be able to cover as much as possible. Uncle Cas rolled his hips faster as Dean squeezed tighter and soon the older man was whimpering again.

" Please…" he whispered. "Please, I…"

His breaths came in short gasps and Dean was unconsciously matching them. There was a steady stream of something sticky flowing out of Uncle Cas’ penis and suddenly Dean thought it might be pee and so he made to pull his hands back but right at that moment Uncle Cas arched his back sharply and moaned wordlessly, much louder than before. 

Dean could only stare in wonder as Uncle Cas’ penis expanded and erupted in Dean’s hands, white pearly ropes shooting out of the tip and landing all over Uncle Cas’ stomach and Dean’s hands. It was the most beautiful thing Dean had ever seen and he never wanted it to end.

But it did. 

And as Uncle Cas’ hands unclenched from their grip on the sheets, as his back eased back down on the bed and as his penis started sagging in Dean’s grip Dean suddenly got nervous. He didn’t know what had happened and suddenly he was scared that it would make even kind Uncle Cas angry. It looked a little like he had peed on himself and Dean thought that maybe it was his fault. He had thought it had looked beautiful but he now realized that Uncle Cas’ features had looked a little pained. Maybe he had hurt him? 

Dean hated to admit it but he was too much of a coward — wanted his uncle’s approval too much — for him to stay and take responsibility for his actions so when Castiel awoke, sated but thoroughly confused, Dean was already back in his own bed, licking his sticky fingers and secretly loving it.

  
  



	3. 06-05-1989

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the attention! Wow, I didn't even realize I would bask in it so much until it happened...
> 
> Okay, a little of that plot that managed to sneak in coming up!

  
  


#### It’s me who they want

  
  


"Are you staying here tonight too?" Mary asked and Castiel sighed and carded his hands through his unruly hair.

"No, I don’t think so."

Mary frowned a little as she stirred the pot, clearly confused as he had been staying with them up until now. Castiel sat on the other side of the kitchen island and avoided her gaze by busing himself with chopping the bell peppers for the casserole. 

"Did something happen?"

Of course he couldn’t tell her. He and John making out on the couch with her upstairs and him waking up from a wet dream, profusely _wet_. Of course he couldn’t tell her _that_. He had been avoiding being alone with John ever since but of course it would become noticeable very soon with the amount of time he actually spent with the Winchesters. John had thankfully gotten the message and stayed away too, probably feeling as guilty as Castiel but after almost a week of avoiding each other Castiel thought enough was enough. He needed to get away from John and he needed to get laid, just enough to take the edge off. Hell, he was even skittish around the boys and somehow he thought Dean had noticed it because he had seemed a little distant and yet very clingy at the same time. It was unnerving.

" I have a date." He told her and wasn’t completely lying. He didn’t actually have a _date_ -date but he was a good-looking guy and he was certain he could find something if he put his mind to it. And he needed to, _tonight_.

" Really?" Mary beamed and Castiel smiled back at her. Of course she would interpret it as him having someone special in mind. 

He didn’t know if it was because she was happy in her marriage and wanted him to have the same or if she felt uncomfortable with him being so "available" around her husband. Sometimes it was hard to think about the times they had shared together but he believed she was painfully aware of the fact that he only ever had shared her bed if John had been in it too.

And now… Now she really had a reason to worry.

No! Castiel mentally shook himself. She had nothing to worry about because they had decided how it would be. The three of them had been best friends and still were, Castiel was not about to ruin that with the fact that he had been — was? — in love with John and John had chosen Mary over him. Castiel had been a part of that decision-making and he stood for it. He only wished he hadn’t gotten to know what John thought now. He had wondered briefly if John remembered exactly what he had said and if he was avoiding Castiel because he regretted his words or if he wanted to act on them. The thoughts made Castiel uncomfortable and were one of the main reasons he knew he had to get out of the house. That and John’s presence making Castiel’s throat clench as much as his dick twitched. 

"Yes." He answered her question with a wink and let her think what she wanted for reasons he didn’t need to know.

She seemed happy though and didn’t press the matter, for which he was thankful.

John arrived with the boys just as Castiel and Mary were finishing up dinner. Sammy ran upstairs, probably to put his books away but Dean joined Castiel in the den.

"Help me plate?" Castiel asked and held out the dishes for Dean.

Dean nodded and looked shyly at Castiel before accepting the plates. Their fingers slid together and Dean pulled his hands back so fast he almost dropped the plates.

"Careful." Castiel reached forward but Dean drew back.

"I got them." He mumbled and looked down at his hands.

"Did I shock you?" Castiel asked and smiled at the boy. "I’m electrifying, I know."

Dean only nodded and started setting the table and his manner confused Castiel. Dean was usually so very spirited and quick to engage with Castiel.

"Dean?" Castiel came to stand beside the boy and he leaned down a bit, surprised when Dean tensed. "Is everything alright?"

Dean visibly gulped but turned and looked Castiel straight in the eye. "Sure." He answered but Castiel cocked his head to the side and considered the boy’s impossibly green eyes. There was definitely something there but he couldn’t say what. 

"Okay." He nodded, deciding to let the boy have his space this time. "But you know you can always tell me everything, right?"

"Right." Dean looked down at his feet and seemed to be making up his mind about something so Castiel waited patiently. "Uncle Cas?" he looked up and Castiel smiled encouragingly.

"Yes Dean?"

"I—"

"Is it true?!"

They were interrupted by Sam bouncing in from the kitchen, Mary and John in tow with the food. Castiel looked to Dean but the boy had already shunned away. He frowned at the sight but when Dean only seated himself and refused to meet Castiel’s eye he turned to the younger brother instead, letting it slide for now.

"Is what true?" he asked and sat down with the rest of the family.

"Mom said you’re gonna leave again." Sam said and Castiel saw in the corner of his eye how Dean’s head jerked up at the news.

"Leave?" he chuckled a little just as Mary shook her head with a smile. "I just have to tend to my apartment Sammy." He said and handed John his plate when he offered to plate up.

"But then you’ll come back?"

"Sam." Mary chastised mildly. "Uncle Cas has a life outside our family too."

"Bet it’s boring." Sam stated with his cheeks stuffed with food.

"Sam." Mary said warningly but it was undermined but her light laugh and Castiel smiled too.

"Don’t talk with your mouth full son." John sighed and Sam swallowed audibly.

"You’re right though." Castiel admitted. "It’s terribly boring without you but I—"

"Then don’t leave!"

The four of them quieted immediately and they all turned to Dean who sat staring angrily at Castiel, his plate still empty and his hands in fists on the table.

"I have to Dean." Castiel answered carefully. "I have things I need to do, work and people I need to meet."

"No you don’t." Dean bit out and Castiel closed his mouth curiously. He cocked his head to the side and tried to discern what Dean _really_ meant to go with this. Dean met his searching eyes with a defiant stare but they were interrupted by John sighing loudly.

" Dean," John started. "Cas is not a pet, if he has to go he has to and—"

"No, he doesn’t!" Dean yelled and rose so abruptly his chair almost fell to the floor. "He doesn’t have to leave, he could live here but he doesn’t want to. He leaves because he doesn’t like it here!"

Castiel was horrified. How could Dean think something like that? He was never happy anywhere but here, even with the recent awkwardness he still felt more at home here than anywhere else.

"Dean…" he started and reached for the boy but Dean danced out of reach and raced up the stairs before anyone could stop him, slamming his bedroom door.

"Well…" Mary started but didn’t continue. They all looked at each other but when Mary made to follow her son John stopped her with a gentle hand on her arm.

"Let it be." John advised. "He’ll cool down."

Sammy was just nodding and had already started eating again so Mary sat down, still confused but obviously not quite as upset as Castiel was feeling.

Somehow his behavior this last week had come across to Dean as Castiel hating it here. He was sure that must be what had upset the boy. He had let his thoughts about the events show more clearly than he had thought and he felt horrible about letting it consume him so much that he had neglected his nephews. He looked with sad eyes at the stairs Dean had fled up but decided to take John’s advice and try to talk to Dean after dinner.

  
  



	4. 06-06-1989

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for some feels!

  
  


#### All of our bridges burnt down

  
  


Castiel was really sad to say that he hadn’t gotten through to Dean before he had had to leave. Even now, the day after, he thought about it. About talking to the closed door, too nervous to open it without the boy’s permission. 

He sighed where he sat on his couch, eating a bowl of soggy cereal in an apartment that smelled like sex even an hour after his one night stand had left. It had been the right thing to do though: leave. He had needed the break from the Winchesters to get into his own mindset. So why was he already missing them?

He looked listlessly at the pile of work folders that lay in a heap on his kitchen counter and sighed again. He loved his job but right now it didn’t seem… important. He rubbed his eyes and spooned down the last of the milk, deciding to get at least some work done before he headed back to the house and to try to talk to Dean again. 

Just as he set the bowl on his coffee table he heard keys in the front door’s lock and stilled. There was only one other person that had a spare key so he wasn’t the least surprised to see John open and close the door.

"Hiya." John mumbled and pocketed his keys.

"Hi John." Castiel answered and didn’t bother to close his robe, instead opting to lean back on the couch. "Shouldn’t you be at work?"

John shifted and then apparently decided to step further into the combined space of kitchen/living room/entrance of Castiel’s small apartment.

"It’s lunch." He answered and sat down on the other end of the couch.

"Still." Castiel mumbled and refused to acknowledge that he hadn’t known what time it was. Christ, had his lay really stayed that long? Granted, it had been a beautiful man and they had had fun both yester night and this morning but still. 

John shrugged. "Bobby won’t miss me. I just came over to see how you were doing." He wasn’t looking at Castiel and it made Castiel squint his eyes in suspicion.

"Very well thank you." He answered and had no illusion about John not being able to smell what had transpired on this very couch just a couple of hours ago.

John nodded a little. "Dean came out of his room after you left."

"Good." Why did that statement hurt?

"I think he’s sorry." John chuckled but it sounded joyless and it grated on Castiel’s mind. "I didn’t think the pre-teens would come so soon."

"Why are you really here John?"

"What do you mean?"

Castiel sighed heavily. "Don’t mess with me, I have a ton of work to do and a bad hangover, I’m not in the mood to play games with you."

"I’m not playing." John sounded angry now and Castiel thought that was good. Better angry than sad.

"Then why would you say something like that?" Castiel asked calmly, despite feeling like screaming, and trusting completely that John would understand what he was talking about. 

Castiel was torn. He didn’t want to talk about this. He wanted to talk about this. He just didn’t know. John was confusing him and even more so now that they were alone, in Castiel safe-space. Better to just get it over with, rip the Band-Aid and take the burn.

"I just…" John looked down at his hands, clearly catching on. "I just miss you."

Somehow getting the confirmation made everything worse, so much worse.

"You don’t get to say that." He grit out and John looked at him with surprised eyes. "You can’t say that to me now, after all these years."

"Cas…"

"No John." Castiel stood up and moved to stand on the other side of the kitchen counter, feeling better with some space between them. "You had me John, you had all of me but I wasn’t enough, I was… wasn’t…" he stopped, leaning against the counter and hiding his face by ducking his head, shamed by the tears that hobbled his speech. He heard John moving towards him.

"Cas, I’m sorry."

He felt a hand on his shoulder but slapped it away, angrily facing John. "No, you know what? To hell with your excuses. You decided that you didn’t need me the day you chose Mary over me. You got her pregnant and you chose her and I stepped down because I loved you and I wanted you to be happy but it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do." He slapped away John’s hand again when the other man reached for him again. "You killed a part of me John." He spat out and took ridiculous satisfaction in John’s scared face. "So don’t you dare come to me now and talk about regret. Don’t you _dare_ tell me I made that sacrifice for nothing, you have _no right_."

When he was finished he was breathing heavily and he was angrier than he had ever felt. So much for repressing his feelings with meaningless sex. 

" You’re right Cas." John said eventually. He at least had the grace to look Castiel in the eye the entire time, Castiel would give him that. "You’re right and I’m a coward. I…"

Castiel pressed his lips together in a thin line when John stopped talking.

"I think you should leave." He hissed when the silence had continued for too long.

John just nodded and walked to the door. Castiel didn’t even turn around to watch him leave.

"Do you…" John cleared his throat and Castiel closed his eyes to steady himself. "Do you want the key back?"

"Don’t be ridiculous."

Castiel supposed John nodded but he didn’t turn around to look at his friend.

"Are you coming for dinner? The boys will… we’ll miss you."

It was cheap, Castiel thought, to use the boys against him when John knew how he loved them but at least he had tried to save face and Castiel hadn’t ever been able to say no to Sam and Dean.

"Tomorrow." He answered curtly because even if nothing of this had ever happened that still would have been the truth.

"Okay."

And just like that he left and Castiel knew that was supposed to be it. They were supposed to be over their ten-year crisis now because they had _decided_. The agreement was that they would be friends but the underlying statement was that they really couldn’t live without each other. Because really, when John had agreed to dump Castiel for Mary, what had stopped Castiel from just ditching Lawrence altogether and move far away? God knows he spent enough time in LA with his work to call it his second home. But he couldn’t because they had _decided_. And because they had _needed_. And Castiel still needed and he would be damned if he let John fucking Winchester take that away from him by being a coward. 

He sat down on the couch again, his heavy head in his hands.

_This is my fault_ , he thought despairingly. _I let this happen_. A belief that would haunt him forever.

  
  



	5. 1991

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this is so much fun! I shouldn't even be doing this right now but what the hell, here's 2 years later, what have Dean thinking about all this time? Smut for y'all!
> 
> Trigger warning: Underage

  
  


#### Part 1: Baby, it’s all wrong

  
  


Castiel slammed the front door shut and shucked off his jacket.

"John?" no answer. "Mary? Guys?"

The bottom floor seemed empty but Castiel just shrugged and opened the fridge to get himself a soda. John had said to meet at five and Castiel was early but still, he had hardly thought all of them would go to the grocery store together.

He downed half the soda before heading upstairs to check if John had made the pull-out for him. He had called yesterday but there was no telling with John and the pull-out was too old and got stuck too easy for Mary to be able to straighten it out.

"Hello?" he called again as he walked up the stairs, just out of habit. The lay-out of the house’s bottom floor was very open but the second floor was just halls and rooms and sound easily got distorted. 

"Uncle Cas?"

He barely heard Dean’s answer, it was so low, but there was no mistaking it in Castiel’s mind. He frowned and walked over to Dean’s room, the one closest to the stairs. The door was slightly ajar and he pushed it open gently.

"Dean?"

Dean was sitting on his bed in a hunch-over fashion, looking pained and as if he was about to cry. Castiel reacted immediately by stepping in and pushing the door shut behind him. Putting the soda can on Dean’s desk he quickly stepped over to the boy and kneeled before him.

"What’s wrong son?" he asked gently and put a hand on the boy’s knee.

Dean jerked as if Castiel had struck him and Castiel frowned deeper.

"It’s… I…" Dean pinched his eyes shut and shook his head. "It’s too embarrassing."

"Dean." Castiel said in what he hoped was a reassuring manner because he was honestly getting a little scared. "Is it your stomach?"

"No." Dean answered in a small voice and Castiel nodded before seating himself beside the boy.

"I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s wrong." He stated simply and to his relief Dean opened his eyes and looked at Castiel. He smiled kindly. "Are you hurt?"

"No." Dean cleared his throat. "I… It’s my dick." He mumbled and looked down at his feet.

Castiel frowned at the wording but let it slip for now. 

"What’s wrong?"

"It’s strange alright." Dean all but yelled, clearly frustrated. "It’s hard and it feels strange." He added in a smaller voice and realization dawned on Castiel. 

"Oh." Was all he said at first, suddenly very aware of how close he was sitting. He swallowed. "Well, have you had sex ed in school?"

"No." Dean squinted at him. "But I’m not stupid Uncle Cas, I know it happens and it’s happened before but it’s gone away on its own." He looked down again, clearly uncomfortable and Castiel couldn’t blame him. "I… I woke up once and it was tingling and there was something wet in my boxers and I think I know what that was I just…" he looked up again. "I don’t really know what to do, not _really_."

Castiel swallowed hard. Was Dean asking him to have the sex talk? Or to show him how to masturbate? Wasn’t this something his father should do? Or, rather, wasn’t this something you just figured out on your own? Castiel was fairly certain he’d never had any such discussions with _anyone_. 

" Well…" he harrumphed. "It’s completely normal Dean." He patted the boy reassuringly before thinking better of it and snatching his hand away. "You just… I mean if it doesn’t go down on its own you just do what feels right ‘til you come and then it’s…" he shrugged. "That’s it."

Dean was looking at him with those incredibly green eyes and now, glazed over with unshed tears, they felt greener than ever and they pulled him in something fierce.

"But I…" Dean blinked but it didn’t break the spell his eyes had on Castiel. "Uncle Cas, please." He pleaded, hardly knowing what he was asking and it wasn’t fair, Castiel thought. This boy with his green eyes and stupid plump lips, who looked an awful lot like his father at this age and who was almost like a son to him couldn’t be sitting here like this, asking _this_. It wasn’t fair.

" You touch yourself Dean." He heard himself say and his voice was more gravelly than usual, even he noticed it now. "Until it feels almost too good."  
Dean looked down to his crotch and Castiel let his gaze follow for the first time, noticing the small bulge in the boy’s pants. Tentatively, Dean reached down and pressed the heel of his hand against the bulge, gasping at the sudden contact.

"That’s right." Castiel continued, despite himself. "You don’t even have to remove your clothes."

He let the unsaid hang there but Dean didn’t seem to notice. He had closed his eyes again and breathed open-mouthed little puffs as he ground down with his hand.

"U-uncle Cas." Dean all but moaned and Castiel let him grip his arm.

"See?" he whispered gruffly. "It’s not so difficult. You just do what feels good."

Dean nodded vigorously and Castiel took it as his cue to leave. He had already stayed too long, what the hell had he been thinking staying even after Dean started touching himself? He started rising from the bed feeling both angered and shamed at himself, hardly being able to decide between crying or shooting himself.

But Dean’s hand on his arm held him back and he stopped mid-rise, almost falling back onto the bed.

"Dean?" he questioned and saw to his great horror that Dean hadn’t stopped his ministrations but rather had started thrusting against his own hand.

"Stay." Dean begged breathlessly and with the tingle in his lower spine Castiel knew: he would have to kill himself.

"This is usually something you do on your own Dean." He chided in a deep voice, much too deep. Where was this coming from?!

Dean looked at him with pleading eyes and Castiel was scared to see how dilated the boy’s pupils were. He swallowed audibly and was even more unnerved when he saw Dean following the movement of his Adam’s apple.

"Please Uncle Cas." Dean moaned. "Please talk to me."

"Dean, I…" he stopped when the boy curled up against his side.

He could feel the heat that was radiating off of Dean’s body and with every shift of the boy’s hips he rubbed his leg against Castiel’s thigh. He had to put a hand on the bed behind Dean just to steady himself and Dean moaned against Castiel’s chest.

"You’re doing good Dean." He ground out, giving in to the boy’s wishes without meaning too. He gripped his thigh with his other hand when Dean moaned again and sped up. "So good, just rub against your hand Dean. Good boy. Don’t bother with the pants this time, it’s actually nice to feel the fabric sometimes, isn’t that right?"

Dean whined and Castiel realized then that he was rubbing circles on Dean’s back. Dean was arching his back, clearly craving the touch of both his own hand and Castiel’s.

"That’s right." Castiel mumbled against Dean’s sweaty hair. "Feels good enough that you’ll burst." Dean nodded and moaned again. "Do it Dean." He said hoarsely. "Let go. Come in your pants."

Dean’s whole body shuddered and he arched his back enough for his face to come up to the crook of Castiel’s neck and he groaned loudly against Castiel’s racing pulse just as Castiel closed his eyes and held his breath.

He kept rubbing Dean’s back all through the aftershocks and Castiel didn’t breathe properly again until Dean finally stopped jerking and just kind of slumped heavily against him.

Dean breathed heavily but Castiel’s breath was short and rapid and all he could think was _wrong_. It was _wrong_. He gritted his teeth and forced everything back.

When Dean seemed to be breathing normally again he carefully untangled himself and looked down at the boy. Dean was peering up at him with heavily lidded eyes and rose-tinted cheeks.

" Now," he cleared his throat. "Now you know what to do." He nodded when Dean did. "Good. You should… You should do it only when you need to, I guess. And…" he cleared his throat again. "And _alone_."

He tried to emphasize the word and was satisfied when Dean nodded. Dean was a smart kid and Castiel hoped he understood.

" We will not talk about this." He decided to clarify. "To anyone."

"Yes Uncle Cas." Dean answered and Castiel almost shuddered at the low gravel of the boy’s voice. How could it go so low? Dean was just a child. Castiel shook his head slightly. 

"Good." He stood awkwardly. "You should clean up before that dries." He gestured vaguely at Dean’s crotch without really looking. "Your parents will be home soon." He added and all but fled to the door.

"Uncle Cas?"

Dean’s voice stopped him dead in his tracks. It was nowhere near as deep as it had been just a moment ago but there was something in it that made Castiel want to either rip his ears or his pants off.

He turned half-way around. "Yes Dean?"

"Thank you."

He nodded once and then slid out the door, closing it firmly behind him.

He looked down at his straining erection with disgust, flicking a finger at it hard enough to make his eyes water and then stepping downstairs, satisfied that it had gone away almost immediately in favor of the pain he knew he deserved.

  
  


#### Part 2: Is it too late to try?

  
  


Dean flopped back on the bed, stretching his hands over his head and not minding the rapidly drying come in the least. He grinned stupidly up at the ceiling and just barely resisted the urge to laugh.  
It had _worked_! It had really worked. 

Uncle Cas was so clueless, Dean thought fondly. Of course Dean knew what to do with himself, he was freaking _twelve_ by now and ever since that night two years ago he had wondered and experimented. When he was eleven he had worked up the nerve to ask Gabriel what he knew about sex and his friend had shown him a movie he had stolen — or gotten, if Gabe was to be believed — from his big brother. The movie had involved a man and a woman and the man’s dick had done exactly what Uncle Cas’ had done when Dean had touched him.

That was the first time Dean understood what he had done that night and what it meant. It was also the first time he had experienced an erection and although it had abated pretty quickly Dean had never been able to get it out of his head. What if he touched himself like the man in the video did? What if he did it together with Uncle Cas? Would Uncle Cas be as pliant and as noisy as the lady in the video? Dean wanted him to be.

He knew Uncle Cas was much older than him and he knew he was technically family but then again, not really. There was no real blood-bond between them so Dean didn’t think that would be a problem. Besides, Uncle Cas was the most beautiful person Dean knew. Even more so than the woman in the video and that had to count for something. Gabriel had licked his lips and started sweating when the woman had opened her legs but Dean’s eyes had been fixed on the man’s penis, trying to remember what Uncle Cas’ had looked like.

And now he had finally done it! He had tried touching himself just days before and it had been… interesting. He had felt hot and bothered but he hadn’t really dared continue until the end, feeling weird, so it wasn’t a total lie what he had said to Uncle Cas. Just a slight bending of the words. Yes, just a slight bend.

Dean grinned wider. When he had asked Uncle Cas to stay he had. He really had! Dean rolled over, still not disgusted with the come in his pants but rather proud of it. Uncle Cas had called him a good boy and Dean knew what he had seen when Uncle Cas had stood to leave. The older man had been affected as well. It was more than Dean had dared to hope for and he couldn’t wait to get some more alone time with his uncle. He supposed it wouldn’t be that easy since Uncle Cas was an adult and they tended to complicate things. And he knew Uncle Cas could be stubborn but so was Dean.

_Game on_ , he thought happily and finally dragged himself to the bathroom.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clueless!Castiel is so adorable! I want him as a pet


	6. 1992

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter I know but get ready for some naked, soapy Cas.  
> Also, inappropriate Dean-ness behavior coming up!

  
  


#### Oh, you turned your back on yesterday

  
  


Castiel sighed and massage the soap across his chest, the water battering pleasantly against his upturned face and running hotly down his body. 

It had been a long day at work and he was always grateful to come over to the Winchesters’ and their well-pressured shower. He knew there was only so much more he could do here in Lawrence before he would have to take a trip to LA and he wasn’t looking forward to it. He was having too much fun with his family.

_I should find a way to move my work completely here_ , he groused but it was an old thought and he knew that he would never do anything about it. He loved his work and he loved the feeling of always being accepted back at the Winchesters. Somehow he was afraid that if he stayed here forever they would grow tired of him.

He and John hadn’t talked about what had happened three years ago again, not once, and they had spent very much time alone since then, certainly giving them the opportunity. Castiel was happy that everything had gone back to normal between them and that nothing had changed in the family dynamic but somehow he also sometimes found himself sad at how easily John had managed to let go, again.

Still, this was nothing new. His sadness, John’s abrupt endings, this had happened before and Castiel was actually proud to say that he was handling it better this time around. If he was bitter that he had had to handle it again and if he sometimes made it show by dragging home men that looked a little too much like John well, then it was no one else’s business but his own.

Besides, he had other things on his mind. Dean, for one. He was very certain that the boy hadn’t said anything about what had happened over a year ago and for that Castiel was grateful, but the boy’s attitude towards him had definitely changed. It was very subtle and he noticed it only when he and Dean were by themselves. It was small things, like how the boy would lean closer than necessary, 

brushing their fingers together. How he would look at Castiel. Sometimes, when Castiel lost focus and kind of zoned out, he would be brought back by a piercing set of green eyes peering at him, almost curiously. It was unsettling. Dean hadn’t broached the subject of his first masturbation again and Castiel hadn’t either, figuring that Dean had realized that it actually was a private affair. 

He had, however, once asked if Dean was seeing someone but Dean’s reaction had left him baffled. He had just picked up Dean from school and there had been a pretty young blonde who wasn’t Dean’s friend Jo that had waved him off.

"Getting girlfriends already?" he had teased but Dean had tensed up in the car seat beside him. "Dean?"

"She’s no one." Dean had mumbled and sunken deeper down in the seat.

"No?" Castiel had smiled. "She was very pretty though, wouldn’t you—"

"What would you know about that?" Dean had spat and Castiel had looked at him, completely dumbstruck. "Don’t you just like boys?"

Castiel harrumphed, a little surprised at the question turned statement since they had never actually discussed his sexuality. He supposed the boy was smarter than Castiel gave him credit for.

"Yes," he answered calmly. "I like men Dean."

"Well, there you go then." Dean had sneered and turned to the window, completely ignoring Castiel’s surprised expression.

They hadn’t talked about that again either. Dean had been his usual self ever since and Castiel had allowed himself to relax again. The boy was growing up after all, coming into his puberty and Castiel remembered how that had been. 

Castiel started massaging shampoo in his hair but thought he heard a knock. Lowering the water, he peeked out behind the shower curtain. There it was again.

"Cas?"

"Mary?" he answered, wiping shampoo from his forehead before it could fall any further.

"I just need some toilet paper for the downstairs."

He smiled and disappeared behind the curtain again. "It’s open." He called back and turned up the water when she entered.

"John’s just gone to pick up Sam from soccer practice, dinner in 30?" she asked as she rummaged around in the cupboard beneath the sink.

"Sure." He answered but didn’t hear anything else when the water hit his head and he started rinsing out the shampoo.

When the curtain was suddenly pulled back he jumped and got water in his eyes.

"Mary?" he asked and spit out some water before wiping his eyes.

"Guess again." Dean smirked and stepped into the shower beside Castiel, buck naked.

"D-dean?" he stuttered and shifted to get away from the boy, although it was hardly fair to call Dean a boy anymore. His puberty was in full bloom and it was clear to all and anyone that Dean would fill out his long and lanky limbs and do so quickly. "What are you doing?"

Dean shrugged and stepped under the spray, his shoulder bumping Castiel in the chest and he took another step back only to smack into the cold tiles of the wall.

"Mom said I had to wash up before dinner."

"I’m certain she didn’t mean right away."

"Well, I had to hurry didn’t I?" Dean gave him a toothy grin. "Ten minutes isn’t very long."

Castiel cocked his head and squinted. "Dinner’s in 30."

"Oh is it?" Dean nonchalantly picked up the shampoo bottle. "I must have misheard."

"You should get out."

"Come on, I’m already in here." He smiled disarmingly but all Castiel saw was the little toddler that had refused to ride his bike unless Castiel held it for him. It made his heart ache. "Besides, we used to shower together all the time before."

Castiel would hardly call it "all the time" but that wasn’t the issue here.

"It’s too cramped." He stated instead and shifted again, this time backwards and came to stand directly behind Dean.

"Are you saying I’m fat?" Dean laughed and handed him the bottle over his shoulder. "Wash my hair?"

Was this the same boy that not a year ago had been almost crying about an erection? Was this his little Dean? What was he playing at? Was he aware he was doing something inappropriate? Why was Castiel accepting the bottle?!

"Thank you." Dean mumbled and tilted his head back for easy access. He was still shorter than Castiel but Castiel didn’t think it would last that much longer.

He rolled his fingers through the boy’s hair, thinking of the times he had done this with Dean and Sam when they had been little and splashing around in the tub. He was just washing his nephew again, this was no different.

Except it totally was and it became blatantly apparent when Dean arched his back and freaking _moaned_.

" Yes." He hissed. "Feels so good Uncle Cas."

Castiel almost bit his tongue off but his stupid fingers wouldn’t stop. "What, Dean?" he ground out and he would be damned if he didn’t see Dean shudder at the sound of his voice.

"Mm… Your fingers." Dean turned to look over his shoulder and Castiel’s breath caught when he saw the dilated pupils looking back at him. "I have a headache." The boy clarified and Castiel wanted to call him on his lie but somehow the words got caught in his throat.

"Then turn back and let me finish." He said hoarsely, his voice too gravelly for his own liking.

Dean smirked at him again but obliged without another word. Unfortunately the boy took the opportunity to arch his back some more, seemingly to get away from the spray but Castiel wasn’t so sure anymore. He could see that Dean had closed his eyes and judging by the twitching of his plump lips he was enjoying himself.

Castiel, on the other hand, wanted to throw up. Not at the sight of the lithe body before him but because of his own reactions. This was _Dean_. This was John’s son! Castiel’s self-disgust was unfortunately not enough to will away his semi but he fought with all his might not to give in to the desire to lean against the sleekness before him and he won at least that battle, for what it was worth.

He had thought his reaction to Dean’s masturbation had been a one-time thing. It certainly hadn’t resurface since but now… now he was fearing for both his own soul and for the boy’s.

When Mary opened the door and asked if he had seen Dean he was relieved to notice the boy tense as much as he did. Despite their different approaches to whatever Dean was doing, obviously neither of them wanted to share it, with _anyone_. It was a comforting discovery, he thought as they quickly toweled off, avoiding each other.

  
  



	7. 1993

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Loss of innocence
> 
> I guess... Seriously though, a wee bit of smut coming up, poor Balthy... Just a tad though, to get the plot on its way. Man, this plot is really starting to take over...

  
  


#### Now I’m paralyzed

  
  


"Hurry Balthy." Castiel moaned as the other man teased his quivering hole with just the tip of his finger.

Balthazar chuckled. "Aren’t you eager Cassie?" he teased even as he complied and all but shoved his finger almost all the way in.

Castiel didn’t bother answering, couldn’t even if he had had a snarky retort at hand. Instead he just arched his back, canting his hips up for better access and groaned against the couch’s armrest. 

Balthazar made a noise at the back of his throat and sped up a little. Castiel smirked. He knew what a sight he presented, sitting on all fours on his couch, his face pressed down and his ass in the air, wriggling willingly. He was achingly hard but the position didn’t give him much leverage for him to reach down and stroke himself. _Probably for the best_ , he thought as Balthazar added another finger and started scissoring. It had been too long since he had had sex, as evident by the wanton way he had thrown himself at his friend, their clothes scattered around the living room. They hadn’t even made it to the bedroom, something he supposed he should be ashamed of. But he wasn’t, not in the least. He was over thirty and yet here he was, moaning like a two-dollar whore and loving it.

And judging by the sounds coming from his fuck buddy the man enjoyed himself as well. Castiel had always been rather vocal and he knew it wasn’t very appreciated by other men but Balthy didn’t seem to mind. Castiel supposed his voice was too gruff for men pretending to not like other men but he didn’t have to hide himself now, Balthazar clearly knew what he liked and Castiel liked that too. John had also always loved Castiel’s voice.

The thought made Castiel bow his head. _Not now_ , he thought, pained. Now was not the time to be thinking about John. That kiss had been over four years ago. Castiel tried to shift his mind and unbid thoughts of Dean arching his back at him in the shower came floating up. That had been over a year ago and it had never happened again but Castiel couldn’t let it go. For the life of him, he _couldn’t let go_.

" Enough!" he growled when Balthazar grazed his prostate, making his dick jump. Castiel had to let go and grip his dick tight around the base when the other man didn’t comply but instead pressed at it again. It didn’t stop him from leaking though and little driblets drooled down on his couch, probably staining it. He didn’t care. "Enough Balthy." He whimpered and felt the other man actually shudder. 

"You want it Cassie?" Balthazar murmured against his neck and Castiel could do nothing but moan. "You’re such a good slut for me, hmm?" he could feel Balthazar slicking himself up and with a small nod he let go of his dick to steady himself against the armrest again. 

Balthazar gripped his hips tight and pressed his upper body down lower. 

"What a sight Cas." He sighed and nudged Castiel’s opening with the blunt head of his dick. 

"B-balthy." Castiel begged and was rewarded by Balthazar pressing in. 

"I go you."

The pressure was immense, it was blinding and it was perfect. He probably wasn’t as prepared as he should’ve been, but he didn’t care. Little dots were dancing against his closed eyelids and Castiel sighed contentedly.

"Move." He demanded and dammit if Balthazar didn’t comply.

The whole couch shook with the force of the thrusts and Castiel couldn’t have contained his moans even if he had wanted to. His own dick bounced with the thrusts, slapping against his stomach and whatever little friction that created was wonderful. 

Then Balthazar angled his thrusts and grazed Castiel’s prostate again. 

"F-fuck." Castiel bit out and Balthazar chuckled again.

"You like that angel?" he nosed against Castiel’s back, gripping Castiel’s hips even tighter. "You gonna come untouched for me? I know you can."

Castiel knew as well. "Yes." He hissed; smacking his hips back against the bruising pace Balthazar had set. "Yes."

"So good." Balthazar moaned.

Suddenly another sound broke through their sweat-soaked slapping: keys in the lock. 

They froze mid-thrust. The door rattled open and Balthazar’s sharp gasp made his dick twitch in Castiel’s ass.

"Uncle Cas? I just came to—"

Dean stopped dead, just staring at them and Castiel had never wished for a swifter death.

He was still on all fours, his dick drooling and Balthazar buried deep in him, panting behind him.

"D-dean!" he stumbled out and made to push himself up, causing Balthazar to groan, probably involuntarily but still.

Dean jerked as if hit but the sound startled him into movement.

"I-I’m sorry." He squeaked and fled out the door, slamming it shut behind him.

"Dean, wait!"

He finally managed to untangle himself from Balthazar who pulled out with an indignant "Hey man!" and allowed himself to be pushed back against the couch. Castiel winced when Balthazar slid out much too forcefully and then again when he quickly bent down to yank on some pants.

He was out the door and half-way down the stairs before he realized he’d taken Balthy’s pants by mistake. 

"Dean!" he called again and caught up to the youth just before Dean could slip out the front door. He pulled him down the stairs to the basement to give them some semblance of privacy. "Let me explain." What exactly? He didn’t really know but he didn’t have to continue because Dean yanked his arm free.

"I’m sorry alright. I borrowed dad’s key and I shouldn’t have, alright?" Dean all but yelled.

Castiel’s eyes softened. "What are you doing here; it’s in the middle of the day."

"It’s the last day of school." Dean clarified. "Winter break."

Castiel nodded. "Okay."

"I just wanted to walk you home." He scuffed his shoe against the floor. "You said you’d come over tonight."

Castiel swallowed. He _had_ promised. He had been occupied with work for a very long time now, only having just returned from LA but barely having had time to spend with the Winchesters.

" I know Dean." He said softly. "And I am staying over for a while." Dean just shrugged like he was trying to act nonchalant and Castiel sighed a little.

"Let me just go up and talk to Balthazar, you can come up and wait in the kitchen if you want."

"I shouldn’t." Dean mumbled and Castiel wanted to lay a hand on his shoulder but somehow thought it inappropriate.

"I’m sorry you had to see that." He said carefully and Dean finally looked up.

"You had that man’s dick up your ass." He stated.

"Language." Castiel scolded mildly but Dean didn’t seem to care.

"Did you like it?"

Castiel stared at him. Dean was looking at him seriously, his nervousness as if blown away. What had brought upon this sudden change of character?

"Yes." He answered truthfully, despite himself.

"Huh."

Castiel cocked his head to the side and considered the youth as Dean looked away. He felt _very_ bad about Dean catching him in such a situation, even though it kind of had been the teen’s fault... But what he felt the most bad about what how his erection hadn’t died down completely. In fact... he shifted uncomfortably.

" Dean, you already know I like men."

Why were they having this conversation? Now? Here?

Dean fixated him with his searching eyes. "Is that man your friend?"

"Yes."

"Like mom and dad?"

Castiel frowned. "Not really." He answered; feeling disturbed by the question but guessing Dean didn’t know what he was implying.

"But kinda like mom and dad are with each other?" Dean hinged and Castiel wanted to both die of shame and commend the boy on his deduction-skills.

"Kind of." He mumbled but Dean’s look wasn’t one of understanding. Rather, he looked... angry?

"Why?"

"Dean." Castiel sighed. "You know I like men, you are old enough to understand that that comes with sex, why is this making you upset?"

"Well excuse me." Dean drawled and Castiel frowned again. "I guess I just didn’t have all the _logistics_ of _gay_ sex clear."

" Why are you being condescending?"

Dean looked away again and Castiel saw him shrink in on himself. He wanted to reach out again but once again refrained.

"I don’t know what that means."

Castiel’s features softened and he finally put a hand on Dean’s shoulder. The youth tensed but didn’t move away and Castiel was briefly and very painfully reminded that the last time they had touched had been when they had showered together.

"I’m sorry, sometimes I forget that you’re still a child." Castiel said softly but the apology didn’t have the desired effect.

Dean scrunched up his face in anger and wretched himself free of Castiel’s loose grip.

"I’m not a child." He spat at a confused Castiel. "I’ll be 15 in a month and then I’ll be legal enough to..." he trailed off and averted his gaze. 

Castiel squinted. "Enough for what?" he asked carefully but Dean just shook his head.

"Get back to you _friend_ Uncle Cas, I’ll see you at home."

He left without another word and Castiel was ashamed to admit that he didn’t even try to stop him.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I’m not really sure about the Kansas state laws but where I come from the age of consent between youths of _equal age_ is 15, so I’m going with that and as I’m sure you've already guessed that’s what’s Dean’s getting at here…


	8. 1994

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, time to move the story along! Smutty times coming up people!
> 
> Trigger warning: Underage, Alcohol as a coping method (kinda)  
> And seriously poor decisions...

  
  


#### Part 1: The chances I blew up

  
  


"Dean?" Castiel knocked on the teen’s door and heard a definitely non-Dean squeak on the other side of the door.

"Coming!" Dean called and seconds later the door flung open to reveal a pretty blonde girl.

She tittered at him and slid past and down the stairs.

"Well hello to you too." He chuckled and turned back to the room. Dean hadn’t moved from the desk he had been leaning on when Jo opened the door.

"Yes Uncle Cas?" he asked and crossed his arms. He didn’t look half as irritated by the inter-rupt as Castiel would have thought, judging by Jo’s pink cheeks.

"I was just going to tell you that Mary wanted to you to come cut your birthday cake but I guess you were content where you were?" he smiled and Dean looked surprised for a second before chuckling and motioning for Castiel to come closer.

Castiel’s cheeks did _not_ burn at the sound of the deep chuckle. What the hell was wrong with him? 

" She was just giving me a birthday present." He said and beckoned Castiel even closer.

"Oh, then I’m _very_ sorry I interrupted." Castiel smirked but Dean just shook his head.

" Not something like that, this." He showed Castiel two pieces of paper and Castiel whistled when he recognized them as concert tickets. He had known Dean had wanted them but they were pricy.  
"Pretty and rich, a real catch." He teased as he read the little information square on the backside. 

Dean was standing very close and looking at him strangely but he decided not to care this time around. Things had been a little awkward between them since Dean had caught him with Balthazar over a month ago but he was finally feeling like they were pushing past it. Nothing inappropriate had happened after all so there was nothing to fuss about, right? All children were like to walk in on their parents once in a life time and Castiel was neither Dean’s parent nor some kind of sex deviant that had displayed himself out in the open. Had he forgotten that the Winchesters had a tendency to walk into his apartment like they lived there — like what he did at their house? Yes. And had he been a little too eager with Balthazar? Yes. But that was beside the point.

The _real_ point was that he and Dean were finally comfortable with each other again. Or so he believed at least.

When the teen didn’t answer him he looked up and met Dean’s intense stare.

" Dean?"

"She’s not my girlfriend Cas. She’s just a friend." He stated firmly and Castiel started a little at Dean using only his name. That had never happened before.

"I’m sorry." Castiel put down the tickets, confused at Dean’s approach. "I shouldn’t have presumed."

"No, you shouldn’t." Dean leaned just a little bit closer and Gods help him, Castiel let him. "She could never be my girlfriend."

"That-that’s okay Dean, you don’t have to explain."

"Oh but I think I kind of do." He put a hand on Castiel’s arm and if Castiel wasn’t so deep in self-denial he would have called the shudder that ran through him for what it was: desire. "You know _Uncle_ Cas, this was a very good birthday for me, I got _almost_ every-thing I wanted."

" Oh?" Castiel asked, breathless and trapped. He wanted to run, he really did but those greens... "And what _didn’t_ you get?"

" This." Dean hissed and snaked his hands up Castiel’s chest, resting one on the back of Castiel’s neck and the other on his shoulder.

His lips on Castiel’s were tentative and soft and when Castiel put a hand on the youth’s chest to push him away he could feel the purr rumbling through Dean. 

Castiel stood shock still as Dean pressed his lips more firmly against his. The kiss was sloppy and inexperienced and perfect. Castiel shook with the effort of not doing anything else. He should push the boy away, he _should_. This was _Dean_ , his sweet little nephew. He had played catch with him and watched him grow up and now Dean was pushing up against him, all full of hormones and the bravado of youth. And all Castiel could do was stand there and take it. Because this was Dean and Dean smelled familiar and felt firmer than any fifteen-year-old had any right to.

But as Dean licked Castiel’s lower lip Castiel remembered the scent and found the strength to push the boy away. He could _not_ be kissing Dean, a _child_ , and like it because he associated it to John. The boy’s _father_. Because that was the only… the only…

Castiel would have to kill himself.

" Dean, don’t." Castiel rasped when Dean made to follow him. He tried to ignore the way the youth shuddered at the sound of his voice. No one had been that responsive to him, not even John. _It’s because he’s young_ , Castiel reminded himself.

"Uncle Cas." Dean whined, sounding much more like himself and less like the grown-up version he had tried to portray and that too helped steady Castiel’s resolve.

"Dean." Castiel put his hands on Dean’s shoulders to keep him at bay. It didn’t help that Dean leaned into the touch. "This is not appropriate, what are you doing?"

"I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it." Dean mumbled, his words half a moan. "The way you looked like on your couch."

Castiel blushed so hard and so forcefully he was surprised he didn’t pass out. Of course he immediately knew what Dean was talking about. He would have to be an idiot to receive a kiss like that and not know.

"That’s..." he cleared his throat, thoroughly embarrassed. "You shouldn’t be thinking about that _at all_."

" I can’t stop." Dean breathed and Castiel was horrified to see that he had managed to slide closer. Castiel’s hands had slipped down to rest on Dean’s chest and he noticed distractedly that Dean was almost as tall as him now.

"Dean, I’m your uncle." He tried meekly but the rest of his arguments stopped dead when Dean put his hands on Castiel’s hips.

"I want you." Dean stated bluntly and this, if nothing else, brought Castiel back to reality so sharply he almost got a mental whiplash.

"No." He said and resolutely stepped away from the boy. "This is not right Dean and you need to stop this behavior. This little game you’ve had going for a while now, it needs to stop."

But Dean didn’t look half as angry or smug as he had thought he would have. Instead he looked at Castiel with pleading, hurt eyes.

"Cas, please." He murmured and sounded so much like his father at that age that Castiel wanted to hurl himself through the window.

"No, Dean."

"What’s the problem?" Dean stepped closer but Castiel retreated just as many steps so he stopped. "You like men and I like you."

"No, you don’t. Dean," he sighed and carded his fingers through his hair, probably messing the do up beyond repair. "You’re a young teen, crushes are common and—"

"I hardly think calling five years a crush, Cas." Dean answered dryly and when Castiel could do nothing but stare at him he sighed too. "I dunno, maybe my whole life even?"

"Stop it Dean, I’m your uncl—"

"Though not really, right?" Dean interrupted him and Castiel shook his head, more hurt by those words than he thought he’d be.

"The age di—"

"Doesn’t matter! God Castiel." Dean stepped closer and this time Castiel was too bewil-dered to react. "Cas." He murmured as he reached out to grasp the front of Castiel’s shirt and pull him closer. "I want you. And I can see it in your eyes."

"You’re just a child." Castiel breathed against Dean’s mouth but that didn’t stop the youth from pushing their lips together again. This time, however, Castiel didn’t let it continue. How could he?

Dean was clearly not thinking straight and neither, apparently, was Castiel. He shouldn’t have let this conversation go on for as long as it had. He had been weak and he knew it. He was the only one to blame.

"Enough." He growled and yanked the boy away from him. "This nonsense stops now Dean." He looked angrily at Dean but Dean just looked sad again. "You will collect yourself and then you will come down to eat your cake, everyone is waiting for you."

He pushed himself to the door, hardly looking at the soul-crushing eyes of Dean Winchester. "And you will put this stupid game out of your head; we will never talk about this again."

He didn’t turn to look at Dean before he left but if he had maybe he would’ve hesitated and may-be his anger and confusion would have dissolved a little.

Dean stood in his room, one hand clamped on his tee right above his heart, looking crestfallen and like he would pass out any second. 

He joined them almost ten minutes later looking pale but collected. He never once looked Castiel in the eye.

  
  


#### Part 2: I gave you my love to borrow

  
  


Castiel was cleaning the dishes with only minimally shaking hands. Mary had left for her late night shift at the hospital and John had offered to drive Dean to the party his friends were throwing him now that the family’s celebrations were over.

It was kind of late already and Sam was up in his room, rummaging around so Castiel didn’t hurry with the cleaning. It left him peaceful, the silence welcomed after what had happened between him and Dean that afternoon. He still couldn’t really wrap his mind around it. Dean had kissed him and, despite what Castiel had initially thought, had probably meant it too. It seemed hard to believe.

He knew Dean was a smart kid and he knew he was kind so the thought that Dean had kissed him as some sort of joke had been an unlikely one but also the only one he could think of. It would also explain Dean’s behavior over the last couple of years.

Still...

He sighed and rinsed the last plate before putting it in the dishwasher. Maybe he had been wrong to scold the boy. True, he was almost an adult and he should know better but Castiel _was_ the adult. He should have handled it better. He decided he would apologize to Dean tomorrow. If the boy would let him... 

He hadn’t given Castiel one look since he came down from his room, not even to say good-bye as John drove him and his friends to the party. It had hurt.

He was interrupted in his gloomy thoughts by the front door opening and closing. Walking out into the hall with a cloth in his hands, he was met by John taking of his jacket.

" Already done with the dishes?" John smiled. "Sorry I missed it."

Castiel huffed and dried off his hands. "I’m sure."

John grinned and followed Castiel back into the kitchen. "Where’s Sammy?"

"Bed, I think." Castiel answered and seated himself by the counter when John reached into a cupboard and pulled out two whisky glasses. 

"Some JD, then?" he asked and poured before Castiel had a chance to say yes. He didn’t mind though, tonight he really felt like he needed it.

He downed it in one shot, gasping as it burned down his throat. 

"Hit me." He rasped and John raised an eyebrow questioningly but poured one anyway. He decided to take it slower with this one.

"Something you want to talk about?" John asked and sipped his own whisky.

Castiel cringed. He and John had always been able to talk about everything, even after everything that had happened between them John was still his best friend. But this? Castiel thought not.

"Just had a rough week." He mumbled and John seemed to accept it.

They drank in silence for a while and Castiel was soon starting to feel pleasantly buzzed. The tension dropped and soon he and John were laughing and talking like the old days. He hadn’t really thought about it but he guessed that night five years ago had had an impact on their friendship, at least the ease of it. Sure he and John had managed to get back to their old routines but the hurt had been so new.

He was glad to have the smiles back, even if it was just for the night and even if he had the Jack Daniels to thank for it.

"And then..." he slurred and John laughed, knowing where the story was going. "And then you turned around and she was like, not _you_! You looked so stupid."

They laughed harder, trying to shush each other at the same time, not wanting to wake Sam but too caught up in the booze and the memory to be able to contain themselves. 

John leaned in when he laughed and Castiel put a hand on his thigh to steady him.

" Well, can you blame me?"

"So stupid."

"You’re stupid." John’s whisky-filled breath flittered over Castiel’s face. 

"Witty." Castiel mumbled, inclining his head.

"Wasn’t trying."

"Bet you were though."

Their lips met in a crushing kiss, all teeth and tongue and Castiel groaned deeply, reveling in the shudder that racked John’s body.

John’s hands slipped down and forced Castiel’s thighs open for him to slot between and Castiel rolled his hips up, awkward in his seat but not caring because hard-on met hard-on and his mind blanked out, erasing any thoughts of _we’re in the kitchen_ and _Sam’s upstairs_ and _we don’t belong together anymore_.

John travelled down Castiel’s neck, kissing and nipping as he went and Castiel was trying to reach down between them. John’s belt gave him some trouble but he was encouraged by John’s panting.  
" C-Cas." John stammered; voice raspy not only from the whisky. "Cas, let me."

And Castiel let him. Let John all but tare Castiel’s pants open and smash his hand in there. Let John continue to lick and nip at his neck and let the memories and booze take over his rationality.

Castiel abandoned his yanking at John’s belt in favor of grabbing a hold on John’s shoulders to steady himself. He groaned deeply when John fished him out of his pants and John bit down on his neck.  
"God Castiel." He panted. "You feel so..." he trailed off in a moan but Castiel nod-ded, knowing what he meant anyways.

John’s hand gripped him tight and started an unsteady upstroke, almost as if he was uncertain of how to do it. Castiel moaned and rolled his hips up into John’s hand and it seemed to encourage him. 

He set a steady pace and Castiel leaned heavily against him, breathing in his scent. He tried to form words, tried to think at all but the feel of John’s hand gliding up and down in gentle strokes distracted him enough to make him forget to even reciprocate. 

John didn’t seem to mind though. He thumbed the slit on every upstroke, twisting his wrist and pressing his other hand against Castiel’s aching balls. When he felt John’s fingers snake down lower, trying to reach the area behind Castiel’s balls, only hindered by the restricting clothing, Castiel almost came.

He moaned, much too loudly, and canted his hips up in the seat. John bit his lower lip and pressed closer, his hand speeding up and Castiel recognized the pull in his stomach. _Too soon_ , he thought desperately. With this much alcohol in him he was surprised he had gotten this far but he supposed it had something to do with the fact that it was John, _his_ John, that was touching him, groping him. 

Castiel’s back started arching on its own as his orgasm drew closer.

_Or_ , he drunkenly supposed, _It could have something to do with Dean’s kiss._ It had been almost shy and fucking perfect, that was all he could remember at the moment, and his lips tingled at the memory.

He pulled John forcefully down and as their lips met in another crushing kiss Castiel’s alcohol-infused mind conjured images of Dean. Dean kissing him, Dean arching his naked back in the shower, Dean pressing close as he came in his pants at Castiel’s word.

It was only because he bit his tongue that Castiel managed not to moan the boy’s name as he came, shooting his come all over his and John’s stomachs.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are awesome! <3


	9. 02-11-1995

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smuuuuut!
> 
> Trigger warning: Underage, Alcohol as a coping method (kinda)

  
  


#### You turned out the lights

  
  


Castiel tossed and turned in his bed, sleep eluding him even at this hour. He sighed heavily and stared at the clock. He hated his life.

Dean had been avoiding him ever since his birthday over a year ago and Castiel guessed he couldn’t blame him. He hadn’t been very present himself since that fateful day. He and John had actually been on pretty good terms, even as they had woken up the next day and remembered _everything_. Every touch, every stroke and definitely the way Castiel had looked as he had slid to the floor and sucked John down his throat. 

They had not really talked about it and it hadn’t repeated itself — which it _shouldn’t_ — but they had been spending a lot of time together and that had actually been pretty nice. Them getting together like in the old days; it was as if this new incident had erased everything bad about the old one. 

So that was good. Dean, however...

Castiel had reacted to him and John doing… _that_ and to Dean doing what he did by fleeing to LA, staying there almost three whole months before daring to come crawling back. That was when he had discovered two things. One, John and he were better than ever and two, Dean and he were at their absolute worst. 

The teen would be moody when Castiel was around and he refused to spend even a couple of moments alone with his uncle. It wasn’t so noticeable that the rest of the family saw it but to Castiel it was painfully easy to see. 

He still felt bad about how he had handled the kissing and he had a nagging feeling that his incident with John in the kitchen should make him feel bad about Dean as well but he couldn’t remember why, whisky and time having conveniently numbed his memories. 

Since Dean had refused to talk to Castiel, even on the phone, Castiel had resorted to doing what he did best: flee, again. This last year he had spent more time in LA than Lawrence, so much so that his boss Nora had asked if he was finally gearing up to ask for that transfer. Castiel honestly thought about it but couldn’t make up his mind.

He had wronged Dean but the teen refused to let him apologize, maybe time apart would do them good? Dean would at least get a chance to cool down and maybe they could talk about what the problem really was. He was certain there must been something else rather than just puberty leading up to the youth’s behavior and he wanted to help. Until Dean decided to talk to him however, he would do nothing good here, moping around.

Still, his relationship with John was at its peak since their break-up 16 years ago and he didn’t want to miss out on that.

Castiel sighed as the alarm clock switched from 01:47 to 01:48. Was he just being selfish? Should he just move? Was he being cowardly? And if so, what was he fearing? Should he maybe force Dean into a talk? 

The kid obviously thought he was adult enough, maybe it was time he started acting it too. Christ, it had already been over a year and even though Castiel had been absent most of it there was no reason Dean couldn’t have called him.

As if answering his prayers, his phone started buzzing. 

Castiel turned, confused, and flailed a bit before reaching it on his bedside table. He answered at once at the sight of the caller ID.

" Dean?" he asked, suddenly worried.

"Hiya Cassie." Dean slurred, obviously drunk.

Castiel frowned and sat up on the edge of bed. "What’s wrong?" aside from the boy being drunk at two in the morning and this being the first time they’d properly talked in a year, that was.

"Sssccch!" Dean shushed loudly and Castiel had to tear the phone away from his ear. "I’m on the _phone_."

Castiel sighed when he realized Dean was talking to one of the loud mouths he could hear in the background.

" Dean."

"Yess, thass right." Dean all but purred. "Say my name."

Castiel’s stomach did _not_ clench. " Where are you?"

"Imma..." he was obviously trying to sound sober. "I’m at home."

If Dean’s lie hadn’t been so easy to spot the laughter that roared in the back would have been a dead give-away.

Castiel sighed again. "Does Mary and John know where you are?"

"Are you crazy?!" Dean exclaimed and Castiel could clearly see his rounded eyes. Of course not.

Castiel rose and snatched up his pants where he had dropped them before going to bed. "Where are you? I’ll come for you."

"Oh you will, will ya?" the purring was back but Castiel skillfully ignored it.

"That’s why you called, isn’t it?"

"Yeah okay, let’s say that." Dean breathed and Castiel had to stop and take a deep breath to steady his nerves.

"Where?"

"The club."

Castiel frowned. The club downtown no doubt."High and low?"

"_Sweet_ and low." Dean corrected him. " Just like it should be, right Cassie?"

Castiel caught himself against the kitchen counter. "Wha-wh—"

"Cas, I’m sorry, let me try again."

_Sorry about what?_ Castiel thought but Dean didn’t sound very sorry so maybe it didn’t matter. There was, however, definitely something else in his voice but Castiel decided to overlook it for now.

" Just stay there."

He tried calling John twice on his way over but wasn’t especially surprised when there was no answer. It was in the middle of the night after all and wherever Dean had told his parents he would be they had no reason not to trust him. And Gods be good they would still be able to keep their trust in their eldest son even after tonight.

As he was closing in on the club he came upon loads and loads of people at all ages, streaming to and fro the place and he started wondering how he would find Dean. Most likely he would have to go into the club and now that he thought about it he realized that he probably didn’t have enough money on him to get inside. 

He sighed and decided to circle around and park in the back before trying to call Dean.

The first two calls went directly to voice mail and he figured that there probably was low reception in the club. The third call he made as he was walking up to the club and a few moments went by before it cut to voice mail again. At least this time there was reception.

When he neared the club he became painfully aware that he was underdressed, and still in his night tee at that. He closed his trench coat and started trudging towards one of the many bouncers, preparing to plead his case, when he was stopped dead in his tracks by a familiar voice.

"Uncle Cas?"

He turned and saw it was Dean’s best friend Gabriel that had spotted him. He thanked the Gods and turned to wound his way towards the teen.

"Gabriel." He said in lieu of greeting but frowned when he saw the cigarette in the youth’s hand. "Smoking? Really?"

Gabriel looked down to the little stump and made a face. "Why is it that only you can make me feel bad about this?"

Castiel cocked his head to the side, not really sure how to answer that.

"Where’s Dean?"

Gabriel looked surprised. "Oh, is that why you’re here? I was kinda wondering."

Castiel squinted in confusion. "He did call."

Suddenly Gabriel burst out laughing. "He was talking to you? Oh boy, _Cassie_?" he only laughed harder when Castiel remained stone faced. " I’ve only ever heard ‘Uncle Cas’, I almost thought that was your name."

_Huh._ That would explain why the boy called him that as well. And Jo, now that Castiel thought about it. Dean must really talk about him a lot. 

" My name’s Castiel." He murmured and when Gabriel started laughing again he pulled the cigarette from the boy’s fingers and took a drag himself. _At least that made him shut up_ , Castiel thought smugly, reveling in the taste. Man, it had been forever since his last smoke.

"Where’s Dean?" he asked again and this time Gabriel jerked his head backwards.

"Come."

Dean was sitting on a dumpster by the side of the building, surrounded by a group of people roughly his age but no one that Castiel recognized, passing a bottle of Captain Morgan around. Castiel frowned and tossed the cigarette to the ground. Ignoring Gabriel’s protests he stepped on it and then went forward to catch the bottle before Dean could toss it back again. 

"Hey!" Dean huffed indignantly before he saw Castiel’s disapproving face. "Hey." He said again then, tone of voice completely changed.

"Dean, what are yo—" Castiel started but was interrupted when a black haired girl with olive skin squeaked. He looked at her, startled.

"OMG, your voice." She purred and slid, cat-like from her seat beside Dean on the dumpster, sauntering up to Castiel. "It’s so deep."

"I... What?" he asked, confused when she pressed the palms of her hands against his chest.

"So _manly_." She leaned in and he could clearly smell the Morgan on her breath. " Not like these little boys."

"Oi!" Gabriel yelled, obviously indignant and his voice made Castiel look up.

Gabriel was apparently angered by the indirect insult but no one, Castiel saw clearly, was as angry as Dean.

The boy positively fumed and he had gripped the edge of the dumpster tight enough to make his knuckles go white. He wasn’t completely sure why though; Dean’s voice was pretty deep too.  
Castiel cleared his throat, the sound a rumble in his chest and the girl all but mewled.

"You should all be getting home." He stated in what he hoped was his best authoritative voice and shoved the girl back as gently as he could. "Dean, come." He reached out a hand and yanked Dean down from the dumpster. He took a couple of steps back and was relieved when Dean followed willingly. Realizing he probably wasn’t the best role-model, he handed Gabriel the rum back.  
"You shouldn’t be out here, doing this, at this time of night." He told Gabriel, the only other familiar face. "Go home."

"Yes Uncle Cas." Gabriel mumbled and Castiel was actually surprised to find that he probably had gotten through to him.

Thinking his job was done concerning them, he took the only child he really cared about and all but hauled Dean back to his car.

"What were you thinking?" Castiel scolded mildly as they were driving away.

"I was thinking about you." Dean was very clearly still drunk.

"What?"

"That’s why I called innit? You’re my drunk-dial." He smiled lopsidedly, looking almost proud.

"That’s not what I meant." Castiel sighed but couldn’t help quirking his lips a little at Dean’s stupid grin. "I’m glad you called me, I’m glad we’re talking, I just wonder why you would go here and drink like that."

Dean shrugged and sank down in his seat a little. "I dunno, I like drinking. I get happy and I don’t remember so much."

Castiel did not like the sound of that. "Is there something you want to talk about?"

"I dunno… Yeah." Dean looked away. "No."

Castiel swallowed. He could guess where this was coming from. 

"Dean, I’m sorry."

"For what?"

"For... Everything." Castiel sighed and carded his hand through his hair. "I shouldn’t have yelled at you, I shouldn’t have run away."

Dean was staring at him. Even as Castiel pulled the car up to the house, he was just staring and Castiel sighed again, getting out of the car and preparing to carry the intoxicated youth to his room if he had to.

But just as he came over to the passenger side Dean flung the car door open and slammed it shut behind him. The sound was very high in the silence of the night.

"Sorry?" Dean hissed, clearly angered even through his buzz and there was no doubt in Castiel’s mind that Dean had understood what he had been referring to. He let the teen slam him back against the car. He deserved it. "_Sorry_?"

" Dean." His hands came up to clasp Dean’s slightly warmer ones where they rested against his shoulders. "You’re drunk. I would love nothing more than to talk to you about this but not tonight."

Dean squinted at him and Castiel got a bad feeling. "You’re right." Dean agreed and sounded much too calm. "We shouldn’t talk at all."

"That’s not what I—"

"In fact, I can think of a number of things I’d rather do."

Castiel’s eyes widened when Dean stepped closer and pressed his thigh against Castiel’s crotch. He swallowed.

"Stop it."

"And what if I don’t?" Dean leaned closer and his breath danced across Castiel’s lips. It made Castiel’s stomach flip. "Will it still be non-consensual if you enjoy it?"

Castiel winced. "Don’t say that."

"What? Non-consensual?" Dean smirked, moving his thigh ever so slightly. "Or that you enjoy it?"

Castiel put his hands on Dean’s shoulder, made to push the teen away but stopped dead when Dean took the opportunity to put his own hands on Castiel’s hips. Despite himself he felt himself hardening and he gasped, more appalled than anything else. He was the _adult_ here. He shouldn’t have let this get even this far and still, here he was, reacting so shamefully.

" Please don’t." Castiel all but whimpered but it seemed the sound of his plea only spurred Dean on.

He gripped Castiel’s hip hard with one hand while the other slipped up beneath Castiel’s tee to ghost over his stomach. His muscles fluttered and he felt his throat constrict when a new wave of arousal washed over him.

"You’re so beautiful Cas." Dean breathed against his neck and Castiel couldn’t help it; he craned his neck back and Dean obviously saw it as permission to latch his mouth against him. 

Castiel groaned when his pants got even tighter. His treacherous hands gripped the boy tighter and even though he didn’t want to — he _didn’t_! — he opened his legs oh so slightly.

Dean moaned deeply against his throat and pressed closer, making his own arousal very clear to Castiel.

" You taste good." Dean mumbled against his skin. "You smell good." His hand roamed over his stomach and chest, the other coming down and to massage his ass and Castiel all but whined, shaking now. "And your body..." Dean trailed off with a whine of his own when his erection rubbed against Castiel’s hip. "Fuck."

Castiel’s eyes were teary with restrained arousal and as he felt his control slip he gripped Dean’s hair — probably too tight — and pulled the boy’s face away from him. It made Dean moan and roll his hips harder.

"Dean." Castiel urged; his voice a low rumble. "Dean look at me."

The boy complied and Castiel shuddered at the sight of the dilated pupils, clearly visible even in the dim light from the street light further down the street. Castiel couldn’t help himself. There was barely any green left, only deep blackness and Dean’s hard-on pressed against him, his lips slick with saliva and his scent, God his scent! It was rich and deep and utterly Dean. _Dean._

Before he could stop himself he was already half-way down to meet the boy’s plump lips but it was Dean that sealed them. Impatiently arching his back he pressed his mouth to Castiel’s and this was _so_ not what Castiel had meant to do but he couldn’t... wouldn’t...

Dean grasped his hip in one hand and his ass in the other and forced their pelvises together again. Castiel grasped Dean’s face in his hands and tilted the boy’s head back to deepen the kiss, groaning at how skillfully Dean kissed him. The boy had learned since last year, he thought and got an acidic feeling in his stomach. Learned from whom?

Castiel growled and placed a hand at the small of Dean’s back to press him closer. There was no stopping him now and the teen certainly wasn’t complaining. Dean’s movements were getting erratic, signaling his release and Castiel swallowed hard, realizing his wasn’t that far behind himself.

" Why Dean?" he breathed against the teen’s mouth. 

"Why what?" Dean was positively kneading his ass by now and Castiel was torn between ripping his pants off or fleeing the scene. "I want you Cas, you’re fucking sexy."

He shook his head. That was not what he had meant. But it was hard to think with Dean like this. He could feel the boy’s pre-come leak even through all the layers of clothing and it was intoxicating. He wanted… he wanted to taste it.

"Why now?" he ground out but dimly recognized that it probably was too late to be having this conversation. Was that really what he had wanted to say?

"Always wanted you Cas." Dean was shaking, he was so close. "Not just now, always. You’re mine. No one else should fucking touch you."

Castiel reeled from the possessive tone, realizing that if Dean’s sudden determination didn’t stem from the alcohol it most definitely came from that girl’s earlier touches. He should have known.

Suddenly Dean’s hand was on his painfully hard dick and he gasped, bucking up against the friction.

"Mine." Dean growled again and Castiel heard himself answering, clear as day:

"Yes."

Dean came with a shout, rubbing furiously against Castiel’s thigh and gripping Castiel’s dick hard enough to hurt and fuck it all if that didn’t drive Castiel over the edge as well.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, so this happened. Oh, Cassie, whatever will you do now?


	10. 02-16-1995

  
  


#### Even the sun sets in paradise

  
  


He had finally done it. Well, not really, but it was good enough, he needed some time away from Dean.

Nora had been surprised that he had been the first one to jump the plane to LA but in all fairness she had been hounding him about this project for a while and he had been on again off again about moving to LA.

Sure, this was no real move. It would only last a couple of years and he promised Mary to be home for Christmas and the likes (he had lied). He hadn’t given up his apartment either, just telling Mary and John to take care of it in the meantime. Nora had told him the company would pay for his and his colleagues living arrangements for one year but Castiel wasn’t worried; he believed he would be able to afford paying for his little apartment even after that. And John had told him he and Mary would help otherwise. They obviously didn’t want him gone, if John’s words were to be trusted, and Castiel suspected that they thought that by keeping the apartment they would ensure his return.

He wondered if they would want him around as much if they knew what he and Dean had done while they slept. How he had betrayed them. He thought not.

Dean obviously hadn’t said anything to them though he and Dean hadn’t talked either. Not for lack of trying on the teen’s part. This last week since the incident Castiel had divided his time between drinking and cowardly avoiding the teen, even as he stood knocking on his door. He simply didn’t trust himself in Dean’s company. Nora’s call had been a blessing.

Now, as he stood checking his packing one last time he could only think how he hated himself. He was a coward, a pedophile and a traitor. He shouldn’t be accepting a high-paying job in LA, he should hang himself.

He sighed and stared up at the ceiling. He was too much of a coward for that too.

Suddenly he heard keys in the lock and turned around, not in the least surprised to see Dean enter and shut the door. In fact, he had been surprised the teen hadn’t swiped his parents’ key earlier.  
Dean took in the baggage and then turned his angry stare to Castiel, who cringed only slightly.

"So it’s true?" he asked, anger evident and Castiel nodded. "You’re leavening?" he stepped closer and Castiel braced himself against the kitchen counter but didn’t otherwise move. "Why?"

"You know why." Castiel whispered. "It was not right, what I did to you."

"What you did?" Dean’s features darkened. "What _we_ did, Cas?" he hissed and Castiel wondered helplessly when he had stopped being " Uncle Cas" and become this appalling version of "Cas" that Dean was calling out to.

"Don’t say that, I’m the adult here, I’m in the wrong."

"And you respond by running away?!" Dean kicked one of his suitcases and it toppled to the floor, probably hurting the teen more. "You said you were sorry for running before and now you’re doing it _again_? Fuck you!"

" Language." He whispered, more out of habit but it made Dean calm down just the same.

He stepped closer and Castiel pressed his lips together in a thin line.

"Cas." He said, softly now. "I want you, I _need_ you, you can’t leave me now." He reached out and lightly gripped Castiel’s shirt sleeve. " I know what I felt, you want me too."

And wasn’t that the real issue here? When had Dean replaced John? Could it even have happened? Dean was still a _child_. Castiel closed his eyes for the briefest moment, collecting himself and not at all inhaling Dean’s intoxicating smell, so much like his father’s and yet so different. So much… better.

" I can’t Dean." He all but whispered but he knew the teen had heard him. "I’ve watched you grow up." He opened his eyes and met Dean’s piercing green ones. "I loved your father, it wouldn’t be fair... I just can’t, Dean." His voice had gone lower and by the end it was barely a breath but he knew Dean heard. The teen’s crestfallen expression said it all. It looked like Castiel had struck him and maybe he had, Gods knew he felt physically ill himself.

He swallowed. "Please forgive me." He asked, knowing full well he didn’t deserve it, and pushed past Dean to pick up his bags and leave, leaving Dean alone in his apartment.

  
  



	11. 01-10-1978

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, background stuff! Also, the feels in this one...

  
  


#### I know it’s hard to remember

  
  


Castiel looked up briefly when his boyfriend walked into their shared dorm room. He smiled a little in way of greeting and returned to his battered copy of _The Outsiders_.

" There you are." John sighed and slumped down on Castiel’s bed.

"Where else would I be on a Tuesday at three in the afternoon?" Castiel mumbled but didn’t look up.

"Look, Cas." John rubbed the back of his neck. "I wanna talk."

"Hm?" Castiel finished the sentence he was on before marking the page and closing the book. "What?"

It wasn’t that John never wanted to talk, it was rather the fact that he was looking quite nervous that made Castiel perk up. He leaned forward, frowning but John held up a hand to stop him.

"Don’t make that face."

"But you—"

"I know." John smiled and put a hand on Castiel’s knee. "I wanna be serious but it’s nothing _serious_ Cassie."

Castiel relaxed visibly. John and he were best friends turned lovers as of last year but it was all still so new and for Castiel, who had wanted John for a very long time, like an unbelievable dream. It was hard to let go of the surprise of waking up next to John.

" What is it then?"

John looked away but he was still smiling so Castiel leaned back and waited patiently.

"What do you think of Mary?"

Castiel cocked his head to the side. "Mary from American History?"

"What?" John looked confused. "Ew, no."

"What’s wrong with her? She’s very sweet."

"_Our_ Mary, Cas."

Castiel rolled his eyes and laughed at his boyfriend and when John realized he was being toyed with he chuckled too. _Of course_ Castiel knew what Mary he was talking about. Mary who was their friend. It was him and John, Crowley and his on again off again girlfriend Abaddon and, as of late, Mary and her friend Anna. They had been a steady gang all through high school and Castiel liked all of them.

" What about her?" he asked, still smiling.

John looked away again and started fiddling with Castiel’s pant legs. "She’s cute, right?"

"I suppose."

"Remember that porno we watched this Friday?"

Of course he remembered. It wasn’t that often that they managed to get their hands on pornography. Castiel didn’t really mind, all he needed was John but John liked them and the sex was always awesome. The one John was referring to had been a threesome, two men and a woman. Castiel got a sour feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"What about it?" he tried to keep his face neutral.

"Well..." John wouldn’t look him in the eyes. "How certain are you that you only like guys?"

Icy tendrils. It was all Castiel could feel. They stretched from his stomach, up his chest and all the way to his heart, squeezing tight.

"Pretty sure." He stated, voice surprisingly steady.

"Oh." John gnawed at his lower lip. "That’s good I guess."

The icy tendrils turned to burning flames at the disappointed look on John’s handsome face. Had he wanted…? Yes, Castiel realized. He was not good enough. He wanted to scream, he wanted to hit and he wanted to cry. But oh how he loved John, still. So all he did was hug his knees and take a deep breath.

"Do you wanna try a threesome with Mary?"

John’s face lit up but he desperately tried to conceal his mirth. For Castiel’s sake, he supposed but somehow it made it worse. Castiel swallowed hard against the lump in his throat. John had said he was his. That they were each other’s and no one else’s. Still, Castiel supposed as the lump grew bigger, he could hardly blame John for anything he had said during sex. They had always been best friends and John had always known Castiel liked boys more than girls and yet it had only been last year that they had gotten around to doing anything. Perhaps, Castiel thought and managed to blink the tears away, perhaps Castiel had always been a little more invested than John.

"Only if you think it’s okay." John exclaimed and jumped off the bed and Castiel seriously doubted that it mattered what he thought at that moment.

"Of course." He croaked but John didn’t seem hear his tone. In hindsight, yet another sign.

"I’ll go talk to her right away."

"Just..." he trailed off and John turned to actually look at him. "Just break it to her easily." He tried to smile and must have succeeded because John smiled back and bounced out the door.

Castiel lay down on the bed, curling in on himself. It would be alright he thought. Perhaps he was over-reacting. It was only a threesome after all. He wasn’t being excluded, John had wanted his approval. Besides, he had always known that John was bisexual and there was nothing wrong with that. So he wanted to experiment a little, what did that matter? He had said Castiel was his and Castiel believed that. He trusted John, he would never betray Castiel. He loved him, he had said so and Castiel believed him. He had to.

  
  



	12. 05-31-1978

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst coming up!

  
  


#### Where are the plans we made for two?

  
  


The first part of the year had practically flown past. It had been a flurry of exams and homework and Mary. Lots and lots of Mary. 

Every evening when Castiel returned to his and John’s room she would be there and more often than not she was still there when he woke up. Their beds were too narrow to sleep three so they had resorted to pushing them together. When the dorm mistress had seen it they had had to change it back though and John had said that maybe it was for the better. He had been the one to sleep in the middle and the edges of the beds had created a crevice where he tended to slip down. It hurt his back, he explained. Castiel got that. What he didn’t get was why that explanation led to John sleeping in his own bed with Mary while Castiel slept on the other side of the room, alone.

He and John still spent time alone though so he supposed he couldn’t complain too much. Too bad most of that time was spent studying or eating or anything else just as friendly and definitely non-sex related. Granted, they still had sex but Mary was more often than not involved and it was starting to grate on Castiel’s libido. The last times he had even turned John down and he knew that John had gone to Mary’s room alone and he could only imagine so well what went on there. 

They had talked about it. Or rather, they had talked about why Castiel didn’t want to come with but his explanation that he simply didn’t like girls didn’t seem to get through to John. John thought that as long as he was there too there was no problem. Then there would be a guy there for Castiel to ogle, so what was the problem?

Castiel sighed and tossed his pen down on the desk, his half-finished homework forgotten. He and John had barely talked the last week and Castiel supposed it was his fault. He _had_ been avoiding his boyfriend in favor of moping about their current situation. He couldn’t blame John if he was getting fed up with Castiel’s behavior. He would have to talk to John; it wasn’t his fault that he didn’t get it. Subtle hints clearly weren’t his thing. If Castiel just explained that he wanted to get back to how they had been before he was sure that John would understand. And if he didn’t... Well, Castiel would just have to jump that hurdle when he got there.

Just as he turned around John entered, looking like he was going to be sick.

Castiel was immediately at his side. " What’s wrong?"

John sat on his bed, shaking and Castiel sat down by his side, hugging him and rubbing his arms to get the shaking to stop. When John turned frightened eyes to him Castiel’s heart almost stopped.

"Cas." John pressed out. "Cas you know I..."

"John." Castiel said firmly when John quieted. "Talk to me."

"You know I love you right?" John forced out, so fast Castiel almost didn’t catch it.

"Of course, I love you too."

John wretched free of Castiel’s embrace and stood, pacing the room. "Don’t say that! God." He made a turn and stopped to look at a surprised Castiel. "Man, I fucked up Cas. I-I... Fuck!" he started pacing again and Castiel’s stomach turned. He felt ill.

"Sit down John, you’re making me nervous." He said as calmly as he could but John just kept pacing. "Sit _down_!"

John stared at him with wild eyes and Castiel was a little surprised himself. He had not just sounded like his father, had he? John slumped down on Castiel’s bed.

" Sorry." He all but whispered and Castiel nodded.

"It’s fine. Now tell me."

John nodded. "I... Mary and I, we..." he cleared his throat but Castiel nodded.

"I already know that, I’m not a fool John." He looked down at his hands when John stared at him. "I’m not happy about it; I actually wanted to talk to you about it. Maybe... maybe you could- _we_ could stop with Mary. I like her but I love you and I don’t really like to share—"

" She’s pregnant." John blurted out and effectively ended Castiel’s tirade.

"Wha... What?"

"I just... Fuck." John looked down and rubbed his hands through his hair. "I got her pregnant Cas, I don’t know what to do."

"Are you..." Castiel felt all the color drain from his face. "Are you asking me what you should do with the baby?" he asked rising slowly as John stared at him with big eyes. "Are you seriously asking _me_ , your _boyfriend_ , what you should do with the baby of a woman you knocked up, _behind my back_?!" he was screaming at the end but he didn’t care if the whole dorm knew. He wanted to hurt John, he wanted to smash the room up. He wanted to cry and hide in a hole.

" Cas, no—"

"No what John? No, I’m not your boyfriend anymore? No, I was never? No, it’s not the baby this concerns?"

John rose too and made to touch him but Castiel jerked back. "Cas please, I need you."

"For _what_?!"

" I..." John looked down when Castiel once again stepped out of his reach. "When Mary told me I just realized that it was all too real. What I was doing with her and what _it_ was doing to us, you and me Cas."

Castiel squinted in anger. " You realized that _now_?"

" What do you want me to say?" John exclaimed and looked at him, sad and pleading. "I’m a fool. I fucked up. I fuck you up and I fucked Mary up. She’s upset too, she knows it was you and me from the beginning, she doesn’t want to come in-between."

"I’m sure she doesn’t."

"Don’t..." John sighed but it was a shuddering breath. "Don’t talk about her like that, this isn’t he fault."

"I _know_."

John looked at him, his eyes round with fear and loss. " What do I do Cas? I don’t want to lose you."

_You already have_ , Castiel thought but it wasn’t fair. He couldn’t bear to lose John either, even after this.

"Is that really your only concern?" He said dryly but when John just looked at him he had to bite his tongue to keep from hitting the other man. John was not strong enough; Castiel would have to be strong for both of them. "You should keep the baby." Castiel said bitterly. "And not like _she_ should keep it, you should be with her John. Only her."

" Cas, no."

"Yes John." Castiel cleared his throat, angry at the lump there. Angry overall. "You should deal with the consequences of your actions."

He tried to bat John’s hand away again but didn’t have the strength left. The hug that John pulled him in was crushing and Castiel took a moment to revel in John’s scent.

"I can’t lose you Cas." John whispered.

"I’m sorry John." Castiel refrained from hugging back. "You should’ve thought about that before... Before..."

"I know."

Castiel finally gave in and let the tears wrack his body. He was proud to say that he didn’t utter a sound, even if it still was painfully obvious that he was crying, especially when he started gasping for air. John just held him the entire time.

When he had finally calmed down he untangled himself and stepped back and saw that John had cried too. It was too much and he turned away.

"You must love the child John." _For everything it represents, we must love it harder._

" Cas, please don’t leave me."

He looked at John, his John, his beautiful, handsome John and Castiel felt his heart break. He could never say no to John.

"What would you have me do?" he whispered and John took his hand, the touch already foreign.

"Just stay. Please. I will do whatever you want; we will make it work with Mary and the baby and everything. I will love them but I can’t... you can’t make me not love you. Please stay."

Castiel closed his eyes. It was too much, John was asking too much. But the prospect of losing John completely was crushing Castiel. To live completely without John would be no living at all, he knew that.

_So selfish_ , he thought, not knowing if he meant himself or John.

"I will." He answered, eyes still closed. "I will stay. We're still best friends, right?"

Castiel didn’t have to open his eyes to know that John was crying again. His voice said it all.

"Forever."

"Forever." Castiel agreed.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gods, lots of selfishness going on here...


	13. 01-17-1997

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha, I guess the 1978-part was a bit of a shocker... I hope you guys are not deterred by the actually very huge gap in their ages!  
> Anyways, time to pick up the pace again now that we got the background out of the way.

  
  


#### Part 1: Trying to call home

  
  


Castiel sipped coffee as he walked around in his apartment, checking to see how the place had fared without him. Better, he decided distractedly as he noticed the decidedly alive flowers that now adorned his windows. _Mary has been a busy little bee_ , he thought fondly and nipped a fat leafed monstrosity between the tips of his fingers. It had beautiful flowers but no smell. Still, his apartment smelled much better than he had thought it would and he had realized that it had been put to use the moment he had stepped through the door. When he had asked John, his friend had admitted to him and Mary borrowing it. Sam had apparently been allowed to use it for a sleep-over once in a while as well and Castiel didn’t know why but the thought that Mary and John thought their youngest would be safe enough in his apartment made Castiel’s chest warm with pride.

Castiel didn’t ask if Dean had been there too but he had found evidence of the teen as well. The fact that John didn’t mention him made Castile think that maybe Dean had been there without his parents’ knowledge. It felt strange and oddly thrilling and Castiel was angry with himself because of that feeling. The whole point of him spending time away was to get rid of the feelings and he had supposed he had managed to do just that. But he also hadn’t talked to Dean in nearly two years and it was making him uneasy and sad, quite frankly. 

He and John had talked a lot. Mary had called and even Sam had taken time from his busy schedule to tell his Uncle Cas all about his soccer team, his — not — girlfriend Ruby and his latest test scores, high as usual. Castiel had been so proud of the boy. And at the same time shamed that all he wanted to do was ask how Dean was doing. What was going on with Dean? Why hadn’t Dean called? Mary had said once that Dean missed him just as much as the rest of the Winchesters but he hadn’t dared to ask more. 

He had missed them all terribly and even though they — at least the adults — completely understood that he had to prioritize his work none of them understood why that had to have meant that he missed out on birthdays and Christmases. He had no good excuses. Not for them. 

He had wanted to stay away long enough for Dean and him to cool down so that they could have a calm discussion about what had happened. He had even worked out a whole speech and then chickened out in the last moment and prolonged his visit almost half a year before Nora had told him that she needed him back in Lawrence if he wasn’t planning on staying in LA, in which case she would have to find a replacement for him. It had been the kick in the ass he had needed and he had uprooted his little life in LA and been back on a plane to Lawrence before the week was up.

John had been thrilled when he had called and if Castiel had had any reservations about telling the Winchesters he completely forgot about them when he heard John’s fond tone. And now, to come home and find his place so cleaned and welcoming, he certainly didn’t regret telling them. Mary had been so happy she was fixing him dinner tonight. Had it been anyone else Castiel would have said no. He was barely through the door and he would honestly love to just sit down on his couch but he could never say no to the Winchesters. It was his biggest flaw.

He leafed through the mail he had gotten the last week. He had never bothered to change his address to LA, opting instead to have John and Mary send it to him, yet another sign that he was returning he guessed, and he had told them not to do it this week since he would be coming back anyway. 

There was not much there though. A bill, some flyers and a post card from Balthazar, living it up on the east coast. Balthazar had moved not long after Castiel had left but they still kept in touch and Castiel supposed that was good. A part of him would have liked Balthazar around, his cock alone could work wonders on Castiel’s mood, but on the other hand he realized it was good Balthazar had moved away. His presence was a more effective coping mechanism than drugs but just as addictive and potentially dangerous. 

Downing the last of the coffee, Castiel pinned Balthazar’s card to the fridge and stepped back, admiring his work with a smile just as his phone rang.

"Hi Cas." John said before Castiel had even swallowed the last of the coffee.

"John." He coughed. "Excited about the dinner in my honor?"

"Smug much?"

Castiel laughed. "What do you need John?"

John was strangely silent before answering. "Why do you assume I always need something?"

_Habit_ , Castiel thought but decided against saying. He was in a good mood despite everything, looking forward to the dinner with his family and actually feeling good about being back.  
"So you only called me to tell me I’m the most gorgeous person in the whole world?" he asked, keeping his tone smug. "How thoughtful of you."

John actually laughed and Castiel was happy his charade had worked because he really couldn’t afford anything else at the moment.

"You’d think so but no dice." John said, mirth present in his tone. "I actually _do_ need something."

Castiel sighed, so the player had been the playee all along? " Figures." He mused, feeling oddly empty about how something he often thought about was just a joke to John. "What is it?"  
"Can you go pick Dean up from school?"

Such an innocent request. He had done it a million times but this was the first time his throat constricted at the question. His first talk with Dean since he left him standing in this very apartment was being forced upon him and it made him choke. They would talk much sooner than he had anticipated, and probably _alone_. All his long speeches had suddenly flown out the window and he barely heard John talking.

" Cas?"

"Sorry, yeah..." he took a deep breath. "Sure." He confirmed.

"I know he has been upset with you for leaving Cas. I can’t imagine why but I want it to stop, he’s soon an adult and I’m getting tired of him moping around." John said a little sternly and Castiel squeezed his eyes shut. "He really has missed his uncle though," John added, softer. "I know it hasn’t seemed like it to you but you know how it is at that age."

Dean was seventeen, soon to turn eighteen. Castiel remembered all too well what that age had been like.

"Yes of course, I understand." He pressed out.

"I said I would pick him up so he didn’t have to take the bus today but I just thought I’d give you a chance to talk before dinner. And Sam’ll be home already so don’t worry about him." John continued and Castiel pressed the phone to his ear so hard it hurt. Was John aware of what he was setting up?

"No problem."

"Also, I’m kinda stuck at work so there’s that too, don’t tell Mary."

He could hear John’s amusement and was very glad he was on the phone so the other man couldn’t see his panicked face.

"Sure."

  
  


#### Part 2: Still stuck in that time

  
  


So the time had finally come. His wayward uncle was finally returning home. Dean didn’t know if he was ecstatic or angry so he had settled somewhere in-between and it was driving both him and his friends mad. 

He and Cas hadn’t talked even once since Cas had left. Not once. Dean had wanted to, _so_ much, but he had been weak. Castiel was everything to him and when the man had gone to such lengths to avoid Dean — even as far as to move away — it had been painfully clear to Dean that he was still just a child to Cas. An inconvenience. What was worse was that he had the nagging feeling that whatever they had shared — however small — had just been some long-forgotten memory of John playing with Cas’ mind. 

It hadn’t seemed like it at the time but with the distance and the time between them Dean had started to wonder and it ate him up. He was still young after all and he thought maybe he had misinterpreted the situation. Just because Cas had come in his pants at Dean’s touch didn’t actually mean he liked Dean, a fact Dean had been unpleasantly introduced to when Gabriel had told him of his escapades with a brunette from math class. At first it had made him angry and then, later, sad and resigned.

So, he had thought, better to just get over his crush. Because that was what it had to be, right? Cas had even said so himself. Never mind that he frequently woke up painfully hard from wet dreams about his uncle and never mind that he usually beat off to the memory of Castiel’s hands in his hair when he showered. Never mind his heart clenching at even the merest mention of Cas, like it had done his whole life. It was all _just a crush_.

Dean had even tried liking other guys and this one girl but it had been no use. Oh they had liked him alright but just at their touch he had cringed away. Gabriel was seriously starting to wonder but Dean refused to say anything. 

Still, he had felt like he was making progress and maybe even getting over Cas. That was until Cas’ drunk dial. 

He very seriously doubted his uncle remembered making the call, mostly so because it had consisted mainly of Cas’ heavy breathing and Dean groggily wiping sleep from his eyes. But then he had said Cas’ name and Cas had freaking _moaned_ Dean’s name in response. The sound had been so desperate and so not what Dean had needed when he was trying to get over the man. The call had ended seconds later when Cas either hung up or dropped his phone. 

Dean had spent that night furiously tugging his dick and wishing Cas was there. Just when he thought he was doing good — when he thought he was beginning to understand where Cas’ arguments were coming from — the man pulled him back. Just like that. So easy.

And now he was home. 

When John had told them that Uncle Cas was coming home everyone had been happy, Dean too, in a way, but he was mostly nervous. And nauseated. For the whole week he had been as if in a daze. What would he say, what would he do? He wanted to talk to Cas about what he had done, he realized now that he had been unfair to the man. Dean _had_ been a child after all but no more. In just one week Dean would be eighteen and Cas couldn’t use that as an argument anymore. Problem was; Dean wasn’t certain he dared bring this up again. His plan had been to get over Cas but that clearly hadn’t worked. Still, there was that nagging feeling that he didn’t really know what Cas wanted. Apart from space, that was. 

" Seriously?" Gabe smacked him on the shoulder and Dean was torn away from his musings. "Are you even listening?"

"No." Dean answered truthfully and Jo giggled at him.

"What’re you thinking about?" Jo asked and Dean tried not to blush. They were, after all, still in school, hanging out in the yard.

"Nothing." He mumbled and Gabriel snorted and pulled up his cigarette pack to pull two out. Putting one behind his ear he offered the pack to the other two but they both shook their heads.  
"Right, Dean-o." He drawled and lit the other cigarette to take a drag. 

"Latest conquest?" Jo offered and Dean couldn’t save that blush no matter how hard he tried. To think about Cas as a conquest, to see him laid out, sweaty and needy and reaching for... It did things to Dean, things not appropriate in a school yard.

"No." He pushed out and wondered where this reputation for sexual deviances had come from. If anyone, Gabe was the promiscuous one of the three of them. Maybe it was the sultry looks women tended to give him. He knew Gabriel was jealous of those but he could have them for all Dean cared. There was only one pair of eyes he wanted staring at him.

Gabe laughed and took another drag. "It is!" he exclaimed.

"Shut up." Dean spat and his friends looked surprised at him.

"Sorry." Gabriel said after a while but not sounding sorry at all. Dean would never live this down. "I didn’t realize there hadn’t been any conquest yet."

"Would you stop using that word?"

"Oh." Jo’s eyes were round. "_That’s_ why you’ve been so grumpy lately."

Dean sighed. " Look, would you just drop it ple—" he stopped when he felt his phone ringing. The caller ID read "dad" so he turned around before answering. "What?"

"Well, hello to you too, son." John chuckled but Dean pressed his lips together. It was hard to forget that this was his biggest competition for Cas’ affection, even if John didn’t know that — heck, Dean didn’t even know if Cas knew, or if he knew that Dean knew. It was frigging irritating. "I just called to tell you there’s been some slight change of plans."

"What?" he asked again, not quite as harshly. Cas hadn’t high-tailed out of Lawrence again, had he?

"I’m stuck at work so Uncle Cas’ll be coming to pick you up. He still has his Lincoln, so don’t watch out for the Impala."

Dean had stopped listening after the first sentence. Cas was picking him up? Did he know it would only be Dean? This couldn’t be chance. Cas coming to pick him up on his very first day back. Had John set this up? No, that seemed highly unlikely. But had Cas? Really?

"O-okay." He stuttered, feeling his face flush bright red. Behind him, Jo and Gabriel were perking up, obviously noting his attitude change. 

"Okay?" John asked, sounding relieved for some reason. "Good. Look son, I know you’re angry with Uncle Cas for leaving but you should talk to him. You’re almost an adult yourself and you need to know that it comes with responsibilities—"

"I said okay!" Dean snapped and hung up before John could continue.

"What was that about?" Jo asked, looking surprised. Dean avoided her gaze but the one Gabe was giving him wasn’t in the least better.

"Nothing, just my ride." He mumbled and pocketed his phone.

"Oh my God." Gabriel said and pointed at him with his cigarette butt. "It was your _conquest_."

Dean looked at him, appalled. " N-no." He stammered, not even convincing himself. "No it wasn’t, it was just dad. He just told me—"

"Then why are you blushing?" Jo asked and pinched his cheeks.

"I’m not!"

"Dean and phone-girl sitting in a tree." Gabe sang and danced out of the way when Dean swiped at him. "K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" He continued, now joined by Jo who tittered when Dean turned his death glare on her.

Suddenly there was a honk and the three of them turned around. Dean immediately recognized the Lincoln as it slid to a stop beside the curb, not twenty feet away from them. Cas was sitting in the driver’s seat and when he saw Dean staring he waved a little. Dean swallowed hard.

"Oh, it’s just your uncle." Jo said, sounding almost disappointed. "I thought you said he moved."

"He’s back." Dean said, not noticing the roughness of his own voice. 

Gabriel looked between him and Cas and suddenly made a face. "Oh..." he said but Dean ignored him.

He picked up his back-pack and without another word to his friends made his way over to Cas, who was still waiting in his car.

  
  


#### Part 3: I know I’ve said it before

  
  


Dean glanced nervously at Cas as they were driving quietly through town. He wanted to talk, he didn’t want to talk, it was making his throat constrict. Cas was _so_ close. He had his stupid shirt sleeves rolled up to reveal his stupid arms and they looked so sinewy and strong. Dean bit the inside of his cheek and looked away. Castiel’s scent was driving him mad, and he was realizing that suffocating his feelings might not be the way to go. Dean was a damn good repressor of feelings but this… this was hard.

There was that and then there was the thought that maybe he didn’t _want_ to suppress them, however guilty that made him feel.

He cleared his throat and in the corner of his eye he saw Cas jump a little. 

" So..." he noticed Cas shift. "Why are you so early?"

"Pardon?"

_God, his voice._ Dean had all but forgotten (repressed?).

" I had barely hung up on John, I didn’t think dinner was until seven?" he clarified and Cas thumped his fingers against the wheel as they waited for the traffic lights to switch. The movement was mesmerizing. God, Dean was turning into such a girl…

"I just thought it’d give us time to talk."

Dean nodded. "Sure."

The silence was deafening. Palpable. Dean started sweating. 

"Look." Cas sighed after some time. "I shouldn’t have run away, again."

"I thought you moved to LA for your job?"

Cas looked at him for the first time since Dean had sat down, a kind of side-ways glace that made the hairs on Dean’s neck stand on edge.

"We both know why I moved."

Dean coughed a little. "Yeah." He supplied meekly. "Cas, thing is, I kinda get it now." Cas raised a questioning eyebrow but kept his gaze on the road. "Don’t get me wrong," Dean continued as they drove up the street Cas’ apartment was on. "I don’t regret what I feel and I don’t take it back, I just... I shouldn’t have forced it on you. You were right, I was a child and I was stupid and too eager and—"

Cas turned to him as the car came to a stop in the garage beneath the building. "‘Feel’?" he repeated and looked... confused? "‘Was’?"

Dean frowned. "What?"

Cas sighed again and turned off the ignition, turning completely to Dean. "Dean, the whole point of me running away was for us to get a chance to cool down."

"I know." Dean nodded but clung to the word "us" for dear life. "And it kinda had but you..." he trailed off, debating whether to tell Cas about that drunken phone call or not. "You just pulled me back."

Cas looked pained. "I’m sorry." He nearly whispered. "I shouldn’t have come back then."

"Cas, no—"

"I just missed you." He looked up, his beautiful blues looking wild with emotions. "You all, I mean, I—"

Dean put a hand on Cas’ shoulder, squeezing reassuringly. "I know Cas." He smiled, trying to sound mature and calm. Above all he tried to sound steady because it had almost sounded like Cas had meant... No, probably not. Better to not get worked up.

But Cas leaned against his touch and Dean’s breath caught in his throat, was he even aware he was doing it?

"I want us to be able to go back to how we were Dean." Cas was saying but his voice was low and gravelly and it went straight to Dean’s groin. "Won’t you come up for a little while? We can talk about the past two years. I’ve missed talking to you."

Dean swallowed hard and wondered if Cas knew he was nuzzling Dean’s hand. "I don’t think that’s such a good idea Cas." He rasped and bit his tongue when Cas shuddered. Did he even _know_?

" Dean, please. I don’t want you to be angry with me anymore."

"I’m not angry Cas." Dean mumbled, unable to keep from leaning forward anymore. "I was never angry. Sad and confused, yes but..." Cas smelled clean and musky. "I’ve always loved you Cas, even before I knew what that meant."

Cas winced and made to move back but Dean was too close to his goal to back down now, his reservations about this blow to bits. His other hand gripped the front of Cas’ shirt and pulled him close. Their lips met in the briefest of kisses and Dean couldn’t help himself, wouldn’t stop now. He moaned and scooted even closer, his leg bumping Cas’. _Fuck repressing this shit_ , he thought desperately when Cas made a breathless noise and snaked his arm around Dean’s waist.

"Don’t say you love me Dean." He moaned against Dean’s mouth. "Not me. I don’t deserve it."

"Stop saying that." Dean’s hands roamed Cas’ body and he was trying to pull the other man even closer but the interior of the car was getting in the way. His erection was straining against his jeans but he ignored it for the moment. This was all about Cas. His Cas.

But when he put his palm against Cas’ prominent bulge the other man stopped him. Cas’ hand around his wrist was tight but even that felt good somehow. Dean moaned and buried his head in Cas’ neck.

"Dean, don’t."

"But why?" Dean opted to lick Cas’ neck but Cas jerked back with a painful expression.

"You still don’t know what you’re asking." Cas pulled Dean’s hands away from him and Dean got a sour feeling in his stomach. 

"What _I’m_ asking, Cas?" he said and inclined his head towards the man. Cas didn’t move back. 

" You don’t know what this means." Cas’ breath ghosted over Dean’s face. "You’re still young—"

Dean yanked himself free of Cas’ grip, anger boiling up in his throat. Suddenly tired and exhausted with Cas’ contradicting body language and words. "_Don’t know what this means_?" he spat out. So much for being mature. " Don’t you think I’m old enough to know about sex Cas?" Why? Why was Cas giving him such conflicting signals, making this so much more difficult than it had to be? Dean had almost gotten over the other man too, had understood that he had been too young before but now? This time around it was all on Cas.

"Dean." Cas looked pleadingly at him. "That was not what I meant."

"Then what Cas?" Dean was almost yelling but even if there had been anyone outside the car he wouldn’t have cared. "I’m fed up with this Cas. I _was_ too young, I was but I’ll be eighteen next week, you can’t use that as an argument anymore."

" I’m not, Dean," Cas carded his hands through his hair and looked haunted. Dean wanted to kiss the expression away but his anger kept him from doing anything comforting to the other man. "You-you’re John’s son and I… You just don’t get what sex between us would mean, I can’t—"

Dean’s stomach dropped. "Are you saying it’s because I’m a virgin?" he hissed out, hardly believing Cas would sink so low.

Cas looked as if Dean had struck him. "What? No! How would I...? I wouldn’t presume to kn—"

"Well, I’m sorry Cas." Dean sneered. "I’m sorry I’m not as _experienced_ as you. It’s not for lack of trying." He stubbornly refused to look at Cas, fearing those knowing eyes.

" Dean..."

"I tried alright!" Dean suddenly screamed and Cas jumped in the seat beside him, looking frightened and Dean took perverse pleasure in that. "I tried to get over you by kissing another guy but all I could see was _you_. And how the guy couldn’t even measure up."

Cas was just looking at him and Dean couldn’t take it. When Cas swallowed as if gearing up to say something Dean scrambled for the door instead.

" I don’t think it’s so wise to come up with you." He muttered and swatted Cas’ hand away when the man reached for him. "I’ll see you at dinner Cas."

"Dean, don’t leave."

"Face it Cas." Dean said condescendingly and leaned down to look at his former uncle. "I can’t be trusted around you, I might do something _inappropriate_."

He didn’t wait for a reply, instead he just slammed the door in Cas’ stupid face and ran away.

  
  


*****

  
  


Suffice to say, it was one of the most uncomfortable dinners in the Winchesters household to date. Even Sam and his parents noticed. John raised his eyebrows at Cas but Cas just shrugged and said he was tired. He excused himself right after they were done and drove back to his apartment. John turned his gaze at Dean, looking like he was just realizing something and was about to be mad with Dean about it and Dean didn’t want to hear it. 

Only when he had retreated to Jo’s room above the Roadhouse did he realize he had left his phone in his back-pack, in Cas’ car.

"Fucking of course." He muttered and smacked his head against the wall hard enough to startle Jo.

  
  



	14. 01-23-1997

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Alcohol as a coping method, Sex as a coping method
> 
> Yes, so this is happening...

  
  


#### Or whatever you call it

  
  


Castiel sighed and rubbed his tired eyes. The last week had been rough. Nora had given him some time off to recuperate from the travel and to get back into his life here in Lawrence and he was gladder than ever that he had agreed. That the time had been spent drinking and sleeping, however, was not something he was proud of. 

He had only been at the Winchesters’ once after that god-awful dinner and it had been to return Dean’s back-pack. John had noted his state of hangover but Castiel had explained it off as jet lag even when he knew John could smell the rum on his breath. John had accepted the excuse though but when Castiel had refused his dinner-invitation in favor of stumbling out to his car he had gotten a frown in return. Still, John had said nothing and Castiel was immensely grateful for that.

How could he tell John that he couldn’t stay for dinner because he feared Dean would be there? He hadn’t talked to Dean in the last week and couldn’t start now. Not after what had happened in the car and certainly not after what he had discovered when he had opened the teen’s phone. He knew he shouldn’t have and it shamed him but he had gotten a nagging feeling in the back of his head when Dean had said Castiel had been the one to pull him back into their dance. He had at first thought Dean had meant figuratively, perhaps by just being too close to the young man — _and fucking encouraging him in the car by leaning closer, really Castiel?!_ — but then he had remembered something, far back in his mind. 

He had been drunk that time. Much more drunk than now and homesick and Dean had been the one on his mind. Castiel remembered that now. Dean. Not John. The implications made his stomach churn.  
He had gone through his phone but the imagined call had been too far back, he supposed. So he had gone to Dean’s phone and hoped that perhaps Dean didn’t use his as much as Castiel used his. What he had found had been enough to break his willpower and for him to resort to the bottle. 

Dean had saved every call and every text Castiel had ever sent him since he’d gotten the phone. The list was depressingly short in the three-year span but the fact that everyone else’s call or text except the very recent ones had been erased in favor of saving place for Castiel’s nonsense — " picking you up at four", "I’m cooking, pizza?", "Sam’s already home" — had been something Castiel almost couldn’t handle. The thought that Dean had saved them, it... it made Castiel cry, to be frank. He had done so much wrong by the kid and he didn’t know if he could ever make it up. Dean shouldn’t want him like this. He wasn’t the man Dean deserved; he wasn’t anyone.

The bottles soothed him. But when he remembered why he had been looking at Dean’s phone in the first place he had sobered up enough to manage to open it again. That had been a mistake.  
Even though he had no evidence left on his own phone he clearly saw the registered call on Dean’s. In the middle of the night, nearly half a year ago, about the same time he had decided to prolong his stay. The call was short and Castiel couldn’t remember anything about it but had a nagging feeling that it had something to do with his decision to stay in LA. The realization had made Castiel cry again and only the rum had comforted him.

Now, several days later, Castiel was beginning to realize he was being childish. Maybe Dean had the right of this? He regretted not stopping Dean from leaving his car and the memory of Dean’s hurt face made his heart clench. He hadn’t meant what Dean had thought, _obviously_. He was uncertain of his own feelings, that was all. Was Dean just a replacement for John? Castiel wanted to say no but he couldn’t, not for sure.

Still, his drunk dial had been Dean, not John, and that had to count for something, right?

Castiel sighed again and heaved himself off the couch, ignoring his pounding head. Why was he even thinking about that? He was twice Dean’s age and Dean had grown up with him as his uncle. It was still _wrong_ , even if Dean technically became legal tomorrow. Dean was right about that at least; Castiel couldn’t use the legality of it as an argument anymore. He would have to be honest with the boy now and how could he when he couldn’t even be honest with himself?

"Goddammit." He muttered but was startled out of his musings when his phone rang. The number was unknown and Castiel frowned at it for a while before answering. "Hello?"  
"Novak!" even that one word was enough to reveal the man’s thick accent.

Despite everything, Castiel caught himself smiling. "Crowley."

"How you doing love?" Crowley always sounded like he was on the move, swinging and swaggering. "I hear you’re back in Lawrence."

Castiel sat down again. He hadn’t talked to Crowley for at least seven years and the break from the last couple of years’ events felt good. It felt like old times.

"What do you care?" Castiel let his smile transfer to his tone of voice. "I heard you moved to Florida."

"Ugh." Crowley snorted. "Too hot for me. No, I’m back too. Kind of. For a while at least."

"How’d you get my number?"

"Is that really your only question?"

Castiel laughed, calmed by how easy it was to talk to his old friend. "Do you perhaps want to meet and catch up?"

"I never thought you’d ask Cassie."

"I could call John and Mary and we—"

"I rather thought you and me could talk." Crowley sounded mischievous and Castiel frowned lightly. He remembered Crowley’s falling out with John very well but had hoped he would be over it by now. What had happened wasn’t, after all, really Crowley’s business. He hadn’t forgotten how easily Crowley could manipulate people into getting what he wanted and he wondered briefly _why_ exactly Crowley had called him.

" Sure." He answered, dragging the syllable out. "When?"

There was a knock on his door and he squinted at it. 

"Now?" Crowley suggested and Castiel couldn’t help himself, he laughed right in Crowley’s ear but his friend didn’t seem to mind. "Are you going to open?" he asked instead, obviously amused.

"How’d you know I was home?" Castiel asked as he opened the door and shut off his phone, staring at Crowley’s smug grin.

Crowley shrugged. "Lucky guess. Plus that ugly Lincoln outside could only be yours."

Castiel made a face at him but pulled him in for a hug before letting him in, only then realizing what an ugly state his apartment was in. He set to picking up dishes and trash as Crowley seated himself on the couch.

"How do you even know where I live?"

"Please, give me come credit." Crowley eyed the half-empty bottle of rum that stood precariously close to the edge of the coffee table. "Also, you haven’t moved from this apartment since you got it love."

Castiel slumped down beside his friend when he realized the apartment was as good as it was going to get at this point.

"That’s true." He sighed and propped one arm on the back of the couch to lean his head against as he considered his friend. "What are you doing back here?"

  
  


*****

  
  


They talked about nothing and everything for a couple of hours and Castiel was happy to relive old memories and to hear about Crowley’s life. How his work had been going — good — how his and Abaddon’s relationship had been — bad, and long since over — what he was doing now and what he wanted to do in the future. Castiel was, however, careful to avoid questions about his own life. Crowley was always good at getting to the core and Castiel was uncomfortable with his own core at the moment. But of course his old friend would notice. Crowley’s hair may have reclined but his wit had only grown sharper.

"What’s up Cas?" he eventually asked, obviously tired of Castiel’s questions. 

"What do you mean?" Castiel sipped the coffee he had brewed just moments before. 

Crowley rolled his eyes. "With you."

"I’m not sure what you—"

Crowley grabbed the rum bottle. "And this. Morgan your new best pal?"

Castiel made a face. "It’s from last night."

"It’s in the middle of the week."

"I’m on a break."

Crowley just looked at him, his eyes half-lidded and full of consideration. Castiel didn’t like it. "How _is_ your pal?"

Castiel decided to not play stupid. Crowley had been there in high school with them. He had been there before and after the decision.

" Fine. He’s still living here in Lawrence."

"And the family?"

"Fine too." Castiel finally met Crowley’s gaze. "You should call them, I’m sure they’d be happy to hear from you."

Crowley cocked his head to the side in obvious mockery of the way Castiel did it when he was thinking or confused. 

"You know, I always thought what he did to you was mean."

Castiel winced but wished he hadn’t. "I know, you said so when it happened. More than once."

"Do you that John and I haven’t talked since high school?"

Of course Castiel knew. The brawl they’d had was legendary at the dorms, even now, and you just didn’t get over stuff like what they’d said to each other then. 

"Let’s not talk about that Fergus." He mumbled. "It was long ago and I’ve forgiven him, you shouldn’t be mad at him anymore."

"Someone should. You shouldn’t have forgiven him." Crowley put a surprisingly soft hand on Castiel’s cheek. "You should’ve chopped his cock off in his sleep."

Castiel chuckled a little. "You’ve said that too."

"And I meant it." Crowley gestured to the rum. "Look what you turning the other cheek have led you to: drinking in the middle of the week and crying on your couch."

Castiel swallowed, his mouth dry. He couldn’t tell Crowley the real reason he was drinking himself into an early stupor. He trusted his friend but they hadn’t seen each other for many years now and even if that hadn’t been true he still couldn’t tell him it was thoughts of Dean that kept Castiel awake at night. But to have Crowley still be mad at John on Castiel’s behalf was not much better, was it?

"It’s not what you think." He mumbled weakly and cast his eyes down. "I do have a life outside of the Winchesters."

"Still sleeping in their spare room?"

"I thought you didn’t talk to John."

"I don’t, but the Winchester household has more than one person, doesn’t it?"

_Mary_ , Castiel realized and wondered what he should think about that. Had she sent Crowley? Probably not.

"I don’t know what you want me to say?"

Crowley growled and yanked Castiel’s head up to meet his eyes. "I want you to say fuck you John Winchester, I’m better than you. I have a nice job and a life and I don’t need you."

Castiel just stared at Crowley’s eyes, seeing his own terrified reflection in them. _That’s not the issue_ , he wanted to scream, _I’ve already said that to John and I meant it. That’s not the problem. I don’t deserve your concern. John isn’t in the wrong anymore, I am. I am filthy and don’t deserve to be justified. Why do you even care after such a long time?_

He swallowed, hard. He couldn’t say any of that. Instead, he opted to give Crowley what he wanted.

" Fuck John." He whispered and was surprised when he still meant it, having believed the anger would have subsided by now.

"That’s right dove." Crowley said and rubbed his chin. The touch was comforting and Castiel leaned in against it.

"Thank you Fergus." He mumbled and felt Crowley’s fingers trail down his neck. It felt unexpectedly nice.

"You’re too pretty to hate yourself." Crowley said, his voice rough and Castiel met his eyes, confused.

"’Pretty’?" he asked stupidly and Crowley rolled his eyes at him but that was not a word people usually used to describe him. He was surprised out of his confusion when Crowley sighed and pulled him into his lap. "F-Fergus?" he stuttered and rested his knees by Crowley’s hips to steady himself when Crowley didn’t let go of his wrists.

"I’ve always wanted to try it with a guy Cassie." He stated, his voice hoarse and it made Castiel shiver despite himself. "Won’t you let me? Forget John Cas, let _me_ fuck you."  
His hands were already roaming Castiel’s back and it felt nice. Castiel shifted slightly in Crowley’s lap. _What the hell am I doing?_ He thought desperately as he let Crowley snake a hand up beneath his tee. _What the hell is_ he _doing? He planned this all long, didn’t he? Treating me like a—_ Crowley dipped in and kissed Castiel lightly just beneath his ear. _Gods, does it matter?_

Crowley’s lips were eager, his fingers deft and when he found a nipple Castiel rolled his hips harder against the other man and was rewarded with a low growl. Castiel was so tightly wound since the incident in the car with Dean and he no longer had Balthazar to take his mind off things, would it be so bad to replace Balthy with Fergus? Even if Crowley had planned this? Even if he was just using Castiel, probably as a replacement same as Castiel? Yes, still worth it Castiel thought when he felt Crowley’s hardening dick dig into his ass. He knew he was easy and so did Crowley; that was probably the main reason he had come here and Castiel just didn’t fucking care.

As Crowley grabbed his ass, Castiel concluded that no, it definitely wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to use Crowley to get Dean out of his head. But here? On the couch? He remembered all too well what had happened the last time he had had sex on this couch and he was pretty certain that Dean had made a copy of John’s key too. He didn’t want a repeat of that, however unlikely.  
" Fergus." He moaned, embarrassed at how wanton he sounded, and pushed against Crowley’s shoulders to get him to detach.

He did but he didn’t look pleased about it. His face was flushed, his pupils dilated but his expression was irritated.

"Don’t tell me you don’t want to Cas." Crowley muttered and rubbed his thumbs against Castiel’s hips, making him roll them again. "I know you and I can feel you against me. Stop over-thinking this."

Castiel shook his head, heady both from his hangover and the arousal that pounded through him. Gods, he had missed another man’s touch. Maybe this _would_ be enough to get his mind off Dean? The fact that the men in LA hadn’t been enough was far from his mind at this point.

" That’s not what I..." he trailed off when Crowley started kneading his ass again.

"Fuck buddies, that’s all I’m saying." Crowley growled hoarsely. "We can stop anytime we want." He pressed on Castiel’s back to make him fall into his chest. He groaned with the weight but Castiel was pushing himself up again. Christ, was he really that bad at expressing himself? Fuck buddies with Crowley seemed like a wonderful distraction, just not on the couch. He would have to work on his conversational-skills. _No wonder Dean misinterpreted me_ , he thought distractedly as Crowley made a face at him for leaving the embrace.

"No, Fergus, I mean yes—just... bed!" he pressed out when Crowley’s hands didn’t relent.

"Oh." Crowley suddenly laughed a throaty laugh and Castiel pressed closer to his chest again, wanting to feel the rumbling. "Sorry." He said and hoisted both him and Castiel to their feet. "For a second there you had me believing—"

"Just get to bed." Castiel bit him off and grabbed his wrist before hauling him around the living room and to the bedroom.

"Eager much?"

"Don’t be so smug." Castiel growled, slamming the door and pressing Crowley up against it, his careful demeanor all but gone in the face of arousal. Crowley looked surprised but decidedly turned on and Castiel smirked, finally allowing himself to get into the right mindset. "We’re just using each other, remember that."

"Sure love." Crowley breathed and grabbed the back of Castiel’s head to bring him in for a kiss. 

It started shallow but Castiel was beyond pity and kindness. He wanted to fuck now. 

The kiss deepened as Castiel pulled Crowley’s tongue into his mouth and when he felt down Crowley’s front he was rewarded with the impressive hard-on waiting for him there. Crowley gripped Castiel’s hips and forced his hips forward, meeting with the friction and obviously loving it.

The air around them was growing thicker and when Castiel broke the kiss to nip along the man’s neck Crowley moaned deep in his throat and thrust his hips again, growing impatient. Castiel couldn’t blame him though. His own pants felt restricting enough to cut off the blood supply and he started unbuttoning one-handedly.

"So." He mumbled against Crowley’s sweat-soaked throat. "First time with a man, huh?"

Crowley made a throaty noise that shot straight to Castiel’s groin. When he looked up he noticed Crowley looking down at the hand Castiel had busied with pulling himself out of his pants. He decided he didn’t need to ask anything else. It was obvious from Crowley’s stare that he was totally on board. It made Castiel feel powerful and he decided to make this easy on the other man. 

"Take off your clothes." He rumbled in a gravelly voice and Crowley snapped lust-filled eyes up to meet Castiel’s. "Take them off and get on the bed."

Crowley complied without a second’s hesitation. Castiel pulled off his own clothes and went to the bedside table as Crowley lay down in the middle of the bed, lazily stroking his dick. Castiel was very conscious of Crowley’s stare as he rummaged around the drawer, looking for lube and a condom that hadn’t expired. 

"How do you want...?" Crowley licked his lips when Castiel straightened and regarded him with dark eyes. 

Castiel smirked and squeezed his dick once before climbing on top of his friend. "Since this is your first time I’ll make it easy on you." He purred and was rewarded when Crowley’s dick jumped and leaked out a small glob of pre-come. Unable to resist, he reached down and collected it on his finger before bringing it to his mouth to taste. _Such a whore_ , he mused but didn’t feel in the least sorry when he moaned around his finger at the taste. Crowley was staring as if in aroused disbelief. 

He leaned down to ghost his breath against Crowley’s mouth. "I’ll ride you today but the next time you decide you need to get your rocks off you’re gonna have to fuck me good to make it up to me."

"Damn Cassie." Crowley pressed out, his voice thick and Castiel arched his back at the sound. "Where have you been hiding? I would’ve loved to see this side of you before."  
Castiel leaned up again and popped the lid of the lube. "Then you should’ve fucked me earlier."

Crowley’s eye darkened impossibly but Castiel just smirked and swatted his reaching hands away in favor of lifting himself up on his knees to gain better access to his own hole. When he grazed his puckered opening he shuddered and closed his eyes. Crowley made an unexpectedly needy sound but Castiel ignored him for now. He knew he had the other man in his grasp and he was satisfied with letting him hang a little. He liked the powerful feeling still coursing through him. This was a side of him he could never really show normally. He was a kind and considerate kind of person but it was during sex that he felt the most alive.

Crowley was positively squirming beneath him by the time Castiel deemed himself open enough. His dick was hanging heavy between his legs and when he opened his eyes he saw that Crowley had left his own untouched as well. He knew why he didn’t want hands on him when he prepped — it was hard enough to focus as it was — but he felt he was pleasantly surprised that Crowley too had opted to wait with the touch. He wondered if it was because he wanted to savior it or if he was afraid to get off too soon but he didn’t bother asking. 

Instead he just reached for the lube again, tossing the condom on Crowley’s chest as he was warming up the sticky fluid in his palm. Crowley swallowed and Castiel knew this was a critical moment. Watching another guy finger himself was a completely different thing from actually sticking your dick in there. He supposed that the fact that Crowley’s hard-on hadn’t diminished in the least was a good sign.

When the condom had been rolled on Castiel took Crowley in his slick hand and stroked him a few times, just to get the spread right. Crowley responded by arching his back and moaning deeply. Castiel like that. He smirked and spent more time than strictly necessary spreading the lube. Crowley’s mouth was hanging open by the time Castiel decided that enough was enough and he gave a small disgruntled noise when Castiel stopped.

"Easy there." Castiel smirked and positioned himself, grabbing a tight hold on Crowley’s base.

He sank down slowly, the going much easier than he would have believed. Crowley gasped beneath him and jerked, obviously trying very hard not to slam his hips up. Castiel took perverse pleasure in keeping Crowley waiting but even he could resist for so long. The spread was wonderful, Crowley thick and pulsing inside him. 

"C-Christ." Crowley panted out and Castiel laughed at him but immediately regretted it because the motion made Crowley’s dick jump inside him. It was rock hard.

He flushed a bright red as his blood boiled. "Moving now." He grunted out and slid up, reveling in the feeling of Crowley’s thick length pressing against his inner walls.

"‘Bout bloody time." Crowley growled out and followed Castiel’s example, angling his hips to thrust up just as Castiel sank down again. 

Castiel moaned loudly and leaned back against Crowley’s knees as he started fucking himself on his friend. Crowley was hot and hard inside him and when he put his feet flat against the bed to gain leverage he managed to hit Castiel’s prostate on almost every thrust. 

Castiel made a strangled noise and fisted his neglected dick, realizing foggily that he wouldn’t last near as long as he would have liked. 

Crowley let him ride out his orgasm and then flipped him over; fucking him into the mattress, seemingly not at all distracted by Castiel’s come smearing between them. For someone claiming not to have been with another man before he seemed perfectly okay with every aspect of it, Castiel reflected absentmindedly as Crowley emptied himself with a shout against Castiel’s shoulder. Not that it mattered, Castiel thought sleepily when Crowley sagged against him. Between his comforting weight and the savoring release still thrumming through Castiel’s body nothing seemed to matter anymore.

_’Cause it’s me they’ve been coming to see, to forget about life for a while,_ he sang to himself when Crowley pulled out but still remained pressed against him in bed, thinking that the feeling of being needed felt unexpectedly nice.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't blame me! I blame season 6 where (spoiler alert!) Castiel agrees to get Crowley's help instead of talking to Dean...


	15. 01-24-1997

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of wanted to put a trigger warning in here because Dean is seriously hurting himself but this is what happened…

  
  


#### Part 1: You can tell it I’m balling

  
  


"Hit me again." He was slurring but he didn’t mind. Neither did the cute blonde behind the bar, apparently, as she just poured him another shot with a wink.

"Woah." Someone said to his right as he tossed back the vodka, only a little unsteadily.

"What?"

"Dean." Gabriel sighed and plucked the glass from Dean’s slippery fingers. "I know were celebrating your birthday and all but slow down mate."

Dean just snorted but he did shake his head when the bartender raised the bottle questioningly. 

His birthday, what a joke. It had been a miserable family dinner followed by him practically running away before "uncle" Cas could get there. John had been shouting something at him as he ran to the car Gabriel was waiting in but Mary had stopped him with something along the lines of "let him be on his own tonight". Yeah, because that was what he really needed. 

Sammy had been standing on the porch as Gabriel spun away but Dean hadn’t been able to look at him, too embarrassed and angry. Not with Sam, of course, but he knew how his anger tended to translate.

Just being in the same room as John was proving a toll for Dean after the latest talk with Cas. So Cas thought he was immature, inexperienced and, most importantly, Cas didn’t know whether he liked John or Dean anymore. That was all that Dean had registered. Cas couldn’t get over John for whatever lame reason and Dean wasn’t _man_ enough to make him.

Dean chewed on the inside of his cheek. Well, he would be man enough after tonight, he would see to that. And then Cas would be out of arguments. No age-problem, no _inexperience_ , no nothing. Except John of course but Dean would deal with that later. Tonight he was getting hammered and laid. Yes, that seemed like a perfectly good idea at the moment. And if he just got laid maybe he would stop pining after that old ass? Maybe he was just hormonal? The plan had been to get experience to shove in Cas’ unbelieving face but as the night progressed he started thinking that maybe he should just fuck Cas right out of his mind. A good enough lay would do that, certainly? Get him to stop thinking about that asshat so he wouldn’t need Cas anymore? Yes, that seemed plausible.

So, hammered? Check. Laid? Dean looked around.

Gabriel was of course plastered against Kali’s front, suckling on her face as if it was air and he was drowning. Where the rest of Kali’s posse had gone Dean didn’t know and didn’t care. He didn’t particularly like those guys anyway.

Jo was dancing with a couple of dudes at the same time, seemingly having the time of her life and owning them all. She could take care of herself. Dean smiled at her when she saw him looking but shook his head when she beckoned him. He did _not_ want to get involved with his friends. 

No the lucky person to share Dean’s first experience would have to be someone he didn’t know. That way, if he sucked, no one would know. Plus, he really just needed to bust a nut and he hardly thought that was what his friends were for.

He spun back to the bar and was about to tap his glass again when he noticed a brunette on the other side of the bar looking at him. She was cute. Hell, he smirked at her and straightened when she smiled back, she was drop dead gorgeous. And a _woman_ , what better way to get over stupid men than a sleeping with women?

After some minutes of flirting to and fro over their glasses Dean decided that there was no time like the present. As he made his way over to her he tried to mentally prepare himself. She was beautiful but obviously older than him so he ventured a guess that she maybe wasn’t as inexperienced as him. That was good, he supposed, let her show him. Problem was he didn’t know if he wanted her to know or not. And could he even fake knowledge in this case? 

Suddenly he got nervous but he was almost at her side and she had turned to face him as he pressed past drunken dancers. She was still smiling when he finally landed beside her so he tried to grin confidently at her. He had dealt with his fair share of flirting before, this was nothing different. _Shape up Winchester_ , he told himself and straightened.

"Wow." She said and reached out a hand to touch his shirt. "You’re much younger than I thought."

His stomach dropped but he tried not to let it show. Instead he leaned against the bar and waggled his eyebrows at her. "Is that gonna be a problem?"

She looked at him, surprised at first but then she laughed a little. Giggled really, and he tried to keep his smile intact.

"You are _so_ cute."

Not the word he had been going for but okay. " And you’re beautiful." He had intentionally let his voice drop and he knew it had worked when she stopped laughing and just kind of _looked_ at him.

" Eager, are you?" she said and he noticed that her voice had dropped as well. He leaned in.

"Could I be anything else with a woman like you looking at me?"

She seemed to consider him and he tried not to fidget. "Ah what the hell." She said suddenly and picked up her purse. "I’m entirely too drunk and deep in the rebound-state to care whether you’re some kind of creep."

He didn't know if he should be offended or not so he couldn’t help his pout. "I’m not a creep."

She stopped what she was doing and looked at him, surprised again. "Just some guy hoping the young guy routine would work?" she asked, genuinely wondering, apparently, and Dean was too drunk not to answer truthfully.

"I _am_ young."

She put a hand on his cheek and it was a little bit too motherly for his liking. 

" Then I have some things to show you sweetie."

The words were innocent enough, could even have been words leading up to him getting smacked upside the head if this had been a movie. But he could totally see the meaning behind them in her aroused gaze and he swallowed, realizing that maybe he had been the prey all along.

"Coming home with me sweetheart?"

"Yes." He croaked and tried to get control over his voice again by clearing his throat. She seemed to like it.

"I’m Lisa."

"Dean."

She nodded. "Follow me Dean."

As he trailed after her swaying hips he flipped open his phone and texted Gabriel:

_" leaving, try not to cum in ur pants on the dance floor"_

Gabriel answered immediately with a considerate _"fck u"_ and Dean smirked as he pocketed his phone.

  
  


#### Part 2: All those fairy tales are full of shit

  
  


Lisa lay beneath him with Dean slotted between her open legs as he caressed her round breasts. She was smiling and encouraging him with little breathy moans and whispers. His hands were shaking slightly and he considered for a moment how lucky he had been to meet someone like Lisa, someone who actually thought his inexperience was arousing, who wanted to teach him and to be the one to take him from innocence to manhood. _Unlike Cas_ , Dean thought sourly but turned the thought away. He shouldn’t be thinking about Cas now. He was having a hard time as it was, maintaining his hard-on, and he didn't need depressing thoughts about the man he had thought he loved destroying the mood. 

Because he was _so_ over Cas by now. Yeah, with a gorgeous lady like Lisa all wet and willing for him he totally didn’t need anything else. No sir.

He gathered her legs around his waist to be able to scoot higher and lapped at her nipple. She moaned cutely and arched her back a little. She had told him that he was very _attentive_ and that that was good. Dean didn’t want to tell her he was just stalling. 

She raked her fingernails over his back when he switched to the other nipple and she was rolling her hips up at him now and it was… fine. No, good. It was good. His dick twitched with the friction and she laughed, breathlessly.

" I think we’re ready enough, don’t you big boy?"

Dean swallowed and nodded a little, licking his lips. "Just… Heard women like foreplay and stuff." He mumbled and felt like he was fourteen again and jerking off in his room was the best he could think of in terms of sexual satisfaction. Except Ca—no! Except nothing. Lisa was leering and speaking. _Focus._

" That’s good sweetie." She mumbled and took one of his hands, bringing it down to the warm wetness between her legs. When she slipped his fingers inside her she arched her back again. "So good." She moaned and let him take over. 

It was tight and warm and _wet_. He could easily fit two fingers and thought he’d have no problem with even more but he didn’t want to push it. Instead he just scissored his fingers, slowly fucking her. It felt nice. Soft and welcoming, like her body was sucking him in. 

He looked up at her blissed out face. Her cheeks rose tinted and eyes closed. _Must feel really good_ , he thought and maybe it would be enough for her? He didn’t know what he thought about that. On the one hand it would be awesome to be able to say he brought a woman to finish with just his fingers. On the other hand he didn’t know if it would really count for him. He was still here to gain experience after all and even though they had spent a lot of time teaching him a lot of things he had yet to stick his dick anywhere. 

He looked down at it and it was hard and an angry shade of red but it was decidedly dry, not leaking pre-come in the least. In his experiences with Cas he had already come by now, hell he and Lisa had already been at it thrice as long as he and Cas and all his erection had done was twitch and wane two times. Lisa hadn’t seemed too concerned with that though, had supposedly only thought it was because he was nervous, so he guessed he shouldn’t think about it either.

In any case, Lisa was moaning and writhing by now and Dean once again pushed his thoughts of Cas to the back of his mind to be able to focus on Lisa.

"Stop." She breathed suddenly and he stilled immediately, thinking maybe he had managed to hurt her while he was zoning out but she just smiled at him. "Top drawer, condom." She waved at her bedside table and he nodded, swallowing.

Of course, he should have anticipated that. Hell, he had set out to get laid and he hadn’t even brought his own. How lame. _And inexperienced_ , a mean voice told him but Lisa was still smiling that blissed out smile so he decided to ignore it as he fished out a condom and ripped the wrapper.

Lisa sat up as he plucked the ring out and took it from him. With a smile he supposed was seductive she rolled it on him and his body responded accordingly to the friction. His hips bucked up and he groaned, hardly believing how good it felt. Maybe he _had_ been too focused on her. Yeah, his dick just needed a little attention, that was all.

She opened her legs to him again and he draped himself over her and slid inside in one smooth movement, the warmth taking his breath away. He had thought his dick was warm filled up with blood as it was but Lisa’s inner walls were something else. 

He gulped and shut his eyes as he bracketed her head with his underarms, trying to collect himself. Lisa let her hands roam his body and lifted her legs to wrap them around his waist. When he was still for too long she rolled her hips up and the motion made her clench around him.

" Move sweetie." She gasped and he realized he had been waiting for her to get used to him inside her. He had been watching a lot of porn lately but they hadn’t really prepared him for this. She was a woman and women were after all build to take men, he understood that now as he fitted so snugly inside her without her even flinching. 

He slowly pulled out and gave a couple of experimental thrusts before he found his rhythm. She moaned beneath him and moved with his thrusts, sweat slicking between their bodies as he picked up his pace. His sweat he realized belatedly, she hardly seemed to be warm.

His hips stuttered on a thrust and she put her arms around his chest, pulling him close and nosing his neck. "Don’t try so hard." She mumbled and he automatically slowed down his bucking, making to roll his hips slowly against her instead and she sighed contentedly. "That’s right, move _with_ me."

He gritted his teeth. He wanted her to stop talking. Her voice was too light and airy. He tried to bury his head against her shoulder but her hair got in his face. He wanted to stop and at the same time he wanted to speed up. He wanted it rougher but he was afraid he would hurt her. 

When she moaned and clenched around him he couldn’t help himself. He put his hands on her hips and lifted her rump against him, bracing his leverage on his knees. It forced her to fold in half but she seemed limber enough and she didn’t protest. Instead she raked her hands down his back and made grabby hands at his ass. 

The new angle did something for her, if her continued moaning was something to go by but Dean was getting frustrated. The friction and clenching was nice but it wasn’t nice enough. He felt trapped on the edge of his orgasm and his eyes were watering with the effort of understanding what was missing.

A long time went by, Dean didn’t know how long and didn’t dare look at the alarm clock but at least his erection held steady, just there on the edge. He had resorted to biting his lip and only managed little grunts in answer to her praise. She was enjoying herself, that much was clear to him. She complimented his angle, his dick, his preservation and he realized absentmindedly that she hadn’t anticipated him lasting this long. Well, to be frank neither had he but she just wasn’t giving him that little extra he needed. 

He wanted to cry. What was wrong with him? Buried deep inside a willing woman, thrusting like there was no tomorrow, why couldn’t he come? With Cas it had seemed so simple. Just a touch from the other man was enough to set Dean’s blood boiling. Just a look sometimes. 

He remembered what Cas had looked like that day in his car and his hips bucked harder without his knowledge. Cas always had that tousled look about him but there was something about his kiss-slicked lips that made Dean go all gooey. Cas’ lips were beautiful. What wouldn’t they look like wrapped around Dean’s dick?

The thought made his dick jump inside Lisa and this time he moaned with her.

" Dean!" she panted. "I’m close."

Cas had been close too, that day in the car, Dean had no doubt. His dick had been so hard against Dean’s hand and he had no problem believing it had been reliving that moment when Dean was sixteen and he had humped Cas up against his car. Cas had come in his pants that time, at Dean’s hand.

When Lisa came she grabbed his ass hard. His foggy mind translated that as something Cas would do in a similar situation and he shouted hoarsely as he came, still buried inside Lisa, desperately wishing it was someone else.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so 18 is the legal age where I come from, both for having sex with older people and for drinking in bars, sorry Kansas state law if I messed up! Then again, fanfiction-verse so…


	16. 02-15-1997

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shameless smut.

  
  


#### You’re not here next to me

  
  


" _Cas need to talk to u_ "

It was those six words that had Cas crumbling to pieces. He had been avoiding Dean but up until now Dean had been avoiding him too so he had figured that it had been for the best. Crowley had worked as a temporary substitution. Or distraction, rather, but it worked. Most of the time. 

Gods, Castiel missed Dean’s voice and the text hadn’t made it better. He was being a fool, he knew. He should have called Dean but he was starting to realize things about himself and about Dean. The more time Castiel spent with Crowley, fucking him, socializing with him, the more he realized that Dean was not just John’s ghost. Dean was Dean and Castiel should have known. Had known for quite a while if he thought about it now that he was mostly sober but that was getting into dangerous territory. Crowley was supposed to act as a replacement, not get him thinking what it would be like to do these things with Dean! 

Still, when Dean was finally reaching out to him again he should have called him and not Crowley. 

Castiel sighed as he lay in his bed, waiting for his " distraction" to get out of the shower. Their latest tryst had been short and rough and even though Castiel liked that way he still felt… empty? That was not really the word. He knew the word he was looking for, he just didn’t want to say it.

When Crowley sauntered out he was naked and still drying his hair on Castiel’s towel. He stopped by the side of the bed and Castiel looked lazily at him.

"You okay there love?" Crowley asked when Castiel made no move to get up.

Castiel shrugged. "Why wouldn’t I be?"

"You tell me."

Castiel made a face and turned half-way away from Crowley, not really feeling like talking about him possibly falling in lo—no, not going there. He just didn’t feel like talking. Crowley shrugged too and went back to the bathroom, presumably to finish up.

Castiel sighed again and thought about Dean even though he shouldn’t. What would Dean do after—no, _if_ —no, just…

"Fuck it all." He muttered and traced lazy circles in the dried come on his stomach.

What would Dean do after they’d had sex? Would he immediately disappear into the bathroom like Crowley? Would he stay? Would he be weirded out by another man’s sperm? Would he taste it?  
Castiel’s tired dick twitched at the last notion. He had never dared to think about Dean like that but now that he had started it was hard to stop. 

What _would_ Dean look like, propped up on his knees, bent over Castiel and licking his stomach free from come? It was… it made quite the picture in Castiel’s head.

He put his hand down by his dick, barely touching it but ghosting his thumb against its underside, feeling it slowly fill as more thoughts of what Dean might and might not do to him came flooding his mind. 

Dean kissing him. Dean biting his nipples. Dean raking his fingers down his chest as he got closer and closer to Castiel’s crotch—

" Well, aren’t you looking perky?"

Crowley startled him and Castiel yanked his hand away from his erection, feeling stupidly embarrassed for someone who not an hour ago got rammed in the ass by the same man.  
"I-I…" he cleared his throat when nothing useful came out.

Crowley laughed huskily. "I don’t really have time but by all means, don’t let me stop you." He said and bent down to retrieved his button down from the floor. "It’s your bedroom after all." He was wearing a slightly entertained grin as he shrugged his shirt on and Castiel blushed crimson.

"I couldn’t." He said but shivered when Crowley’s eyes raked down his body. Of course his erection hadn’t diminished. Of fucking course.

"Come now." Crowley said amusedly. "You’ve done this before, just think of your lover boy." He winked but Castiel glared best he could. Crowley laughed again. "It _is_ a man you’re thinking about when I fuck you, isn’t it?" he asked and Castiel nodded because what was the point of denying that? Crowley knew he’d always been gay and besides, it was pretty hard to be imagining a girl when getting a dick up the ass. Not that he was imagining Dean when he was fucking Crowley… Just the thought of doing _that_ made his dick jump.

" Of course it is." Crowley smirked and pulled on his underwear. "And who could it be? Not John, certainly." Castiel glared even harder because they’d had this conversation already. No names were mentioned, ever. But Crowley just continued, seemingly enjoying himself and Castiel cursed both him, his persisting erection and himself. "Surely someone handsome though? Someone quite outstanding and with pretty eyes." He looked down at Castiel and Castiel realized Crowley was seriously enjoying this. "I know you’re a sucker for pretty eyes Cassie." He muttered, his voice dropping and Castiel thought _fuck it_ for the second time that evening. 

" Yes." He hissed out when his hand picked up the pace once more.

Crowley nodded. "And he’s probably pretty strong too. You like that too, like being held down." Castiel moaned and absentmindedly registered that Crowley had stopped dressing himself. "That’s right dove." Crowley mumbled and went to stand at the foot of the bed. Castiel spread his legs a little, seeing where this was going and liking it.

Crowley licked his lips at the sight presented before him. "What else?" he murmured and his pupils blew out when Castiel arched his back slightly. "What else is your mystery man? Is he tall?" he hummed at his own question when Castiel’s breath shuddered out of him. "I bet he is, he would crowd over you and you would love it."

Oh God if Crowley knew how right he got it. If Dean would press Castiel up against a wall, push Castiel’s hands up above his head and just hold him in place… 

Castiel moaned and bucked up into his own touch. Fuck, he had never allowed himself to think about Dean in this context but the boy was eighteen now. Surely now it couldn’t hurt?

His hand was working furiously, coating his length in pre-come and his other hand was already fingering his tight balls but it wasn’t enough.

"Fergus." He groaned to show his discontent and Castiel thought he would continue talking because holy shit, that was hot, but instead he climbed onto the bed. 

Castiel’s hips bucked again and he spread his legs even further, welcoming Crowley closer but the man remained on his knees, staring down at Castiel’s painful erection. Castiel stopped his ministrations when Crowley licked his lips again. 

He let the other hand continue further down below his sack and his hips twitched at the need for friction.

"F-Fergus." He moaned again and Crowley snapped his eyes up to his pleading ones before dropping back to his crotch. Would he? He had jacked Castiel off once and the Gods knew they had fucked in every imaginable position but would he actually put his mouth there? That was dangerously close to the gay-side of their deal, Castiel knew from experience. 

Just when he thought he wouldn’t be able to take the wait any longer, Crowley reach a hand down and gripped the base of his dick. Castiel gasped and looked on with rounded eyes as Crowley tentatively bowed his head and dipped his tongue down to lap at Castiel’s fat head. 

He couldn’t help it. Even as little as it was, it was still friction and he bucked his hips up. Crowley didn’t seem to mind too much, even though put his hands on Castiel’s hips.

"The taste’s not great, I’ll give you that." Crowley muttered but bent down again anyway and Castiel all but whimpered when he licked with the flat of his tongue. "But the sounds you’re making… I mean, Christ Cassie." He smirked at Castiel before diving in and actually swallowing the tip of the straining erection in the wet heat of his mouth. "I’m not gonna be good at this." He said, sounding seriously breathless and Castiel wished he would just stop talking right the fuck now. "You just keep on thinking about lover boy." He winked when Castiel’s back arched. "What would he look like doing this? Delicious, I bet."

"Fergus!" Castiel barked out and clutched the sheets when Crowley bent down again, chuckling as he took Castiel back in his mouth. 

Dean would look like a fucking pro doing this, Castiel had no reservations about that. It wouldn’t matter if he was inexperienced as he seemed to think, the looks he gave Castiel sometimes were like liquid sex and fuck if that wouldn’t be enough.

He bucked again against Crowley’s constricting grip when he felt the tip of his dick touch the back of Crowley’s throat. It felt amazing, sliding in and out of that heat and Crowley was leaving nothing untouched. He alternated between sucking and licking and Castiel growled deeply when he dipped down to mouth at his hard balls. 

_Fuck._

Dean would lick and nip and he would _explore_ because Dean was nothing if not eager. His hands would roam and he would pinch Castiel’s nipples, Castiel was sure. Dean’s hands were slightly more calloused than Castiel’s own and it would feel fucking fantastic.

Crowley was sucking like someone who had done this before and Castiel wondered groggily if that was because he actually had or because he just did whatever he liked himself. Not that he particularly cared, not when his balls were growing tight and the heat in his lower stomach flared like a living thing.

_Dean_ , Castiel thought desperately when he felt his orgasm pull closer, inevitable now. _I want… I…_

" Fuck!" he growled out and pushed Crowley out of the way just in time to grab his dick and aim his release at himself, shooting thick spurts almost all the way to his own throat. 

Crowley was chuckling again when Castiel’s hearing returned. "Thanks for the save mate."

Castiel wrinkled his nose at how cheesy everything felt. Fuck buddies was only awesome when chasing the orgasm but sometimes he just wanted to vomit and brush his teeth and be done with it when it was over. 

He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. "Yeah, well, I’ve heard it’s appreciated."

Crowley got up, nodding, and that was when he noticed Crowley’s bulge. It wasn’t big but it was there. _Not so much for the dick-sucking then?_ He gestured for Crowley to get closer.

" Sporting a semi there for me?" he said, trying to sound teasing but he was tired.

Crowley looked down and then grinned at him. "Seems so." He answered but to Castiel’s relief he got off the bed and started pulling on his pants. "But I wasn’t kidding about being short on time, I needed to go twenty minutes ago."

Castiel barely had the decency to be ashamed of that. "Next time then."

Crowley finished dressing and turned to look at him, probably looking like the picture of debauchery, drenching in his own come and eyes heavily lidded from exhaustion. 

"Yes." He answered, his voice surprisingly soft. "Next time love." He turned just as he was walking out the door to the bedroom. "And Cassie? You should probably do something about this lover of yours."

Castiel frowned but was too tired to be irritated. "Same goes for you and your lady, you know."

As decided they hadn’t talked about it but they both knew what they were doing, only difference begin that it was a woman toying with Crowley’s heart but at this point that hardly mattered. Point was, they both wanted someone else and they both knew it. Castiel wasn’t really up to talking any more about it.

"Just saying, maybe next time you should call him instead? It can’t be that bad."

Castiel was having a hard time keeping sleep at bay and really wishing Crowley would shut up. What was the deal with him and talking anyway? The man must really love the sound of his own voice. Plus, Castiel really didn’t want to be reminded with what he had just done. Thinking about Dean in such a way… Boy, would it be hard not to in the future now.

"Still the same to you." Castiel retorted dryly and Crowley snorted at him.

"Yeah, yeah." He muttered and closed the door behind him.

  
  



	17. 03-01-1997

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And _finally_ we’re getting somewhere! I mean, holy hell boys…

  
  


#### We called it love

  
  


Castiel sipped his red wine as he folded the last of the paperwork he had taken home over the weekend. Wine was better than rum, he decided. It was smoother on his throat for one thing. If there was something Castiel needed it was _not_ a rougher voice, thank you very much.

These last few weeks since he had gotten home had been trying but he thought he was making progress. He was working again, he was down to only one bottle of wine per weekend and every encounter with Crowley didn’t necessary mean sex. He was coping and that was good. He had even managed _not_ to think about Dean in any more sex-related scenarios. Kudos to him, Castiel thought.

He and John had even hung out a couple of times and he had been at the Winchester house for dinner a couple of nights. Always when Dean was away though, for seemingly no particular reason other than coincidence. The Winchesters were buying it at least and that was all that mattered to him. 

This day was a special day, however. Dean had texted him again and this time saying he wanted to meet. To talk. That he had wanted that for a while but Castiel always seemed so busy. Castiel had felt really bad because he had portrayed himself as more busy than he actually was but Dean didn’t need to know that. Point was, he felt guilty enough to agree to a meeting. He was happy though; he felt that he was emotionally prepared and that this time he would be able to be frank with the boy. If his times with Crowley had taught him one thing — besides the fact that Crowley liked to take him from behind because that way it was easier for Crowley to pretend Castiel was that woman he actually liked — it was that he needed to be more vocal and assertive. Like how he was in the bedroom. He would just have to be short and to the point, even Crowley had told him so, when Castiel had admitted that he was meeting his " lover boy" today. Castiel still didn’t dare tell him the truth. He needed Crowley for release — it was the only thing that kept him from the bottle — so he couldn’t risk losing him now or relapse.

He sat down on his couch, wine glass still in his hand. He was nervous. The last time he and Dean had talked hadn’t worked out so great and he was afraid that the time apart had done him no favors. Not to mention him ignoring Dean’s last text. 

It was one thing to flee to the other side of the country but a whole other matter to avoid someone who lived in the same town. Also, he was still feeling childish. He was after all the adult and he would have to act it. And scared, he supposed, the unbid thoughts of Dean he had had that one time Crowley had sucked him off seemed fresher now than ever. What was it exactly that he wanted with this meeting?

Just as he took another sip his doorbell rang. The sound startled him, mostly since it was never used. People just walked in or maybe knocked. He tried to swallow as he gasped and was assaulted by a coughing fit.

"It’s open." He managed between hacks and when Dean walked in and frowned at him he put the wine down on the table to lean back and take a deep breath. He started coughing again.

"You alright there?" Dean asked and hung up his jacket by the door.

Castiel looked at him with teary eyes. His green eyes twinkled with something akin to amusement and his lips quirked at Castiel’s difficulties. Gods, it was difficult to dismiss those thoughts now.

But he also seemed different somehow. Castiel couldn’t put his finger on it and dismissed it as he tried another deep breath.

"Sure." He wheezed and gestured to the room at large. "Please, sit."

Dean chose the armchair situated at the far end of the table, i.e. the farthest away from Castiel he could get without being rude. Castiel tried to not get hurt by the miniscule gesture.

"A little early to break out the juice, ain’t it?" Dean asked amusedly and looked at the wine glass.

"It’s four in the afternoon."

"Happy hour hasn’t even started."

"I wasn’t aware there was a deadline for Saturdays."

Dean’s laugh was rich and smooth and Castiel smiled too. This was going better than he would have thought. Dean seemed so relaxed it almost made Castiel jumpy. _Keep it together, he came because he has something to say and you will listen. At least you owe him that._

" I’ve missed talking to you Cas." Dean said, laughter still in his eyes. "We should hang out more often."

"I think so too."

A silence settled between them and they kind of just _stared_ at each other, both still smiling a little. This was usually when things went south, Castiel reflected, so he made to continue with one of his rehearsed speeches but Dean surprised him.

" So, what’s been up with you?"

"I…" Castiel faltered, Dean looked so relaxed where he sat with the wrist of one leg rested against the knee of the other. Big and strong, imposing almost. "Work, mostly." He answered and Dean nodded.

"Nora not giving you shit for taking time off?"

He almost commented the language but stopped himself in the last second. "No." He looked down at his hands in his lap and wondered how much Dean knew. He guessed Mary had been talking to her sons but no one really knew the truth so he guessed it was fine. "She realized it’s a lot to move back and forth like that."

Dean hummed and Castiel chewed his lip. Why did this feel so difficult? He felt like a blubbering idiot around Dean, hardly even recognizing himself, and not at all what he had aimed for. Dean looked confident and… and enticing and Castiel knew he shouldn’t but he thought of those secret fantasies Crowley had pulled out of him. He barely managed not to blush, they were talking and that was good. And yet somehow something felt worse this time, when really it shouldn’t. But Dean was different, more distant in his tone and body language and that should be good. It _should_.

" How’s it going with your boyfriend?"

The question took Castiel unawares and he jerked his head up, probably looking like a deer caught in headlights. Guilty, he probably looked guilty.

"I don’t have a boyfriend."

Dean looked genuinely surprised and Castiel wondered for a short moment how this conversation would have looked like if he and Dean didn’t have _that_ kind of history.

" Oh?" Dean cocked his head to the side and Castiel squinted when he recognized himself. "I just thought… mom said…"

Castiel swallowed. "Mary _presumed_." He corrected, irritated now, and Dean stopped looking innocent. Dean and John was one thing but you didn’t rip on Mary and think everything would be okay in Dean’s book.

" I just heard her talking to John about some old friend that you were reconnecting with and how she was happy for you."

"So _you_ presumed."

" Funny." Dean continued as if Castiel hadn’t said anything, his tone now more of a sneer and Castiel was beginning to think he had fallen in some kind of trap. "John didn’t seem so happy about hearing about you and, who was it again? Corny?"

"Crowley."

"So you _do_ know who I’m talking about?"

Castiel sighed and felt stupid. Dean was shrewder than Castiel would have thought. " Look, Dean." He carded his fingers through his hair. "Crowley and I are not involved. He was a good friend to us all in high school and he just moved back to town."

"So he’s not your boyfriend?"

"No."

"But you _are_ fucking him?"

Castiel stared at him, wide-eyed, but Dean’s handsome face was set in a stony poker face. " I-I don’t see what that has to do with anything."

Dean smiled but Castiel didn’t like it. "You’re not denying it."

"No." Castiel whispered, feeling extremely guilty for some reason. "I’m not denying it."

"I saw him leaving the other day." Castiel squinted in confusion but Dean continued undisturbed. "Well, not the other day per say. It was the day after my birthday, so the other month really. I felt awful about how I’d treated you so I came to apologize. I met him in the stairs, he left your apartment when I was just a foot from it so I just kept walking like I was going up another floor. He didn’t even look at me but he was easy enough to recognize from mom’s yearbook."

Castiel’s throat was dry but he didn’t reach for his wine. He never should have let Fergus stay over. He didn’t know why but now it felt like the worst decision he had ever made. Made even worse by the fact that Dean had felt the need to research old photos.

"You should’ve come in." He all but croaked but Dean just smiled that non-Dean-like smile again. 

"Didn’t want to impose. But it’s all good." He shrugged. "You have your man to make you happy and I have… others."

Castiel didn’t like the sound of that, not at all. A sour feeling twisted in his stomach. "What do you mean?"

"Well, you calling me too stupid to understand what sex meant got me thinking."

"I never said—"

"So I decided," Dean continued, his voice rising to quiet Castiel’s protests. "That I would have to do something about that." He nodded when Castiel just stared at him, feeling helpless and trapped. "I’m sorry I had to miss you on my birthday but I had made plans with Gabe and Jo. We were going out to Sweet and Low." He chuckled a little but the sound was foreign to Castiel and he winced. Dean didn’t notice. "I mean, I couldn’t very well wait around at home for someone to take my virginity. _That_ would never happen." His normally so warm eyes were hard as stone as they bore into Castiel’s soul. " So I went to the club and picked up a gorgeous woman and I fucked her. Easy as that."

_That’s what’s different_ , Castiel thought despairingly. Of course going from virgin to non-virgin wouldn’t show physically but Dean carried himself differently. Castiel was sure that was what it was and it felt like glass in his lungs.

He swallowed hard and made to pour himself some more wine in his half-full glass. _This glass is less empty than I_ , he thought dully.

"That’s great Dean." He heard himself say.

"Yeah?" Dean asked and Castiel looked up, a shaky hand still clutching the wine bottle. "At first I came here the day after to tell you that I no longer was too young or too inexperienced, that you’d be out of arguments but…" he pursed his beautiful lips. "But seeing that guy made me think. I mean, what do I really need you for? Time to get over my little crush, right? I’d gone out to find someone to sleep with and succeeded on the first try." He lifted his arms out to the side as if to say: look at me and Castiel was looking, hard. "I grew up with you, I’ve always respected you and you’re really good-looking but you were right, it’s always just been a boy’s foolish crush on his cool uncle, hasn’t it?"

Castiel nodded slightly. "S-sure." He pressed out and thought that he should feel a bit happier and a little less like he wanted to slit his throat.

"Sure?" Dean asked, as if he wanted confirmation that Castiel got that Dean finally had understood what Castiel had been talking about all these years. But…

"Yes." Castiel nodded again, more certain this time. "I’m glad you found someone to… that you…"

Dean’s first time had been with someone else. The realization hit hard and Castiel’s throat felt too tight. Someone that wasn’t Castiel had taken Dean’s manhood. A woman. And it was all Castiel’s fault. How could he not have seen? How could he not have acted? He tried to take a deep breath.

"I’m glad." He finished meekly, only barely aware that his lips were trembling around the words. 

"Are you?"

Dean sounded mad but he didn’t dare look at the man. He wanted him to leave. _I can’t cry in front of him._ But it felt like John all over again. Worse, actually. It felt like Dean ripping his heart out. _Too late, I am much too little too late._

" Yes."

"Well you sure as fuck don’t look it!"

Castiel was startled when Dean suddenly stood up and screamed at him. He turned scared eyes at the other man and saw him standing there, fuming, all his careful façade broken.

"D-Dean?"

"You look like I fucking murdered someone and you… your lip’s trembling."

Castiel unconsciously reached up a hand and ghosted his fingers over his mouth. "I’m sorry." He whispered.

Dean sighed heavily and raked his fingers through his short hair. "Fuck Cas." He muttered. "I didn't want you to cry, I just wanted…" he stopped and looked at Castiel, really _looked_ and Castiel felt his whole body start to tremble now. " I hated it okay?" Dean said eventually, his voice suddenly softer. "I did it to prove something and I guess… I did it to get over you but I fucking hated having sex with that woman. She was beautiful but she…" he sat down beside Castiel, so very close. "She wasn’t you, okay?"

Castiel’s trembling didn’t stop even as Dean put a careful hand on his knee. He stared at the handsome face of the boy — no, man now — and couldn’t believe how grown up he looked. 

"You didn’t like it?" he asked lowly, even his voice trembling.

"Her voice was too shrill." Dean said and smiled a little, more like himself and Castiel felt his chest warm up. "Her body was too round and soft. She had no dick and she _was not you_." Dean took his hands and caught Castiel’s gaze. " I tried, okay? It was no hit." He chuckled a little and Castiel’s lips quirked at the sound. "She complimented me on my stamina but I wonder what she would’ve said if she knew." He looked down at their hands and squeezed a little. "I don’t have any fucking stamina; I just couldn’t come with her. I had to think about you to even finish. I’ve never felt worse during anything sex-related."

Castiel couldn’t help his small smile. He shouldn’t feel so relieved to hear that but he couldn’t help it. "Yeah?"

Dean looked up again and this time he smiled broadly. "Yeah. Cas, I even gave her a fake number when she wanted mine, alright?"

Castiel’s smile grew and Dean sighed, almost happily.

They stayed like that for a while, just looking again but this time it was comfortable, pleasant. Castiel swallowed and felt a warm rush when he saw Dean tracking the movement of his throat with his eyes. This wasn’t what he had expected and it shouldn’t be what he desired but Castiel couldn’t remember any of his arguments against this, not right now. Dean’s greens were all that mattered.

Then Dean cleared his throat and looked away. "So what do you say? I know there’s something here Cas." He nearly looked dejected before he had even started his arguments and Castiel realized that it was his fault. All those other times… But he would be better at this now, Crowley had taught him his lesson. "You and me Cas, I just know." He looked up again. "If you say no now I won’t come after you again. I am old enough now to know when enough is enough but… You nearly cried when I told you about losing my virginity to someone else. I am legally old enough and I’ve gotten myself at least _some_ experience, what more do you want?"

Castiel gnawed his lower lip as Dean spoke. He realized that Dean had administered the whole conversation to gauge Castiel’s reaction. He didn’t know what to feel about being played like that but he guessed it didn’t matter very much, not now. The point had been made, loud and clear. Dean had found a way to convince Castiel of his own feelings and he couldn't hide anymore, didn’t want to. Now he just needed to get everything off his chest, to make Dean understand too.

" You’re John’s son—" he started but was interrupted by Dean’s loud groan.

"No the dad-card again Cas, enough."

Cas desperately grabbed Dean’s hands when he made to pull away. "No, listen to me." Dean shut up but he looked like he was at flight-risk and Castiel didn’t like it so he hurried to continue. "You’re John’s son and you know John and me had something before."

"Yeah but he fucking left you."

"I made him, I’m not the innocent little saint people seem to think."

Dean frowned. "What people, who else knows your story?" his face darkened. "Crowley?"

"No, well yes but that’s beside the point." Dean was pulling away again and Castiel was desperate to get back on track. "Dean, listen." He pulled Dean closer to him and the other man’s breath hitched very slightly. "I was afraid of your advances for a long time. First it was the age, then the relation. We, you… I _am_ your uncle."

Dean only nodded and Castiel was relieved when he didn’t argue the facts, he guessed the other man really had grown up. 

" But as you grew older I realized…" he took a deep breath and looked away, unable to watch Dean’s searching eyes. "I was afraid of hurting you because you seemed… _really_ infatuated and I-I wasn’t certain."

" Certain of what, Cas?" Dean asked, his voice low and gruff and so very close.

Castiel shivered. "Couldn’t be certain if I wanted you or the ghost of John." He whispered with closed eyes, ashamed, but when he didn’t feel Dean pull back he opened them and saw Dean staring determinedly at him. 

"And now?"

"Now…"

Dean was suddenly pulling him even closer, their noses touching and breaths ghosting over each other’s mouths and cheeks. "What would you say now? Whose would you be _now_?"

Castiel’s head swam with the sound, scent and warmth of _DeanDeanDean_. The answer was suddenly so blaringly obvious.

" Yours." He moaned and meant it. 

Dean’s lips were on his in an instant. The kiss was anything but tender, Dean pressing insistently at him and wasting no time licking his lower lips to gain the access Castiel more than happily supplied. Castiel could have sobbed when their tongues met if not for the searing arousal that rushed through his body.

"Mine?" Dean growled against his mouth and Castiel arched his back to get closer. "_Only_ mine?"

" Yes." The answer came out in a hiss and Dean pulled at him so that Castiel ended up straddling his lap, never losing contact.

Dean’s hands were quickly on Castiel’s ass and he encouraged the roll of Castiel’s hips with steady thrusts of his own. Castiel put one hand on the side of Dean’s face and grabbed a hand-full of short sandy hair with the other.

Dean tasted like electricity and bravado and Castiel couldn’t get enough. Dean’s legs were steady beneath him and his dick was already straining in his pants. Castiel groaned and grinded down on it, making Dean gasp in their shared breath. 

"Always mine Cas." Dean was mumbling as Cas rode him, strong hands gripping tight. "No one else’s, don’t you dare take it back this time."

"No." Castiel moaned, sounding positively pained. "I won’t, I won’t, please Dean forgive me. Only yours."

_When did the child grow up?_ Castiel reflected in his clouded mind. When had he become this astonishing person and how could Castiel have missed it? Why had he fought this? Dean was as if made for him. They slotted together perfectly and Castiel was more aroused at the hands of this eighteen-year-old than he ever remembered being. 

This was it, he realized. _This_ was why he had convinced John to leave him all those years ago, this was why he had suffered for so long; so that Dean could be his and so that he could bask in Dean’s reflected glory. 

He wanted to tell Dean all that but he could hardly form sentences right now. Dean’s hands were flying all over his body and the urgency he felt clearly translated to the other man.

He shuddered when Dean ripped open his slacks and shoved his hand inside. When Dean’s hand found Castiel’s hard-on there was nothing else to do but scream and arch his back. He saw starts as he began humping the offered tightness of Dean’s fist and he knew he was a gibbering mess. So much for being assertive and confident during sex. He was like a fucking teenager with Dean’s hands on him and he _loved_ it. 

It was first when he started suckling on Dean’s neck that Dean actually made a rough noise and stopped his ministrations.

" Dean." He whined and Dean’s hips bucked at the sound, seemingly on their own.

"Fuck, Cas." Dean moaned and kissed him once on the mouth, much too brief. "Let me."

Castiel didn’t know what he meant but he got a slight idea when Dean rearranged them on the couch to make Castiel sit on it with Dean on the floor between his spread legs. 

His eyes widened, both at the sight and the realization. "Dean, you don’t have to push yourself." He mumbled and carded his hands through Dean’s short hair. 

Dean just glared at him and started yanking on Castiel’s pants. "Shut up." He muttered and made Castiel lift his hips to get the pants all the way off. "I’ve wanted to do this since forever."

Castiel arched his back slightly when his dick sprung free but it was the mouth-watering sight of Dean staring at it that made it leak a little. He whined pathetically when Dean swiped his thumb at the drop and licked it off his digit. His fantasy was coming through and he wasn’t really sure he was mentally prepared. Dean looked better between his legs than any imagination would have him believe. And the fact that Dean hadn’t even hesitated before tasting his pre-come had Castiel’s breath shudder out of him.

"Shit, Cas." Dean mumbled, his breath ghosting the fat head of Castiel’s cock. "Your sounds alone are enough to…" he cut himself off and looked Castiel in the eye before taking his dick in a loose grip and tugging slightly. When Castiel moaned and bucked up he buried his head against Castiel’s thigh, inhaling his scent. "Fuck." He groaned and tentatively licked a stripe up one of Castiel’s balls. 

Castiel could already feel his balls climb higher, the tight heat in his stomach coiling like fire and Dean had barely touched him! He felt like such a whore but with Dean licking his lips like that he couldn’t find it in himself to care. 

Instead he just spread his legs wider and rolled his hips up to meet Dean’s stroke.

"Please Dean." He groaned out, his voice a deep rumble in his chest and it certainly got Dean’s attention.

"I got you." Dean mumbled and suddenly put his mouth to Castiel’s straining dick. 

"A-ah!" The warm slickness was almost too much and Castiel couldn’t help his hips bucking up into it. Dean didn’t seem to mind though; he just gripped Castiel’s hips in his steady hands and sucked as much of Castiel as he could manage down his greedy throat. 

It was too much. It was not enough. It was fucking perfect; it was _Dean_. 

Castiel was a panting mess in no time, snapping his hips up against Dean’s possessive hands grabbing at his ass and gripping the couch tight to keep from putting them on Dean’s head and accidentally pushing down. He wanted it to last forever but he was too tightly wound, especially when it came to _Dean_. 

It was when he looked down and saw Dean fisting his own dick that he lost it. He didn’t even have time to warn the man before he shot down his throat but Dean didn’t seem to mind that either. He just moaned around Castiel’s pulsing dick and sucked harder, feeling like such a pro that Castiel wondered briefly if he had practiced this too, in his chase for experience. 

He came out of his foggy aftermath when Dean gripped the couch beside Castiel’s right thigh.

" F-fuck Cas, I-I need…" his face was a mask of pained pleasure and Castiel realized immediately what was wrong. Dean was about to come but afraid to _stain_. What a ridiculous thought. Now that Castiel had _finally_ understood and accepted, he wanted Dean always, everywhere.

He took a sharp grip on Dean’s chin and forced his head up. Their gazes met and Castiel found his assertiveness.

" Come for me Dean. Now."

Dean’s moan-turned-scream was the most beautiful sound Castiel had ever heard.

  
  



	18. 03-20-1997

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love y'all so much! Have some more smuttiness :D

  
  


#### Start with a push of a button

  
  


They crashed up against the wall beside the bedroom door, Castiel furiously working the zipper on Dean’s jeans. They were both rock hard and Castiel found it increasingly difficult to breathe but Dean was swallowing his pants and pressing close, making Castiel so dizzy with arousal that nothing else seemed to matter.

"Cas." Dean moaned and cupped Castiel’s jaw. "I need you so bad."

"I know." Castiel soothed and _finally_ managed to pull Dean out of the confining jeans. The man’s dick was straining and leaking, looking almost painful but the sounds Dean was making as he started stroking him were like nothing of this world. Deep and rich and Dean was fucking trembling in Castiel’s hands. " I know love." He said and bent down to nip Dean’s neck. "But we don’t have time, I was just leaving. _We_ should leave." Dean tasted like honey and he was bucking hard. Castiel resorted to rubbing himself against Dean’s leg to get at least _some_ of the friction off. " You shouldn’t have come here today, you should have gone straight to the house after school, we’re having dinner and we’re late and…"

His arguments fell short when Dean grabbed his hair to pull him up for a deep kiss. Their tongues tangled and Dean licked the fucking roof of his mouth before snarling possessively.

"I _know_." He emphasized. " But I’ve been in class all day, thinking of nothing but you. I was in the bathroom at lunch, jerking off to that picture I have on my phone but it wasn’t fucking enough Cas. I need to be inside of you."

Castiel’s knees buckled at the mention of Dean doing _that_. Fuck, this man was going to be the death of him.

" Get on the bed." He growled and proceeded to haul Dean over to it when the man wasn’t fast enough to comply. 

Dean had the courtesy of flinging his own jeans off when Castiel took a moment to relieve himself of his own, to ease the pressure if nothing else. Shit, Dean was pinching his boxers and looking questioningly at him, it was almost too much. 

He climbed onto the bed and slapped Dean’s hands away. Wasting no time, he pulled the underwear down just enough to spring Dean’s hard-on and balls free and then he bent down to swallow the leaking erection in one stroke. 

"Fucking hell!" Dean bucked up sharply and Castiel let him.

He snaked his tongue along the hard length and took extra time to suck hard at the head on every upstroke. Dean tasted amazing, it was something Castiel couldn’t get enough of and combined with the needy whimpering it made for something straight out of Castiel’s wet dreams. 

Dean’s hips were jerking in little circles and Castiel could tell that he was trying to restrain himself. Castiel didn’t like it one bit. He wanted to be Dean’s to mark, to use and he wanted Dean to know.  
He stopped suddenly, his mouth hovering just out of reach for Dean’s trembling dick and Dean looked at him like he was insane.

"Cas." He all but whined and Castiel smirked at him. "Cas, what are you doing? I-I need you…"

Castiel looked up, his gaze darkened with arousal and Dean’s breath hitched. 

"Want me to continue sucking you?" he asked, his voice rough and Dean couldn’t nod fast enough. He licked his lips, his tongue barely touching the head of Dean’s dick. His own dick leaked at the sight before him and he took one of Dean’s hands in his and put it on top of his head. "Make me." He rumbled out and Dean’s eyes rounded in surprise. "You wanted to fuck me Dean." He reminded the man. "So fuck me." Dean’s head flung back when he arched his back.

"Jesus." He moaned and gripped Castiel’s hair tight before forcing his dick up into the welcoming heat. 

The feeling was indescribable. Dean was gripping his hair in one hand and his shoulder in the other, holding him still as he used his mouth unashamedly, snapping faster and faster. Castiel was trying to keep up with his tongue as best he could and when he reached down to fondly Dean’s balls with one hand he heard Dean’s pants becoming ragged. 

Castiel’s own dick was trapped between him and the bed and he had started unconsciously humping the bed, desperately seeking that friction and managing to pry himself half-way free from his boxers.

"C-Cas." Dean was babbling as his orgasm came closer. He usually did and Castiel loved it. "Looking so fucking perfect, your lips around me. Shit, I need you so bad." His words were getting jarred and hard to make out but Castiel heard him clear as day and he doubled his efforts.

Dean was done for when he swallowed around the head of the dick, buried deep in his throat. With a strangled cry Dean emptied himself and forcefully held Castiel down as he did. Castiel’s body shook with the need for release as Dean moaned his name again and again but the bed was proving horribly insufficient. 

Dean popped out of his mouth with a sound that went straight to Castiel’s dick and he couldn’t wait any longer. He steadied himself on one hand, face still buried against Dean’s softening cock, and reach down with his other hand to finally touch himself. 

The relief made him sob brokenly but it was short-lived. Dean startled him by hooking his hands in Castiel’s armpits and hauling him up the bed, to come face to face with a blissed out-looking Dean.

"D-Dean." He stuttered when his erection brushed against Dean’s hips, making him buck down hard. He knew Dean was strong but Castiel was by no means a little guy, to be manhandled like that it was… fuck, it was exhilarating. 

"So amazing Cas." Dean mumbled against his mouth and reached down a hand to fist Castiel’s leaking dick. He cried out and Dean set a steady pace, kissing his jaw at the same time. "My perfect little angel. Gonna come for me?"

Castiel wanted to answer but he could hardly breathe. Dean had just held him down and fucked his mouth and then he had tossed him around like it was nothing. Shit, Castiel was loving every second of it.

"You look so beautiful when you come Cas." Dean was mumbling as Castiel fucked his fist. "So beautiful for me. Only me." He bit down on Castiel’s neck and Castiel was done for. His back arched sharply as his hips snapped down one last time, his release splattering all over Dean’s tee as he cried his assent to Dean’s possessiveness. 

Dean barely let him come down from his high before he pulled him in for a tender kiss, deep and full of promises. 

"I ruined your clothes." He mumbled unintelligently and Dean chuckled against his mouth.

"I’ll just put on my gym shirt."

"Won’t that be sweaty from class?" Not that Dean sweaty was something bad…

Dean hugged him tighter. "Didn’t go to class, had to jack off again." He sniffed Castiel’s hair when Castiel’s breath hitched. "You don’t realize what you do to me, do you?" he asked, amused, and Castiel buried his face against his chest.

"I’m starting to." He mumbled with a smile he was sure Dean could feel against his skin.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aww, all cutesy <3


	19. 04-17-1997

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Finally._ Jesus Christ on a flat bread...

  
  


#### Part 1: Man, fuck that shit

  
  


This was the day, Dean thought. This was finally the day. There had been over one and a half month of stolen moments and rushed kissing and it was all he could take. This was the day he moved out of the house and into Cas’ apartment. Between work, family, school and friends there just wasn’t enough time and Dean was bursting at the seams by now. He needed Cas, he needed to be alone with him and he knew Cas felt the same way. There was hardly a second when Cas wasn’t at his side when they finally managed to squeeze in some time. The family had noticed it too but Mary and Sam just seemed happy that he and Cas had fixed their problems. If only they knew…

Dean was a little nervous to tell his family to be frank. He wouldn’t say everything of course; both he and Cas had come to a quiet understanding concerning the matter of letting people actually know. John had been making side-ways glances at them though and Dean knew Sam was much too smart for a fourteen-year-old so yeah, he was nervous.

Looking around his room he was satisfied with what he had packed. It would do for now. He guessed he wouldn’t _really_ move in with Cas in the sense that a lot of his stuff would still be at the house. He supposed it would qualify more as a prolonged sleep-over but he didn’t mind. He would be finished with school soon and then he could get a job and he and Cas could get a bigger place. 

Yeah, that was the plan and it made Dean all warm inside. Cas and him. He and Cas. He could hardly believe it.

"Dean?" mom was calling and he stepped out in the hall.

"Yeah?"

"Dinner." She sounded like he should’ve known and he looked at the clock, realizing that he had been shuffling about in his room for much longer than he’d have thought.  
Thoughts of Cas were really distracting, he thought and thumped down the stairs to join his family.

"No Uncle Cas?" Sammy was asking just as Dean joined them and Dean smiled because he knew where Cas was. Because Cas had told him. Because he thought Dean was important enough to know. _God, I’m such a girl_ , he thought as he tried to wipe the dopey smile from his face. _No chick flick moments._ Mom was looking questioningly at him too. He cleared his throat as John shook his head.

" Business meeting." John explained and Dean didn’t want to be a douche and correct him —business _dinner_ — so he kept shut.

Sam nodded wisely and started talking about some school project or other and Dean kind of zoned out, thinking about what sharing Cas’ bed at night could entail. It was dangerous territory though and he shifted as his lower regions took notice of his thoughts.

Mom frowned worriedly. " Dean? Is everything alright?"

He looked up and found the family staring at him. "Actually." He cleared his throat and straightened a little. "I have something I want to talk about."

"What is it son?" John asked but Dean turned more to mom. 

"I’ve been thinking and I think it’s time I moved out."

Mom blinked. "What?"

"I mean, I’m grown up now and—"

"Absolutely not." John interrupted and Dean turned an angry stare at him. In the corner of his eye he could see Sammy eyeing them both. 

"What do you mean?" he all but hissed and mom was looking worried again. He didn't like that. 

"Where would you live? How would you support yourself?" John went on, his tone decidedly condescending. "What about school?"

"Well," Dean started, business-like. "I would finish that, obviously, but come on, I’m no Sammy, I was never gonna continue more than I have to." Mom made a face that said she was surprised and Dean wondered why. "I would get a job, _after_ school."

John nodded and took a bite of his steak. " And where would you live until then? A cardboard box?"

"John." Mom said, tone hushed but John just rolled his eyes at her.

"Mary, what would you have me say?"

"He could live with Uncle Cas." Sam quipped in and the three of them turned to stare at him. Sammy just shrugged, cool as a cucumber and Dean could have kissed him. "Right?"

"I don’t think Uncle Cas would like a teenager to barge in on his life like that." John stated flatly and it made Dean’s blood rush in his ears. 

"Why not?" he gritted out and John turned to stare at him.

"Well, you’ve been arguing with him most of your adolescence for one and now suddenly you’re best pals? Don’t you think he’s fed up with your fiddling?"

_Oh, if you only knew old man_ , Dean thought with a sneer but suddenly realized what this was about. Cas apparently wasn’t the only one troubled by the past. _Jealous much?_

" John!" Mom gasped this time, appalled. "Don't you think Cas should have to answer for himself?"

"You can’t be serious Mary?" John asked, seemingly genuinely shocked. "You would put Cas on the spot like that?"

Dean rose from his seat, his food untouched. "I’ll do you one better, _John_." He said, his voice full of barely contained superiority and he could see on John’s face that he was catching on. " I’ll go ask Cas myself and if I don't return tonight you have your answer." He turned to leave but stopped at the foot of the stairs. "Oh, and don’t wait up."

  
  


#### Part 2: Good game

  
  


"I can’t believe you did that." Cas laughed and it was a deep sound, nurturing for Dean’s soul. "I’ve never gotten so many messages at the same time, and they got angrier by the minute!"

Dean smirked and took a swing of the beer Cas had gotten him. "I hope it didn’t ruin your dinner too much?"

Cas smiled and leaned back against the couch they were sitting on. _Their_ couch. " Not at all." He looked at Dean for a while and then reached out to caress Dean’s cheek. "Don’t get me wrong or anything but I thought you wanted to tell them together?"

Dean just shrugged and downed some more beer. "I couldn’t wait. The atmosphere with John was getting stifling."

Cas nodded and looked thoughtful. "What _did_ you tell them?"

" Nothing really, I thought that was what we agreed?"

Cas hummed and let his fingers trail down Dean’s neck. "So you’re living here now?"

Dean swallowed and felt Cas’ thumb against his Adam’s apple. He put the beer bottle on the table. "Yeah."

"And we’re ignoring the family’s questions?"

Cas’ eyes were getting steadily darker and Dean was losing focus. "Kinda." He gulped. "Sammy actually kind of made it sound like it was his idea." He turned his head to nuzzle Cas’ hand and Cas breathed deeply through his nose. "Mom seemed okay with it too. John’s just… Being John."

Cas laughed throatily. "I know, 99% of the messages were from him."

"I’m surprised he hasn’t kicked down the door."

Cas glanced at the mentioned door before sliding over to Dean. "I told him it was fine, he trusts me."

"I can’t imagine why."

"Are you saying I’m untrustworthy?" Cas’ voice was a low rumble and Dean swallowed again as Cas pulled him closer.

"I’m saying he’s jealous."

"Maybe so but I don’t care about him and I don’t want to be talking about John anymore." Cas stated, his demanding tone sending shivers down Dean’s spine.

"Oh? And what do you want to be doing?" stupid question with Cas pressing so close but Dean loved the tease. "Now that we have all this time on our hands?"

"Fuck you." Cas deadpanned and Dean’s hips jerked all on their own. "And it seems like your body’s on board. Do you want to keep on talking or do you want what you really came here for?"

"Shit, Cas." Dean breathed and pulled the other man in for a bruising kiss. 

He still couldn’t believe it. He had Cas, now all to himself and it still felt like a delirious dream. After all those years of pining it was finally happening. After Cas had admitted his own feelings to himself it was like the floodgates had opened and Dean was more than happy to sit back and let the current drag him with it.

The kiss ended abruptly when Cas stood up and tugged his tie loose. "Bedroom, now." He growled and Dean had never sprinted so fast.

He was the first one inside the small bedroom and when he turned around to meet his lover he saw Cas chuckling at him. It made a new wave of arousal hit him and he pressed Cas up against the door when he closed it. 

Cas made a pleased noise in the back of his throat and Dean took it as a sure sign to continue. He took the tie from Cas’ hand and threw it across the room. Next he chucked off Cas’ suit jacket and made to button down his dress shirt.

"Dean." Cas said, sounding breathless and Dean at first thought he was going to argue the pace or make a joke about Dean’s impatience but he just looked at Dean like he was the most important person in the world. It made Dean both hard and embarrassed. 

He resorted to hiding his face against Cas’ neck as he got the last button open and he finally, _finally_ , had the smooth planes of Cas’ chest freed. They had been naked together before, not wholly but very nearly and it had almost been too much for Dean. He suddenly wished he had rubbed one out in the bathroom before Cas got home.

Cas moaned suddenly and gripped Dean’s hips to crush their pelvises together and Dean realized he had been frozen in the moment, mesmerized by the sight of Cas’ smooth skin. 

Dean gasped and captured Cas’ lips again as they started moving together in uncoordinated rolls. The heat was tangible and it was making Dean’s chest constrict in a decidedly pleasurable way.

"Bed." Cas rumbled out suddenly but Dean just moaned against his mouth, too caught up in the moment. "Dean, I don’t want this to end too soon."

That made Dean snap to attention but when he looked at his lover he realized that Cas had meant for himself. Cas was as impatient as he.

"God Cas, you’re beautiful." He pressed out and didn’t even recognize his own voice, so thick with arousal. 

Cas arched his back against him, pressing their chests together. "I need you in me tonight, Dean." He snarled and Dean had to grip his dick hard to keep from coming right there. "Get on the bed."

They quickly disposed of their remaining clothes and Dean pulled Cas down beside him even as he was fishing lube and a condom out of the drawer. Cas moaned a half-protest and flailed at the bedside table but Dean just smiled and rolled them over so he was on top.

He smile faltered when he slotted himself between Cas’ open legs and their dicks rubbed together. The last time they had done that it had only taken a few powerful strokes from Cas before Dean came hard over both of them. He didn’t want a repeat of that embarrassment tonight so he lifted himself up on his knees to look at Cas.

The other man seemed to be as blissed out as he but his impossibly blue eyes blinked into focus when he saw Dean staring slack-jawed at him.

"How do you want me Dean?" he asked huskily and Dean felt the coil in his lower spine tighten impossibly.

"I need to see you." He groaned out, feeling ashamed that he had ever thought that sleeping with a woman would give him experience enough to make it with a man. "I just need you."  
But Cas was licking his full lips and nodding, completely in control and it made Dean’s heart swell. 

"Scoot back." Cas said and managed to make even that sound sexy. "I’m gonna prepare myself."

Dean did as asked and stared in awe as Cas pulled his knees up, opened the lube to coat his fingers and then brought them down to his hole. One finger went in to the first knuckle seemingly with ease and when Dean leaned forward and put a hand on Cas’ leg Cas arched his back and moaned. 

"Shit Cas, it looks so tight." He mumbled and he could hear Cas swallowing.

"It’ll fit."

"No, that’s not what I…" Dean realized he was practically face first against Cas’ ass, his fingers almost knocking Dean’s nose. "It looks so fucking hot." He breathed and was rewarded by Cas’ hips stuttering in their folded position.

"You’re gonna make me blow it." Cas gritted but Dean was too far gone to stop now. 

He looked up and licked his lips at the sight of Cas’ erection where it lay hot and heavy against the man’s stomach. Fondling his ass hadn’t diminished it in the least and Dean wanted to lean down and lick it. He glanced down to where Cas now had two fingers inside himself. He wanted that more.

He sat up and leaned closer over Cas’ body. "Can I try it?" he asked, just a little nervously and Cas just stared at him.

"You wanna…?"

Dean looked down and saw that Cas’ finger had stopped but not pulled out. "Yeah." He licked his lips again. "I wanna feel you, is that okay?"

Cas’ other hand shot up so fast he almost knocked Dean out of balance. With a strangled noise he gripped the base of his dick tight and squeezed, his eyes shut. 

"Fuck, Dean." He moaned thickly when little droplets escaped and Dean’s eyes opened wide when he realized Cas had been about to prematurely blow his load. At Dean’s words alone. Fuck. 

He was snapped out of his thoughts when Cas tossed the tube of lube at him. 

"You can start with two fingers this time." He said, his voice still thick and Dean nodded sharply before applying the lube.

The inside of Cas’ ass was amazing. Comparing this to Lisa’s cunt was like comparing pie to salad Dean thought when he pressed inside. Cas was squirming beneath him and Dean was taken by the sight. 

Cas’ chest and neck were rose tinted and sweat glistened on his skin. His mouth hung open and his head was cast back, pressed into the pillow. He was holding his legs back for Dean and when Dean made a scissoring motion his back tried to arch even though he was folded in half. It was the most beautiful sight Dean had even seen.

"M-more." Cas groaned in a gravelly voice. "Give me more."

Dean quickly complied by adding another finger and that seemed to do the trick for a while. Cas put his feet down on the bed and pulled Dean down to kiss him. The angle changed but Dean still reached and Cas tasted fucking fantastic.

Their cocks brushed together again and Dean whimpered, not that he would ever admit that. 

"I’m ready." Cas panted against his mouth. "I need you Dean, I’m ready, enough already."

Dean was not about to argue that, not with Cas looking so _debauched_. He slid down a little, slicking himself with what little lube he had left on his hand, and prodded Cas’ opening with the head of his dick. He was still a little uncertain whether he would fit without hurting Cas and he supposed it was that nervousness that had kept him from going off too soon.

Cas, on the other hand, seemed totally on board and when Dean didn’t move he tilted his hips up and just the tip of the head slid in. Dean was so startled that he jerked back and Cas fucking _mewled_.

" Dean," he pressed out, dragging the syllables. "Don’t."

Dean realized immediately that Cas thought Dean was teasing him and that was just so not true. Not that Dean didn’t love the sounds he was dragging from Cas. _Next time_ , Dean promised himself. Another time when he had had time to relieve some of his own arousal beforehand, perhaps.

For now he just grabbed Cas’ hips and slowly pushed in. 

Incredible tightness enveloped him and he stopped with just the head inside to catch his breath. 

"Christ Cas, it’s…" there were no words. Just tight heat and Dean’s head was swimming.

Cas was bucking against him, Dean realized foggily and he complied by slamming in, bottoming out on the first stroke. Cas screamed and wrapped his lean legs around Dean’s waist. Just like Lisa had done, Dean remembered, but so very different. So much better.

Everything was better with Cas. He was hard and lean, and much tighter, his voice was music to Dean’s ears and fodder for his pulsing erection. His dick slapped against his stomach as Dean slammed in and out of him and that sight alone was enough to fill Dean’s spank bank for a lifetime.

Cas was meeting every thrust and had his back in a continuous arch by now. He had gripped the pillow by his head so hard his knuckles where whitening and was biting his plump lower lip.

"So fucking sexy." Dean heard himself say, realizing that he probably had been talking gibberish the whole time. Cas whined beneath him, encouraging him. "So hot and sweaty, only for me. Hard only for me."

"Yes." He heard Cas hiss out and he bent down, folding Cas like he had folded Lisa but there was no real resemblance to the motion. 

He thrust hard and yet Cas egged him to go faster, harder, and when they were folded like this Dean could feel Cas’ dick dragging against his stomach too and it felt too good to be real. 

A particularly angled thrust hit something inside Cas that made him scream again and Dean made sure to hit it again and again. 

"Fuck, Dean! I’m…"

"Yeah?" Dean huffed against Cas’ ear, feeling more powerful than ever. "You close baby?" Cas whined and bucked up. Dean perked up at the different pitch. "You like that Cas? Like it when I call you baby?"

Cas was grabbing Dean’s back so hard it would probably leave marks. Dean loved it.

"Yes." Cas hushed out, sounding almost ashamed about admitting it but Dean felt his balls draw tight at the admission. He leaned down and snapped his hips harder, racing for his orgasm but wanting Cas to get there before.

"So good babe." He babbled. "Feels incredible. Gonna come for me?"

Cas whined again and Dean remembered himself in the last possible moment: this was a guy. 

As his hand closed around Cas’ straining erection it erupted and an explosion of come shot out in pearly ropes. Cas shouted himself hoarse and bucked against Dean, clenching hard enough to almost hurt but fuck if it wasn’t hot. 

He could barely keep his focus on Cas’ dick as his own orgasm hit him and he emptied himself deep inside Cas’ eager body. 

It was only when he came to that he noticed he was slouched on top of Cas. Cas had his arms around him and was humming tunelessly against his head.

He looked up, smiling lopsidedly, and Cas grinned at him.

"Back from the dead?" he said and Dean realized then that he had come so hard he had blacked out for a moment.

"Shit, Cas." He mumbled and made to get off the other man. "I could’ve crushed you."

Cas just continued to grin. "I like you on top of me."

Dean grinned back but shuddered as his now limp dick slid out of Cas’ hole. That seemed to wipe the smile off Cas’ face too because he moaned instead, enough to make Dean’s dick twitch valiantly.

"Shit." Dean mumbled again and looked down only to freeze. "Oh no." He looked up at Cas who looked questioningly at him. "Condom." He whispered and felt so stupid. How could he have forgotten?

But Cas just shrugged. "I know I’m clean, are you?"

Dean just stared at him for a second before he got it. "Yeah." He said, smiling broadly. Of course, that was the only real reason to use a condom here. _Man_ , he reminded himself, _this is a man_. And it was _awesome_.

Cas was just smiling lazily but when Dean looked down again he could see some of his come leaking out of Cas’ hole and that made him swallow. Why did he want to lick that?

He bent down and touched Cas’ fucked out hole with his fingers and breathed in sharply when it twitched and almost tried to suck his finger in. When he pulled back a little more of his come leaked out.

" What are you doing Dean?" Cas laughed but Dean ignored him for now, wondering slightly if this was too much, even for gay men. He didn’t care though, any and everything with Cas was good and he was sure Cas would never be angry with him for something like this. 

So he leaned further down and licked with the flat of his tongue a long stripe from the back of Cas’ ass all the way up to his balls. Cas jumped and swore but he definitely didn’t sound angry. 

The taste was… something special. Dean didn’t quite know if he liked it or not but he definitely liked the feel of Cas’ body and the sounds Cas made as he continued. 

"Fuck Dean, that’s so hot." Cas moaned and spread his legs to give better access. "You don't even know."

Dean reached down and loosely fisted his newly invigorated dick. God he wanted to go again.

"Cas." He moaned against the other man’s quivering hole. "You’re so fucking… I wanna… Fuck I need you."

Cas panted. "Are you saying you want another round already?"

Dean looked up. "I’m game if you are."

"Christ, the libido of youth." Cas laughed and pulled Dean up into a deep kiss. "I love you." He mumbled against Dean’s mouth and Dean felt his whole face heat up.

"I love you too Cas." He whispered, only feeling slightly embarrassed.

"Always?"

"Always."

The night didn’t end before they had gone again and, later, after Cas had sucked Dean off in the shower.

  
  



	20. 05-02-1997

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, IRL it… It just sucks, you guys!
> 
> Anyway, the following chapter deals with some pretty heavy stuff and please don’t hate me but I felt it was necessary for the characters’ development that this happened. That being said, you should really head the warning if this is not your thing.  
> If you think you would be in any way offended or hurt by this I urge you to refrain from reading as you will get the gist of what happened from the later chapters. Thank you.
> 
>  
> 
> **Trigger warning: Serious dub-con, rape**

  
  


#### If happy ever after did exist

  
  


Little over half a month. That was how long Dean had been living with him and it felt like pure bliss. Castiel couldn’t even remember why he had thought this would be a bad idea in the first place. Dean was… Dean was everything to him.

Mary had fussed and John had muttered but on the whole they seemed to be fine with the new living arrangements. Castiel and Dean still ate many of their dinners at the Winchesters’ and John had been over with a fold-up bed after Mary had said she didn’t want Dean sleeping on the couch for too long.

Because obviously that was what they had told them.

The fact that they shared Castiel’s barely big enough bed and that Dean brought him to staggering heights with his eagerness almost every night was something they kept to themselves. 

John knew though, at least that something was going on, Castiel had no doubt. And Sammy was looking at them too, though with much kinder eyes. It was his fault, Castiel knew, he had always been bad at hiding from the Winchester men.

This night John had invited him over to watch some game or other. Castiel wasn’t particularly into sports but he had agreed anyway, glad to spend some time with his friend. Between work and Dean Castiel hardly had any free time, though he knew he wouldn’t want it any other way. Not anymore.

This weekend, however, Dean was away on a school trip. Mary was working one of her rare 24-hour shifts at the hospital and Sammy was at soccer camp. Perfect time for John and Castiel to catch up and Castiel was glad to do so. He had been a little nervous that John would be bringing up Dean moving in with Castiel though, but he seemed to avoid that topic like the plague. It was odd but Castiel felt relieved anyway.

As the game progressed John got rowdier and when the pizza arrived, Castiel was the one to open the door, not wanting John to have to miss anything.

"Man." John sighed at yet another commercial break. "This is the life, belly full of pizza and beer."

Castiel arched an eyebrow at him and leaned back too. "And the Jack?" he asked, amusedly and John made a face at him, making Castiel laugh.

"Icing." He smirked and poured Castiel another shot. "To winning this game." He said and held up his glass in a salute. 

Castiel smirked. "Down by half as much and ten minutes left? Even I know that’s a loss." But he clinked his glass against John’s anyway and they downed the burning liquor together. 

Castiel was feeling pleasantly buzzed and content. His life was finally making him happy again and he knew Dean was the sole cause of that. Even Crowley had said he looked better, healthier. They still met, for coffee and stuff but Castiel had made it completely clear that that was it. Crowley had seemed okay with it and hadn’t made any remarks aside from the one where he had looked hard at Castiel and told him he hoped it wasn’t John. Castiel had said it wasn’t and Crowley had seemed genuinely happy on his behalf so that had been the end of that. Castiel was glad. He wanted to shout out his love from the rooftops but figured it wasn’t very smart. People knew them in Lawrence and many believed Castiel was Dean’s uncle for real. It wouldn’t be… prudent.

He smacked his lips and leaned back, still tasting the whisky. He hadn’t had a real drink since Dean moved in, he realized. That was a good sign but also probably why he already felt so round under his feet. 

John, however, was chugging down enough for the both of them. 

As the evening turned into night and the game turned into a movie John actually grew quieter and when he’d been still for almost half an hour Castiel thought he’d fallen asleep.

"Johnny?" he asked, lifting his hand to squeeze his friend’s shoulder. The motion felt sluggish and he realized he probably shouldn’t have tried to match John’s pace. "You sleeping?"  
John drew a shuddering breath and turned to look at Castiel, his eyes unfocused. "You staying the night?" he asked, quite suddenly and Castiel blinked before groaning a little in irritation.

"The pull-out." He said, suddenly feeling much too tired. "I forgot."

Making the pull-out bed was boring when he was sober but now that he was an inch from shitfaced it seemed like the biggest task in the world. He hadn’t really thought of sleeping over but now… he couldn’t very well drive.

"You could…" John looked down at his hands. "I mean, my bed’s big enough."

_Yours and Mary’s_ , Castiel thought but didn’t say out loud. Instead he just shook his head.

"I can take Sammy’s or D-Dean’s."

Why had he stuttered on Dean’s name? Now John would definitely know, he was even looking strangely at Castiel. But the thought of sleeping in Dean’s old room, in the very bed where he had taught Dean to masturbate for the first time… The thought made him swallow and clench his hands.

"’S fine." He mumbled but John shook his head.

"Sleep beside me tonight Cassie." He was saying, his eyes pleading. "The bed’s too big without… It’s just too big. Please, I don't want to be alone."

He sounded too much like his seventeen-year-old self and Castiel was much too tired. And drunk. So he just nodded quietly.

The bed _was_ big, bigger than Castiel remembered from when he had helped John put it together after they’d bought it. Big and fluffy. And it smelled very much like Mary. Castiel supposed it was because he was on her side so he tried to ignore it. At least the sheets were nice against his bare legs where he lay in his tee and boxer briefs. If he had been afraid of this strange arrangement keeping him awake he didn't have to worry; sleep didn’t elude him more than a couple of breaths. 

He was abruptly awakened, however, by a hand snaking around his chest and pulling him closer. His still inebriated brain at first thought it was Dean who had come home earlier and he almost called the other man’s name but remembered himself in the last moment.

" John?" he asked in a hush. "John, I’m not Mary, wake up."

"Sch." John’s breath ghosted against Castiel’s neck and his body went stiff. "I know Cas, just let me for a while. I’ve missed you so much."

The quiet of the room was deafening and the darkness seemed to press up on him where he lay, trapped in John’s embrace. He should push the other man away, he should yell at him and he should leave. But just when he thought to do at least one of those things, John shifted his hips and his definite hard-on pressed against Castiel’s ass cheeks. 

Castiel jumped and accidently bumped John’s erection. "J-John!" he all but squeaked when the other man groaned.

"Jesus Cas, you smell so good." John was pulling him closer and practically humping his backside. Castiel squeezed his eyes shut.

"Stop this John, this isn’t right."

"Feels more right than anything else of late." He sighed and pressed a hand against Castiel’s crotch.

"John, no." Castiel was horrified when he felt himself hardening under John’s hand. "Please don’t, you have Mary and I—"

"Have no one, isn’t that _right_?" he punctuated his statement with a squeeze to Castiel’s treacherous dick.

_I have Dean_ , Castiel wanted to scream but he couldn’t. He couldn’t! He knew John knew something but the man was avoiding the facts with fervor. He made a sobbing noise when John plucked him out of his underwear.

"I thought at first that you and Crowley…" John growled out the name and nipped at Castiel’s sweaty neck. "But there’s nothing between you, I heard you tell Mary so when she asked and Crowley’s confirmed it to her. At least he talks to _her_."

_Why are you talking about Crowley?_ Castiel wanted to scream. _Why, when you know it’s Dean—_

Castiel clawed at the sheets, caught between trying to get away and to just anchor himself to reality, when John started jerking him. He hated himself. He didn't like it, he didn't want it and yet when John rolled him over to his stomach and pressed on top of him Castiel couldn’t help but thrust against the bed. _Is it_ because _it’s Dean?_.

" You’re so beautiful." John panted above him, his breath still full of alcohol. "Your eyes, your lips." He practically ripped down Castiel’s underwear and Castiel wanted to die when he heard the noise that action ripped from his chest. "Your whole fucking body."

John was caressing his cheeks and Castiel felt his eyes water even as his dick leaked onto the sheets.

"John, please…" he mumbled but John took his shaky words as consent.

"So beautiful angel." John groaned and lifted himself up a little. Castiel took the opportunity to shimmy away but John’s strong hands dragged him back and he sat down heavily on Castiel’s legs.  
Castiel’s blood turned to ice when he felt two spit-slicked fingers at his entrance and he arched his back in pain when John shoved them in but it only seemed to spur John on. 

Castiel’s sight was blurred from tears and he was panting harshly and trying very hard to accommodate the forceful intrusion. It didn’t take long for John to decide he had had enough but spit was still the only lube he used to slick himself up before he pushed his way inside Castiel’s trembling body.

"No, John." Castiel bit back as he tried to breathe deeply, the pain searing but at least diminishing his erection. "Please don’t."

"Feels so good baby." John moaned against his back and Castiel hated the nickname out of John’s mouth.

"You’re hurting me." He choked out but John pressed on and when he bottomed out Castiel thought he felt something rip. Maybe it was his entrance, maybe it was his heart.

"It’ll get better." John moaned and started moving all too soon.

"No." Castiel all but cried out but John’s dick was hard and insistent inside him, filling him up in a way his body remembered all too well and hitting his prostate at almost every stroke at this angle. "John, d-don’t."

It was much too late now, however. John wasn’t stopping and Castiel just lay there, hating himself for being so weak, so stupid. 

_Dean_ , Castiel thought as John sped up. _DeanDeanDeanmakehimstopDean_.

Castiel couldn’t help his moan when John reached around and fisted his half-hard cock. He shouted as John’s thrusts became uncoordinated and he emptied himself inside Castiel’s taunt body.

  
  


*****

  
  


He waited until he was certain John was asleep before he got up on shaky legs and pulled his clothes on, ignoring the come that leaked out of him. 

He hardly remembered the drive home and when he got inside he collapsed on the couch, falling either asleep or unconscious.

  
  



	21. 05-03-1997

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your support!
> 
> Please note that I have never been raped nor do I know anyone that have. This is a serious subject, please do not think I’m belittling it in any way. Thank you for reading.
> 
>  **Trigger warning: Rape-denial, Self-doubt!Castiel**
> 
> Time to fucking shape up Cassie! <3

  
  


#### Part 1: I’ve wasted my nights

  
  


When Castiel awoke it was to the sun glaring him in the face. He groaned and turned around, sitting up too fast and getting a serious head-rush. He grabbed his head in his hands and groaned anew, regretting the JD very much right now.

And then he remembered. _Everything._

He felt nauseated and when he moved he could still feel sore and slick with John’s come. He felt so disgusted he wanted to scream. Instead he just curled back down on the couch, feeling like shit. 

He wanted Dean. He wanted the man’s kind eyes and warm embrace but how the hell could he face him now? After he had let John, Dean’s _father_ , do something like that. Dean would never forgive him.

He pulled out his phone before he remembered that Dean wouldn’t be home until the next day. He opened it anyway and to his dismay he saw he had a missed text from Dean. It turned out to be a photo of Dean standing in front of a building, looking miserable between Jo and Gabriel, both of whom obviously were trying to ruin the photo. Castiel smiled despite himself. No, he couldn’t tell Dean but he needed someone. Usually John would be the one he would go to but… And there wasn’t even a single missed message from John. _He probably hasn’t even woken up_ , Castiel reflected dully as he dialed the number to Crowley.

"Dove." Crowley said in way of greeting. "I was just thinking brunch and guess who would call." He sounded in a good mood and Castiel hated to destroy it. God, he was so selfish.  
"Fergus…" he started and it ended Crowley’s monologue but he had to swallow to steady his voice.

"What is it?" Crowley asked when Castiel had been silent for too long. "What’s wrong?"

Why _had_ he called? " It’s… I…"

"It’s John, isn’t it?" Crowley sounded angry already. 

Castiel gasped a little and curled in on himself even more. "How would you know?" maybe it had been a bad idea calling Crowley, of all people, what with his long grudge against John.

Crowley swore. "I don’t _know_ , I just assume where that moron is concerned."

"Fergus I… We…" he swallowed hard again. "We ended up in bed together."

"Why? Don’t you have your lover boy?"

"I do." He couldn’t be thinking about Dean now or he would really cry. He pressed the phone to his ear. "We were supposed to just sleep. I was too drunk to drive home, we were _sleeping_ and then…"

Crowley drew a sharp breath. " He fucking raped you."

Castiel winced at the word. "He didn’t rape me per say." He could hear Crowley moving in the background. "He just kind of… Pressed me down and I said no but then I just… Just lay there and let it happen."

"Yeah, that’s rape love."

Castiel shook his head. "I should’ve stopped him."

"You shouldn’t have had to!" Crowley yelled, his voice raspy from anger and Castiel winced again.

"Fergus, what do I do? What do I tell—" he stopped himself before saying Dean’s name but Crowley seemed to get it anyway.

"You don’t worry Cassie, I’m gonna go take care of it. You won’t have to say anything to anyone."

Castiel immediately got a worrying feeling in the pit of his stomach. "What do you mean ‘take care’?" he asked carefully. The damage was already done, what was there to do now?

"I’m gonna go shoot him."

Castiel felt cold all over. Crowley meant it, Castiel had no doubt. Crowley had his own laws and rules to live by and John was just dirt under Crowley’s shoe. This had obviously been the drop.

"Fergus, no." Castiel started and sat up slowly.

"You just sit tight love." He answered and then promptly hung up.

"Fergus!"

He swore and desperately tried to call his friend back. After two failed attempts he dragged a hand down his face and tried to call John. When he didn't answer either Castiel got seriously scared. Should he call the police? Crowley was not a man to kid around.

Frantically he tried his friend again and was relieved when he answered.

"What?"

"What do you mean _what_?!" Castiel all but shouted. " Where are you?"

"Just getting my gun."

Castiel took pause. "You have a gun?"

He could practically hear the shrug through the phone. "Got it when I lived in Florida, nothing much but it’ll do the trick."

"Don’t do _anything_."

Crowley sighed. " Fine Cassie, I won’t do _anything_." The tone suggested otherwise.

" Just get to my apartment."

"Fine." He spat and hung up again.

It was twenty minutes of nervous waiting and wondering if he’d done the right thing not to call the police before Crowley knocked on his door. John still hadn’t called back.

Crowley pulled him into an honest to God hug before he stepped past Castiel and into the apartment.

"So," Crowley sat down on the couch, his jacket in his lap and Castiel wondered briefly where he kept the gun. "You wanna tell me what actually happened?"

Castiel carded his fingers through his hair and sat down beside the man. "I told you. He kind of just rolled on top of me and I let him."

Crowley’s eyes were hard. "‘Let him’?"

"Yes, I should’ve…" Castiel sighed and looked away, not knowing how to continue. Crowley shifted in his seat when the silence had stretched for too long.

"I know you don’t like me being mad at John and you apparently don’t want me to kill him, why _did_ you call?"

Castiel regarded his friend and wondered how sincere he had been in his attempted murder spree. Suddenly he realized that he actually knew nothing of the man. And yet… Castiel needed to trust him; needed to have someone to trust.

" I just needed to talk to someone." He all but whispered and Crowley nodded as if that much was obvious. 

"But not me, right? Not really." He smacked his tongue against his palate when Castiel didn’t answer. "Where’s your boyfriend?"

Castiel looked down at his phone that still lay on the coffee table. "Away over the weekend."

"So call him."

"I can’t."

The atmosphere was getting stifling. Crowley had been famous for his short temper in high school and clearly that hadn’t changed. He started getting to his feet when Castiel didn’t continue.

"If you’re not going to talk then I don't see the point—"

"It’s Dean!" Castiel all but yelled and buried his face in his hands when Crowley turned to look at him.

"What?"

"My boyfriend is Dean."

"Who?" he cocked his head to the side and stared surprised at Castiel when he finally got it. Castiel could hardly look at him. "Dean? John and Mary’s boy?" Castiel was nodding but Crowley kept going. "Yea high, chipmunk kind of look?"

"Yes, I… Chipmunk?"

Castiel looked up and saw Crowley smiling. Why was he smiling?

"Well, more squirrely maybe? With the cheeks." He puffed his out and Castiel couldn’t believe his ears but he was actually laughing. Crowley kept smiling, almost proudly. "That Dean?"  
"Yes." Castiel nodded and managed to stop laughing. "That Dean’s my boyfriend."

"Well hell Cassie, why haven’t you said anything?"

"I just thought…"

Crowley frowned as if deep in thought. "Come to think of it, I think I saw him leaving here the other day. Yes, and I definitely met him in the stairs that one time I stayed for two nights." He looked at Castiel, waving his hand as realization dawned. "He was clearly coming to visit you but he just kept walking when I opened your door, I thought it was odd but I guess I scared him off?"

Castiel nodded again. "You have no idea."

"Well, I _am_ pretty imposing."

Castiel looked at Crowley and figured Dean had at least a good two inches on the man, if not three. He decided to not bruise his ego though, not when Crowley was making him feel so good despite everything.

" He thought he fooled you by going up another floor."

Crowley scoffed. "Please, with an expressive face like that I’d be surprise if he could even fool a child."

_Call me a child then_ , Castiel thought, smiling. "Why are you so okay with this?"

Crowley looked genuinely surprised. "Why wouldn’t I be? I’m not in love with you, or him."

"That’s not what I meant, Dean and I—"

"He’s legal right? I mean, he’s gotta be like twenty by now."

Castiel snorted. "Really Fergus? He’s eighteen, how’s your math doing?"

"Much better now that I have an accountant. Point is Castiel, if you’re happy and he’s happy, what’s the problem?"

"I…" Dean had had similar arguments. Was it possible that Castiel was just being stubborn, holding on to old rules? He and Dean had gotten over the barriers, why couldn’t he make the rest of the world do it too? "He grew up with me as his uncle." He finished lamely and Crowley looked at him like he was mentally disabled.

"But you’re not, though."

"But John and I… The history…"

"Cassie," Crowley turned to him and grabbed his chin to get him to stop babbling. "You need to ask yourself one simple question: do you love—no, are you _in love_ with that boy _because_ he is John’s son, or _in spite_ of that fact?"

Castiel looked at him, wild-eyed and slightly crazed. He already knew the answer. It was the exact problem he had had with Dean’s advances in the first place and he had answered the question, for himself and for Dean. He understood what Crowley was getting at.

" I need to tell John." He whispered and Crowley nodded, apparently understanding fully what Castiel meant. 

"I think you should." He released Castiel’s chin but kept his gaze. "And you should talk to Dean too, remember that what John did was not your fault. If Dean blames you he is not the man for you Cas."

Castiel looked down at his hands. "Yes." he mumbled in agreement and Crowley nodded, seemingly content with that answer even if Castiel still was somewhat hesitant.

Crowley suddenly clapped his hands. "Now, I think my work here is done and lucky for us because I’m planning on moving. Lawrence is much too small for me."

Castiel looked at him, his eyes soft. "Thank you Fergus."

"No problem love." He winked. "And if you ever tire of Dean’s youthfulness and stamina you could always call me."

Castiel smiled broadly, actually feeling good about it. "Yes, I’ll call you if I’m ever in the mood for a good stationary lay that’ll let me do all the work."

Crowley scrunched up his face. "I did _some_ work."

" You did enough." Castiel laughed and Crowley muttered something about Castiel being a needy ingrate but he quieted soon and Castiel sat looking at him for a while. He looked tired. "What happened to your girl?" he asked suddenly and Crowley looked up, questioningly at first but he understood quickly enough. There had been too many times with Crowley calling her name for Castiel not to know. 

"She moved away." He muttered and Castiel’s heart clenched. "But it’s better that way, she moved to San Fran so I’m going in the opposite direction."

He put a hand on Crowley’s surprisingly soft cheek. "Don’t be sad, king of kings." He mumbled and Crowley looked like he wanted to say something but then he just stood abruptly, never one for revealing too much of himself to anyone. Castiel figured he had probably gotten more out of the man than anyone had in the last decade. 

"I’m not." Crowley assured him. "I’ve got a good deal going on way over on the east coast, it’s going to be great."

"Blazing saddles?"

"You know it." He shrugged on his jacket and Castiel sat up straight.

"You’re leaving already?"

"You have a lot of _other things_ ," he looked pointedly at the phone. "To take care of, don’t mind little ol’ me. I even think maybe I’ll go pay the Winchesters a visit after all."

Castiel frowned. "I told you not to blame John."

"And _I’ve_ told _you_ to stop covering for that moron. You’re too kind Cassie, almost to the point of stupidity." Crowley smiled at him when Castiel rolled his eyes, embarrassed. " Besides," he added, suddenly predatory. "I’ve yet to pay Mary an actual visit and you know, Dean turned out to be such a good specimen, they had another son too, didn’t they? Sam? Sammy?"

Castiel rose. "Sam’s not for you, he’s only fourteen and—"

Crowley laughed. "Relax Castiel, I would never touch a child." He grinned when he saw Castiel blushing, clearly thinking he had ripped on Castiel’s and Dean’s relationship. 

_If only he knew…_

" Good." Castiel mumbled, having never really believed Crowley would do something like that. But still, it didn’t hurt to check. The man had pulled a gun on a half-rapey incident after all.

"Besides, the Winchester boys never held quite the same charm over me, you can have them all to yourself."

Castiel scoffed at him when he opened the door. "Yes, thank you very much Fergus." He said and Crowley laughed as he left, his laughter still lingering in the apartment even after he was gone. It left a comforting feeling in Castiel’s chest.

  
  


#### Part 2: Your last shot 

  
  


John sat in his car for a long while, just staring at the apartment building. Cas had tried calling him but he had been… he had been hating himself to be frank. Too much to answer when the phone started buzzing and even more so when he was too scared to pick up. 

He sighed and raked his hand down his face. He had to do this, he _had_ to. Cas deserved to be apologized to, deserved to be treated right and he needed to do this now, before Cas could find a way to blame himself too much. Besides, this would give them a chance to talk about Dean living with his uncle too. The arrangement made John’s skin crawl and he needed to make sure of things. Cas was far too trusting and Dean was… Dean was John’s son, which made John very nervous. 

The sun of early May was hot on his neck and he was momentarily blinded when he entered the building’s gloom, which was probably why he was unprepared for the attack. He stumbled back against the wall by the door and hit his head on the hard concrete. Before he even managed more than a groan, his attacker grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him closer.

"_You._" The man practically roared and even though John still had trouble focusing his gaze he still recognized the man’s accent. That was a voice he would never forget.

" Crowley." He growled in response but managed to do nothing before he was hauled down the stairs to the basement level and forcefully pushed inside a door leading to a corridor even darker than the stairs.

"What in the bloody hell are you doing here?" Crowley barked and slammed the door shut behind him. "Haven’t you caused enough trouble?"

John snorted. "I see Cas has shared with you, again." Yes, he was still bitter. What had happened in high school had been their business and the memory of Crowley beating the living hell out of him was all too fresh, especially now when he was practically reliving it.

Crowley’s punch landed square in his stomach and even though it was much lighter than he had anticipated it still took the air out of him and he doubled over, struggling to breathe and unable to talk, which probably had been what Crowley had been aiming for.

"I don’t want you near him, John." Crowley stated but stepped back, much to John’s confusion. "I was on my way to shoot you before, don’t think I wouldn’t."

John’s blood froze in his veins. Oh he believed Crowley alright. And wouldn’t he deserve it? After all he had done, would he even deserve that? He straightened and took a shaky breath. 

"What happened?" he asked and Crowley crossed his arms over his chest.

"Cas’ mercy happened." He shook his head disgustedly. "You’ve still got a part of him wrapped around your finger."

"I doubt it." John muttered, thinking if anything it was the other way around. Cas was… It was hard to think about. It hurt more than Crowley’s punches ever would, to think about what Cas was or could have been. 

Crowley was still shaking his head. "You’re lucky he has such a big, stupid heart Johnny. And you’re lucky I like him as much as I do, I don’t want him to be sad and God help him, he would mourn your death."

The way he said it, like he didn’t think no one else would mourn, made John shiver in self-disgust. 

"I know." He said lowly but only because he couldn’t say all the other things he wanted to, or needed to.

"I want you to leave John."

John looked up, irritated now. "I don’t fucking care what _you_ want, Crowley." He spat. " I need to talk to Cas, I need to make this right."

Crowley snorted. "If you think you could ever make this right you’re sorely mistaken Johnny. Cas may think he can forgive you but this will never truly go away. Can you honestly say that you’ve forgiven yourself?" Crowley was getting agitated again but John just squinted angrily at him.

"Of course I haven’t, I—"

Crowley was on him in an instant, grabbing his shirt again and smacking him back against the wall to make him loose his breath again. "Then what the hell are you doing here?!" Crowley roared in his face. "What makes you think you being here is even remotely okay?"

John struggled to get out of Crowley’s grasp but the man was stronger than he looked and when he half-heartedly kneed him on his hip Crowley’s eyes just darkened with anger and he slammed John back against the wall again. 

"You know," Crowley whispered against his ear as John was regaining his breath. "I promised Cas not to damaged you but if I only hurt you where it doesn’t show he won’t know, will he? I mean, _you_ certainly won’t tell him and he won’t ever see you naked, _right_?"

John’s breath was ragged but he understood well enough. " R-right." He agreed, all too familiar with Crowley’s violent side and actually starting to fear for himself. 

"Now, I happen to know that Cas wants to talk to you too and I do believe that you two have some real _serious_ matters to discuss but I _also_ know that he has someone else that he needs to talk to too. Someone much more deserving of his time than you."

John’s throat was constricting and not from lack of breath, even though Crowley was still pressing him into the wall. He had had his suspicions but he didn’t want to believe it. Life couldn’t be so cruel, could it? 

" I will leave." He croaked and Crowley leaned back, looking inquisitorially at him for what seemed liked ages. 

"Yes." He agreed eventually, finally releasing his grasp on John. "You will let him have at least this day without you."

John was rubbing his neck where his shirt collar had dug in and refusing to look at Crowley. "We still need to talk though." He added, just to give appearance of not being as effected by Crowley’s bullying as Crowley undoubtedly hoped. 

Crowley just squinted at him. "Yes you do." He conceded but stepped into John’s personal space again. "But know this; if you hurt him again I will not hesitate to pull my gun on you. Cas may be as forgiving as a saint but you and I both know that I’m not." He nodded when John did. "Besides, if I’ve interpreted Cas right I think you should be even more worried about what the love of Cas’ life will do to you when he finds out." He smirked evilly when he saw what effect his words had on John’s composure. "Didn’t like that, did you?" he out right laughed in John’s face when John looked away. "Learn to live with it, he may have loved you once but you shat on all your chances." He turned to leave but paused by the door when John fell back against the wall, once again struggling to breathe. "He will never love you again Johnny, not like that."

It took more than half an hour before John could move again. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank the Gods for Crowley… Man, Cas, you should've let him off John!


	22. 05-04-1997

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, the ending is in sight! :D
> 
> I just had to write this, I don’t even know if it’s too OOC even for my own interpretations of the characters but I had a general idea of what was supposed to happen in this chapter and I _had_ to do it this way. Sorrynotsorry! XD
> 
> Trigger warnings: The author is insane, father/son tag-team*, unrealistic sex-scen...

  
  


#### One more fucking love song, I’ll be sick

  
  


It was Sunday evening and Castiel was nervously awaiting Dean’s arrival. Dean had been texting him all day and Castiel couldn’t wait any longer. He needed his lover beside him. He needed to tell Dean what had happened between him and John and he needed to tell him that he wanted them to talk to John about their relationship. If there still was a relationship after Dean knew, that was. People rarely slept with their lovers’ dads and expected everything to be fine after that. Castiel was prepared for that too. He knew he needed to tell Dean anyway, there would be no secrets between them if he could help it.

Castiel looked at his phone, both checking the watch and the inbox. There was nothing new from Dean and, maybe more importantly, nothing from John. He hadn’t tried calling John again but he had left a message sometime after Crowley had left yesterday, saying he wanted to talk. He had actually thought John would be man enough to at least answer him but Castiel was beginning to realize that John was more of a coward than he had thought.

Just as he was sitting there, fiddling with his phone, the door burst open to reveal a slightly out of breath Dean. He was smiling broadly and chucked his bag to the floor even as he was closing the door.

"I’m back." He announced, panting slightly and Castiel realized he probably had been running up the stairs, maybe even from the bus stop.

"You sure are." Castiel smiled, feeling his whole chest warm at the sight of the young man. _His_ young man. His Dean.

Dean practically bounced over to where Castiel was sitting on one of the bar stools by the kitchen counter. Without further ado he pulled Castiel into a suffocating embrace.

" You have no idea how much I’ve missed you."

Castiel laughed, thinking he probably had, what with all the pictures and texts he’d gotten but he decided not to say anything about that. Just feeling Dean pressing close to him was soothing to his soul.

"The trip was that bad?"

Dean leaned out and looked at him for a while, really _looked_ , and then shook his head. "Not so bad, I just wished you’d been there too. _That_ would’ve been awesome." He leaned down to peck Castiel lightly on the lips. In spite of himself, Castiel groaned and Dean quickly deepened the kiss. He tasted wonderful, a little like the gum he’d been chewing but mostly like _Dean_ and it was a taste Castiel could get drunk on.

But not now, they needed to talk. So he pulled back and stopped Dean when he made to follow.

" Dean, wait." He smiled slightly when Dean pouted. "We need to talk."

That made Dean’s face drop. He sat down immediately and Castiel swallowed.

"What’s wrong baby?" Dean asked and Castiel felt a warm flush at the nickname. It was like a drug when Dean said it.

"I…" he clenched his hands. This was why he had rehearsed. Too bad it apparently hadn’t stuck. "There was an incident when you were away."

Dean looked worried. "What’s with the enunciation on ‘incident’ Cas?" he asked and took one of Castiel’s hands. "Is someone hurt?"

"No." Castiel shook his head. _Not physically at least._ Not enough to do anything about it and he frankly didn’t want the attention. " No, it’s…" he swallowed nervously when Dean leaned in, his face so trusting. He didn’t want Dean to hate him, it made him want to vomit. "Friday after you left I went over to the house. Sammy was on soccer camp, Mary was working so me and John decided to drink and watch some sports."

Dean’s face had darkened already and Castiel wondered despairingly if Dean had already understood.

"What happened?"

"I-I got drunk. We… I was too tired to make a bed for myself so we decided to share and-and…"

Dean suddenly stood up, looking positively livid. "Son of a bitch!" he yelled, his voice scaring Castiel enough for him to jump back and hit his back on the counter. He winced. "He raped you, didn’t he? Fucking asshole!"

"What? No!" Castiel stood as well, wondering how Dean so quickly had jumped to that conclusion, almost as if he had anticipated John doing something like that. Dean stopped in his step towards the door.

"No?" he asked and Castiel shook his head. "So there wasn’t any sex, is that what you’re saying?"

Castiel flushed red, not knowing what to feel at the thought of Dean considering any sex between Castiel and John at this point as rape. He bowed his head in shame. "There was."

"Are you saying you liked it then? Is that it?"

Castiel looked up, scared at Dean’s words and Dean was squinting angrily at him. "N-no!" he exclaimed. "I didn’t like it, I-I told him to stop but he… And I didn’t come but that doesn’t really mean anything… I-I…" he sat down again, hiding his face in his hands. "We got come all over Mary’s side." Why did it come out all weak-sounding? Like he was some kind of pitiful creature. And why had he said that last part? Dean would surely hate him now.

But Dean didn't leave. Instead he crouched beside Castiel and put his strong hands on his shoulders, making Castiel lean against his solid chest.

"He fucked you even though you told him to stop?"

"Yes."

"That’s totally rape Cas."

"No I—" he looked up, seeing Dean looking sorrowfully at him. "Why does everyone keep saying that? I should’ve done more to stop him. I’m a grown-ass man."

"Baby." Dean hugged him tight. "You need to stop saving him—wait." He pulled Castiel forcefully back just as Castiel was getting comfortable against him and Castiel was reminded of the fact that Dean was a whole lot stronger than him. In another context that would be thrilling. "What do you mean ‘everyone’?" Dean squinted and Castiel looked at him, his head cocked in confusion.

"Well, I—"

"It’s that Crowley guy, isn’t it?"

"I…"

Dean stood up once more, looking angry again. "Jesus Christ Cas. Does he know everything about our private life?" he looked at Castiel, both angry and… desperate? Castiel cocked his head even further to the side. "_I_ should be the one you talk to about stuff like this." Dean elaborated.

The meaning sunk in and Castiel’s eyes softened. " Of course Dean." He said and stepped over to his lover. "But you weren’t here and I needed to talk to someone." He put his hands on Dean’s waist and was relieved when Dean didn’t pull away. "You should be glad, Fergus was the one to make me realize a lot of things. Without him there’d be no us, in a sense."

"Remind me to send _Fergus_ a thank you note later." Dean muttered but he put his arms around Castiel anyway.

Castiel leaned in, tucking his head against Dean’s neck and inhaling his intoxicating scent. " Are you going to be this jealous about every man I talk to?"

"Just the guys you’ve fucked."

"Some people would find jealousy an irritating trait in their partner."

Dean looked guiltily down at him. "Well, excuse me but—"

"Not me though." Dean definitely perked up at the dip in Castiel’s tone. "I like being yours."

Dean hugged him tighter, definitely responding. "Good, ‘cuz I’m not letting you go." His hands wandered but stopped just above Castiel’s ass and Castiel wanted to groan in disappointment but stopped himself when he saw Dean’s expression.

"Dean?"

"That’s why I gotta go take care of John." He started to leave but Castiel pulled him back into the embrace.

"I already talked Fergus out of killing John, don’t make me talk sense into you too." He looked at Dean with soft eyes. "Dean, if you still want me I will tell John all about us. I think he suspects things but… This is my fault. I should’ve said something to him earlier. If he knew for certain he never would have—"

"Cas, stop, okay?" Dean held up a hand and Castiel quieted immediately. "First of all, _of course_ I still want you. Do you think I would throw away a life-long love just because you got raped by my dad? I really hope you think higher of me. And secondly, _you_ tell him? Alone? What the hell do you think he would do to you then?"

Castiel was actually shocked that Dean would imply something like that. " He—"

"He would rape you even worse."

Castiel winced when Dean said it out loud. "He would never… He was drunk and I-I should’ve shoved him off. He didn’t get what he was doing. He would never hurt me intentionally."

"Goddammit Cas." Dean sighed and pushed Castiel away at arm’s length. The action made Castiel’s heart clench. "You are too kind and too fucking trusting. He has already hurt you." Dean was angry again and Castiel wasn’t exactly sure why. He wanted to be back in Dean’s embrace. "He fucking hurt you eighteen years ago and then he continued to taunt you with it all this time, shoving us in your face. And now he fucking hurt you again!" Dean’s voice had risen at the end and his eyes were wild. "You need to stop making excuses for him."

"Fergus has said something similar." Castiel revealed in a small voice and Dean’s face softened immediately. 

"Good, I’m starting to warm up to that guy already."

Castiel laughed a little, only now realizing that he was crying silently. Dean wiped away his tears with the pad of his thumb. 

"Don’t cry babe." He whispered and leaned down to nuzzle his nose against Castiel’s and Castiel realized with a start that Dean was taller than him now. When had that happened? Surely not over the weekend? "_We_ will tell John, Cas." Dean was saying even as Castiel’s lips found his. " I will hold your hand and sock him in the face if he has anything stupid to say about us because you are mine and there’s nothing he can do about it." Their kisses deepened and Castiel moaned lowly in the back of his throat at Dean’s possessiveness.

"Yes." Castiel pressed closer to Dean and gasped when he felt Dean’s cock already hardening against him. "Yes Dean, yours."

"Only mine." Dean was squeezing his ass now and Castiel was suddenly reminded, all in a heated rush, how much he had missed Dean. "He fucking had his chance and he blew it." Dean was saying against his lips as Castiel arched into his touch. "His loss, I fucking win so much."

Castiel mewled and he didn’t even care. He was like a puddle of heated goo in Dean’s hands. No lover before had ever made him feel like this. So needed, something to be worshiped, something to love so much. _No_ one.

" Dean." He gasped and thrust his hips in greedy little circles against Dean’s. "I need you."

"I know baby." Dean groaned out. "I need you too, more than you know." He moved his hands to gently caress Castiel’s back. "But are you… Are you okay, though?"

Castiel at first didn’t understand what the hell Dean was talking about now, not until Dean’s hands landed on his ass again. He smiled but hid it from Dean’s concerned face by kissing Dean’s neck. Sure, he was sore and sure his emotions were frazzled but nothing, _nothing_ , would at this point keep him from enjoying his Dean. If anything, the weekend’s events made him want his lover’s touch even more. It would take much more than John fucking Winchester to keep him from happiness now.

"Yeah." He breathed against Dean’s neck. "I’m okay Dean. Please, I need you."

Dean made a strangled noise and was sliding down to the floor, yanking Castiel’s pants and underwear down before he even knew what was happening. His erection sprung free and bobbed before Dean’s hungry eyes. The sight made Castiel’s knees weak and he put his hands on Dean’s shoulders for support.

"Fucking hell Cas." Dean breathed against his sensitive dick. "You get more beautiful every time I see you."

Castiel moaned at the praise and Dean seemed to be blushing, as if he hadn’t meant to say it out loud. But before Castiel had time to conjure a response Dean took his dick in one hand and sucked him down as far as he could in one stroke. 

Castiel’s hips bucked and he growled possessively, fisting a hand in Dean’s short hair. Dean put his other hand on Castiel’s hip to steady him as he begun bobbing his head, his cheeks hollowing on the way up and his eyes closed in bliss, as if Castiel tasted better than anything in the whole world.

Castiel clenched his jaw shut but didn’t try to hold back the sounds Dean wrung from him. He knew Dean liked him being vocal and had more than once come just at the sounds Castiel made. This time, however, he hadn’t even removed his pants. He was obviously aroused though, his jeans tenting almost obscenely and his hips jerking on their own but he kept his focus on Castiel. Snaking his tongue around the head and fondling the tight balls with one hand.

Castiel was already so close, so very close. He couldn’t believe how much he had missed Dean. And it wasn’t even just about the sex. He wanted Dean close all the time. To feel his warmth, to smell him, to hear him. He was honey for Castiel’s starved soul. The idea that Dean would leave him because of what had happened this weekend had been devastating but now Castiel couldn’t even remember why he had thought so in the first place. Dean would never leave him. Dean loved him.

His balls were drawing up all too soon and his breath came in short gasps. Dean was evidently spurred on by his lover’s sounds and Castiel could do nothing but clench Dean’s hair and whimper pitifully. The build was almost painful, the heat flaring in his lower back, his stomach muscles coiling. So close, so, so very cl—

Suddenly the front door opened and both Dean and Castiel jumped high, both too involved and barely able to register what happened. Castiel moaned when Dean popped off him with a wet sound, his orgasm still only half a second away. 

"Cas? I got your message and I—" John stopped dead, just looking at them. The door clicked shut behind him.

Dean’s face darkened but he didn’t rise to his feet and he didn’t remove his hands. Castiel desperately wished he would but couldn’t find his voice and feeling like the effort of moving away would get him off untouched.

"What are you doing here?" Dean asked, his voice dark and Castiel whimpered when his cock jumped at the sound. _So_ close.

He really didn’t want to be looking at John when he was in this embarrassing position, especially not after everything, but his eyes drew back to the other man and he distractedly noticed the dark circles under John’s eyes and a distinct redness to his neck, almost as if he had been strangled. Strangely, though, Castiel felt empty of empathy even when confronted with these facts. Either John had finally managed to kick himself free from Castiel’s heart or his painful erection was taking up all of his attention. It was hard to tell with Dean still on his knees in front of him.

" I…" John’s eyes swept over them both, meeting Castiel’s lust-blown ones briefly before settling on Dean. "Cas wanted to talk to me."

"About you _raping_ him, you mean?"

John’s face blushed bright red and Castiel _really_ wished Dean would remove his hands, why was he still massaging Castiel’s balls anyway? Castiel’s eyes watered with the effort of staving off his orgasm. This was the worst possible moment. Why couldn’t his dick just die down? _Whore_ , he thought desperately but his dick didn’t listen.

"I guess." John muttered and took a step closer. Why?! "And this too, I’d imagine." He gestured to them and Dean fucking leered at him. Castiel’s knees were buckling again. 

"Yeah, well, as you can see we’re a little busy right now." Dean sneered. "You’re gonna have to wait your turn."

Taunting John? The worst possible move. He sauntered closer challengingly and Dean squared his jaw. Castiel wanted to sprout wings and fly off.

"You think you’re some kind of hot shot because you know how to suck dick, boy?" John asked in his most condescending tone and Castiel wanted to interfere, so very much. But apparently not more than his body wanted that orgasm. Dean squeezed his balls protectively and it only made it worse. 

"D-Dean." He moaned. "I… A-ah!" He whined when Dean squeezed again and leaned down a little, folding himself over Dean’s form as his cock leaked a generous amount of pre-come. Dean smiled lecherously. 

"You back off now Johnny." Dean warned his father and why the hell was he sounding like he was getting ready to fight when he still had his face mere inches from Castiel’s leaking cock? "You’ve no right to touch him, not after what you did."

John blushed again, obviously feeling guilty. "We were both drunk." He mumbled.

"You keep using that as an excuse if it makes you feel better."

Suddenly John was on his knees behind Castiel, eyeing his son as if he had challenged him to a stand-off. _Sex-off?_ Castiel’s hazy mind provided and his legs trembled.

" You think you’re something else, don’t you?" John hissed angrily. "Just because you’ve fucked Cas a couple of times doesn’t mean you know jack squat about him."

John still didn’t really believe what he was seeing, Castiel realized. Was he thinking that Dean was just earning his keep with sexual favors? How stupid was he? Or was he unwilling to simply accept it? Castiel wanted to cry and scream and hit. His dick wanted to spray come all over Dean’s handsome face.

"Oh, I know a lot more than you think." Dean spat out, obviously stepping up to the challenge. Like father like son, apparently. Was no one thinking about Castiel’s feelings? And dick?

"Really?" John sneered and grabbed Castiel’s hips from behind. 

"_Really_."

Castiel couldn’t help his primal scream when Dean put his lips back against his burning cock. The pleasure of the long-awaited friction was almost blinding. Behind him, Castiel heard an angry snarl and suddenly his ass cheeks were being spread apart.

When John’s tongue snaked out to lap at his quivering entrance Castiel’s knees buckled again and he would have stumbled to the floor if it weren’t for the Winchesters holding him up. 

Dean renewed his vigor and was sucking enthusiastically, his tongue lapping up both pre-come and saliva even as John’s skilled tongue began fucking his hole. It was gentle but determined and the pain from any remaining soreness was mixing with the sharp arousal and actually spurring Castiel’s body.

" F-fuck." Castiel stammered, thrusting his hips forward to meet Dean’s heat and back to impale himself on John’s eager tongue. He wanted to stop but he also wanted nothing more than to continue. The double stimulation was quickly over-taking his senses and he was screaming himself hoarse after just a few moments. 

That Dean and John were glaring angrily at each other between thrusts was nothing Castiel noticed. All he could feel was the delicious pleasure coursing through his body. His mind had gone completely blank.

When he came it was with a strangled cry, his come splattering over Dean’s lips and chin, his ass bucking back against John’s willing mouth, clenching hard. 

When he came to again, he was still standing and Dean and John were still sitting on the floor supporting his weight and having the stare-off of their life. Anger bubbled up inside of him at the sight. This was going too far, even by his pretty loose sex moral-standards. He was _not_ a toy for them to fight over.

He wrenched himself free and stumbled away, almost falling but catching himself on the couch.

" Get out." He said, his hoarse voice dangerously low. They stared at him, Dean wiping come off his mouth and John looking like he wanted to cry. Yes, John had heard this tone of voice before; knew what it meant.

"I’m sorry—" he started but Dean pushed him so forcefully in the chest that he toppled over.

"Cas—" Dean started instead but Castiel pointed at them both.

"No. You two. Get out. Now."

They scrambled to their feet but Dean paused in the door. "Baby—"

"_Out_!" he boomed, his voice hard enough to crush rock and Dean stared at him, scared, before slamming the door shut behind him.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Though I guess not so much of a warning as just a heads up, I mean seriously, how likely is _this_ scenario? Especially after what they just went through? But this is a fic and not a very realistic one at that… Besides, who can resist a Winchester-manwich with Castiel in-between?! XD 
> 
> Next will be a double post with the last chapter and the extras right after to hopefully wrap some shit up!
> 
> p.s. please remember that this is a fic and therefore not very anchored to reality, rape is nothing to make fun of or "forget" the next day, please act accordingly and be safe <3


	23. 05-12-1997

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, so last chapter was fucked up! Time to wrap this baby up with some feels :)  
> Aaah, the sweet, fluffy feels...

  
  


#### While you’re sitting round wondering

  
  


Dean ran all the way to Cas’ apartment, arriving much like he had last time: panting and out of breath. Cas looked up when he crashed through the door. He was standing by the kitchen counter, loosening his cuffs and looking thoroughly business-like. It made Dean’s throat constrict.

"Cas!" he exclaimed and slammed the door. He didn’t dare force himself on the other man but he rushed up to him anyway. 

"Hello Dean." Cas said, his voice decidedly practical and it made Dean’s blood run cold.

"Cas, what’s going on? You haven’t returned any of my calls until now and I…" he looked down. "You weren’t here when I came here to talk to you."

"Yes, well, I’ve been busy." Cas stated and Dean didn’t like how he looked when he loosened his tie, all efficient and not at all like he was glad to see Dean. 

Dean was terrified of what he had done — and so soon after what John had done too! _So immature_ , that mean voice from a couple of months back had taunted over and over — but he still got all warm inside when he looked at Cas. Cas seemed distant.

"How’s things around the house?" he asked as he pulled the tie over his head.

Dean swallowed. The week hadn’t been easy. "John and I almost killed each other but mom cut in. She doesn’t know what’s happened though."

Cas nodded. "Good."

"Yeah, I think so too." He warily looked Cas in the eye. "Look, Cas, I told John that you and I… That it’s not just sex…" he swallowed again when Cas just looked at him. "You were right Cas, he did say he’d back down."

Cas nodded again. "I know, I’ve been getting texts from him too." He plucked up his phone. "And from Mary, just the one though, wondering what had happened." He looked pointedly at Dean. "I didn’t tell her anything either." He scrolled down in the list of texts and Dean was embarrassed to see how many of them were from him. "_‘Cas, do you know what’s going on?’_" He read. "_‘I had to stitch John up after he and Dean ended up in a fight and Dean won’t talk to me’._" He continued scrolling the list. " I just told her I didn’t know and asked her to keep me posted. I got texts from Sammy as well, just three but…" Cas squinted until he found them. "_‘What’s going on Uncle Cas?’_" he read out loud again. "_‘Dad and Dean won’t stop fighting. They stopped physically when mom started crying but now all they do is shout about nonsense’_ , and then one later in the week: _‘I don't know what Dean did Uncle Cas but I think you’d better forgive him, I’ve never seen him cry like this before’_ , and last: _‘No chick flick moments, alright, but I know Dean loves you, please forgive him’._"

Dean flushed red all the way to his ears. " I didn't know he saw." He mumbled to the floor, not daring to look at Cas.

Cas actually chuckled a little. "Perceptive little man, isn’t he?" he said and Dean looked up, holding his breath when Cas put the phone down and turned around to fuss with some papers. "I’m not happy about you and John hurting each other and it’s even worse that Mary got in-between but it doesn’t matter anymore; it all ends now."

Dean felt all color drain from his face. "Wha-what?"

Cas leaned against the counter, laying the papers out for Dean to see but he hardly looked at them. "I’ve asked Nora to transfer me to LA, permanently. And I’ve cancelled the contract on this apartment. It doesn’t end until after the summer, though, so that leaves plenty of time to—"

"No!" Dean leaped forward when Cas looked surprised at him. "No, you can’t leave me. Please Castiel, you-you’re everything to me. I can’t lose you." He grabbed Cas’ upper arms and crowded him against the counter. "I know I fucked up but… You said you’re mine." He whispered softly and Cas was staring at him confusedly.

For a heart-clenching second Dean thought Cas would push him away but then he placed his hands on either side of Dean’s face.

"I _am_ Dean. I _am_ yours." He said gently, his voice the most soothing sound Dean had ever heard. " I’m taking you with me to LA."

"You… You are?" Dean asked dumbly but thoroughly confused. 

Cas suddenly looked uncertain. "Unless…" he bit his plump lower lip. "Unless you’d rather not? I just meant… No one knows us in LA. We could be a real couple and we wouldn’t have to hide. I thought we’d be better off on our own. And John needs to let go and me being here will never make that happen, I’ve realized that now. Gods help me, it took me eighteen years but I’ve finally realized it now. He is not strong; I need to be strong for him." He looked down at Dean’s trembling lips and gently stroked his thumbs against Dean’s temples. "And you’ll be finished with high school in about a month anyway. You’ve always said that you don’t count on continuing on to college but if you want to I think my wage’ll be enough to cover our living arrangements. I don’t want to stand in your way, I just want you, I… I mean, unless…"

Dean kissed him. He couldn’t think of a better way to shut him up.

"Fucking yes Cas." He mumbled against Cas’ pliant lips. "I’ll follow you to the end of the world."

"Your friends—"

Dean cut him off with another kiss. "I’ll see them whenever."

"We’ll still come home for birthdays and holidays." Castiel supplied between nips and licks and Dean nodded.

"Obviously."

"Dean." Castiel moaned when Dean continued kissing him and Dean lifted him up on the counter to slot himself between his legs, feeling relief more than anything else when he felt Cas’ obvious hard-on pressing against him.

"Love you so fucking much Cas." He growled and Cas shivered against him.

"Me too, always."

"Always."

Cas was solid and warm and his, utterly his. The feeling made Dean’s head swim.

He pressed his lover to him and when Cas wrapped his legs around Dean’s waist, Dean plucked him right of the counter and carried him into their bedroom. His, forever and for always. _Fucking finally._

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for kudos, bookmarks, comments and for _reading_ ‘til the end!  
>  You guys are honey for my soul!


	24. extras

  
  


#### Now when you see me I’m stunning

  
  


"Guess this is good-bye for now son."  
"Guess so John."  
"You take care… of him."  
"I will."  
"Because he deserves to be loved. Deserves much better than what I ever gave him."  
"I know."

 

*****

 

"You be good now Dean, don't cause Uncle Cas too much trouble."  
"I won’t."  
"You can always come home."  
"You do know I want this?"  
"Of course."  
"Stop fussing with my hair."  
"Oh my little boy, all grown up."  
"Mom…"

 

*****

 

"I’m… I’m happy for you Cas."  
"Are you John? Truly?"  
"I just… Why do you have to leave me again?"  
"It was you who left me the first time, now it’s my turn."  
"Only because you made me."  
"John, I said this to you eighteen years ago and I will only say it one more time: you need to own up to your decisions and accept the consequences of your actions."  
"I… Yes."  
"I’ll see you at Thanksgiving John."

 

*****

 

"Can’t really believe dad gave you the Impala, I mean, after everything."  
"Guess he sees it as a kind of payment, you know. For not saying anything to mom."  
"I suppose."  
"Are you gonna be okay without your cool older brother around Sammy?"  
"’Course. I’m gonna be going to Stanford when the time comes you know."  
"I know, you’re like the smartest person I know."  
"And it’s super close to LA."  
"That’s definitely a plus."  
"Dean, I’m happy you and Cas found each other."  
"Me too Sammy, me too."

 

*****

 

"You better not be lying about coming home for the holidays this time Cas."  
"I’m not Mary."  
"’Cuz now you have Dean there with you too, I want my baby boy home for the biggies."  
"I’m not abducting him."  
"Don’t you laugh at me."  
"No ma’am."  
"Now give me a hug good-bye and don't forget to call when you get there."  
"Of course."  
"Driving there, you morons."  
"You know Dean don’t fly."  
"You’re still a moron."  
"Yes ma’am."

 

*****

 

"So, staying in LA with your uncle?"  
"Yeah."  
"’Bout time you two finally bumped uglies."  
"Gabe!"  
"What, _Jo_? I’ve been dying to tell him for years."  
" Yes, well, thank you for your _support_ Gabe."  
" Well, I think it’s beautiful, everyone can see you’re a match made in the heavens."  
"Ugh, chick flick."  
"Don’t talk in each other’s mouths, it’s creepy."

 

*****

 

"She does purr wonderfully."  
"Doesn’t she? I asked Uncle Bobby to tune her up. This is her first long drive in a while."  
"Smart move."  
"Hey, are you falling asleep on me already?"  
"I’m tired."  
"You’re _old_."  
" You know you love me anyway."  
"With those baby blues, how could I not?"  
"Precisely. Now let me sleep."  
"..."  
"…"  
"Cas?"  
"Yes Dean?"  
"Thank you."  
"For what?"  
"Loving me back."  
"Of course Dean."  
"…No homo."  
"Shut your face."

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like this ending but I couldn’t very well leave it without some more sexy times! I did, however, choose to post the epilogue chapter containing nothing but pure unbridled smut as a separate one-shot. You know, for all those out there who don't feel like reading this monstrosity first...  
> It’ll be up shortly, hope y’all will enjoy it!  
> -xoxo


End file.
